"justice" Nightmares - A Good Thing?

[MesaRock]

Hello lovely people - thoughts on this? I'm on day 6 of "justice" dreams/nightmares where various severe traumas are replayed in detail but in which I (out loud, usually yelling, waking my partner) successfully confront the perpetrator, fight him off, prevent the abuse, speak my mind, the police arrest the perpetrator, and then I stand on a platform telling an assembled crowd that it was wrong and I'm a human being worthy of love, safety and respect and our world is unjust to allow perpetrators to go free. Then I wake up. Of course in the past of my real life, nothing remotely like justice has ever occurred.

So they're basically flashbacks, but my unconscious completely changes how the events transpire.

I'm in month four of somatic experiencing and trauma-specific acupuncture. I am struggling hard with self-worth and self-esteem in therapy, and my conscious mind is DEFINITELY not in the same place as my unconscious mind. I have complex primary and secondary PTSD with pretty severe traumatic events stretching from age 19-35. So....there are a LOT of perpetrators to go through if this keeps up. Maybe I should WANT this to keep up until it's done?

Apparently my unconscious mind is determined to do this ritual...my partner says it's really incredible to witness because I turn into this great orator and deliver a long and coherent speech directly to the perpetrator and the bystanders who did nothing, standing up for myself and declaring my self-worth.

These are surprising. I assume they are "positive" - hah, PTSD is so dumb that these dreams could be "healing" - I used to do gender violence human rights work in conflict zones and have in fact done this over hte years in real life for other people, but was never able to have any healing or compassion around traumas that happened to ME during fieldwork, or my abusive childhood.

Anyway, I just woke up and I'm rattled and sad and scared and confused. Thoughts?

 

[Deleted member 28740]

@MesaRock. I seem to have been on the same journey. The words form as I dream, sometimes vocal. Releasing, like writing a book. Not sure if it a form of self therapy. I hope so. Justice, yes I do want and need that.

 

[MesaRock]

That's really great to hear, @Changeling. I just talked to my Somatic Experiencing therapist on the phone quickly and I've never heard a happier therapist in my life. Reassuring. She seems to think it's very good, because a new narrative of empowerment and self-esteem is being simultaneously created by - and also inscribed into - the subconscious, AND the unconscious, and (upon waking) the conscious mind.

These justice-mares started after last week's session in which I finally realized/admitted to an enormous buried volcano of deep self-hatred, shame, guilt, self-recrimination, survivor guilt, and other nasties around these events (unrealistic/irrational, since in none of these trauma events was there anything I could have done to prevent or change them at the time, or help myself or anyone else involved). She said that trauma as it relates to flight-freeze-fight is the fight response interrupted - I guess the dreams are empowering because I actually get to be in control and secure justice.

much food for thought.

 

[MesaRock]

p.s. it's just so interesting that this is all coming out of my un/subconsciousness. I've been rather distrustful of those parts of my mind for so long as the keepers of the horrors...they feel a bit more friendly now. more like partners than adversaries.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

@MesaRock you are giving me solace. Fear to talk of this to others, but it did seem like a process,
journey, path. ME not little me is working through.

 

[MesaRock]

@Changeling - right back atcha! and I *love* the concept of ME versus little me.

 

[Friday]

The moment in my real life where I turned what I was willing to do for others into something I was also willing to do for myself? Life altering.

 

[JackRJN]

I had a lot of revenge daydreams when I just had acknowledged I had been abused and that I needed to confront it and find some form of therapy. Now, more than a year of therapy later, I no longer dream of revenge. If you sit on the bank of the river long enough the body of your enemy will come floating past, as ghe Chinese say. For me it was a sign I lived very much in the past but I think everyone needs to make his own assessment.

 

[MesaRock]

@FridayJones I'm going to hold on tightly to that thought. It's been impossible for me to practice towards myself what I spent 35 years doing for others, mostly strangers - advocacy, empathy, intervention, tenderness, kindness, needs-meeting, crisis management, and huge amounts of unconditional love.... it's instinctual when turned outwards - and what I turn inwards has always been a rather brutal opposite.

I'm going to take your "life altering" comment and say that now my tide is turning.

 

[MesaRock]

@FridayJones I'm going to hold on tightly to that thought. It's been impossible for me to practice towards myself what I spent 35 years doing for others, mostly strangers - advocacy, empathy, intervention, tenderness, kindness, needs-meeting, crisis management, and huge amounts of unconditional love.... it's instinctual when turned outwards - and what I turn inwards has always been a rather brutal opposite.

I'm going to take your "life altering" comment and say that now my tide is turning.

 

[MesaRock]

@JackRJN - that's interesting. Do you think there's a difference between revenge and justice? I seem to be devoid of revenge-urges (although it's quite possible that they're there, just very repressed) but the justice-urge is all consuming. To put it mildly. I think a lot about what justice means to me...for me and for those like me. I can't get "actual" justice on any of these traumas/abuses, but I do a lot of work on getting virtual justice. Mostly because I'm an artist and writer, so there's increasing capacity for bringing certain secrets out into the light of day. Who knows. Maybe that is revenge? I guess this is a philosophical kind of question.

 

[MesaRock]

@JackRJN - you just prompted me to remember a few years ago, when I had very gory and violent dreams about...dismantling...perpetrators. I housed them under "justice" but maybe there's more to it. I think what bugs me the most is not so much that "I" as an individual was wronged, but that a fundamentally moral, ethical, and spiritual crime was allowed to occur at all, without consequence to the perpetrator. The wrongness of society, the universe, my parents, an army, a government, an individual whatever. It's the unresolved flagrant ethical wrong that drives me nuts.

I just found this in Psychology today:

Revenge is, by Link Removed, personal; justice is impersonal, impartial, and both a social and legal phenomenon. The driving impetus behind revenge is to get even, to carry out a private vendetta, or to achieve what, subjectively, might be described aspersonal justice. If successful, the party perceiving itself as gravely injured (though others might not necessarily agree) experiences considerable gratification: their retaliatory goal has been achieved—the other side vanquished, or brought to its knees. Just or not, the avenger feels justified. Their quest for revenge has “re-empowered” them and, from theirLink Removed viewpoint, it’s something they’re fully entitled to.

On the other hand, social justice is impersonal. It revolves around moral correction in situations where certain ethical and culturally vital principles have been violated. When justice is successfully meted out, the particular retribution benefits or protects both the individual and society—which can operate effectively only when certain acceptable behavioral guidelines are followed. So, consider: