ellzeena
Policy Enforcement
Early morning before rising I have nightmares. I mean, anxiety dreams. I have a very tragic loss of my 23 year old daughter to a complex mental illness that ended in her suicide in 2011. That's yesterday to me. The only peace I have all day is when I climb back into bed at 7pm, propped up on pillows, take my Xanax and mess with my tablet while watching TV with one eye. I do this until midnight and then very reluctantly go to sleep. Very reluctantly.
This morning, the dream involved a dog, one of many I've loved and saved (it's my job, also did alot of high kill shelter rescue). This one was a Whippet, her name was Bianca, and she had a breeding related problem, she was fearful and anxious her entire life. This dog became a Canine Good Citizen AKC and earned an obedience title, heavily socialized also, but despite all efforts I couldn't overcome her anxiety and avoidance behavior. Toward the end of her life at almost 17, which is old for a Whippet, she was cognitively impacted. She was safe and cared for but was clearly suffering some form of canine dementia. My daughter's mental health was crashing and burning at the same time. She said to me, "When are you going to do something about this dog" in a manner that really hurt me and even shocked me since putting Bianca to death was something I never really wanted to face (I've done it many times but it's always very difficult.) My daughter shortly thereafter went into the hospital for the second time for her mental illness in crisis and I decided life was so awful how much worse could it get if I put Bianca to rest. She clearly needed it.
So I did. Since then, I sometimes dream about Bianca. This morning's dream involved taking her to some very large dog event that involved fun and special care. I left her in her safe spot in this dream and then returned to find she was gone, she had "slipped" away. I began screaming her name, searching for her all over this very crowded person and dog environment, really worried and stressed, afraid and grief stricken, screaming and screaming BIANCA BIANCA BIANCA. I tried to interject myself into this dream to turn it around but I couldn't do that.
So I woke up a basket case even worse than most days when I wake up and wish I had died during my sleep. And i'm still upset. I guess I let her down. I guess I didn't do what she needed me to do. I guess she felt abandoned. Every single one of these statements really pertain to my daughter, I feel I must have not been as protective, as strong, as parental as she needed but I was having a breakdown at the end of her life and her psychiatrist had told me "Don't let your anxiety interfere with her treatment" because obviously, no kidding!, I was very anxious - I was LOSING MY DAUGHTER. I didn't know what to do, I had tried her entire lifetime and given her a fantastic life, she was adored, cherished, protected and she knew it. So all of this, everything, transferred to Bianca in this dream.
HOW DO I STOP THIS. I'm afraid TO GO TO SLEEP. I'm exhausted every day. I need to take a nap every single day at about 2pm. IT HAS TO STOP.
This morning, the dream involved a dog, one of many I've loved and saved (it's my job, also did alot of high kill shelter rescue). This one was a Whippet, her name was Bianca, and she had a breeding related problem, she was fearful and anxious her entire life. This dog became a Canine Good Citizen AKC and earned an obedience title, heavily socialized also, but despite all efforts I couldn't overcome her anxiety and avoidance behavior. Toward the end of her life at almost 17, which is old for a Whippet, she was cognitively impacted. She was safe and cared for but was clearly suffering some form of canine dementia. My daughter's mental health was crashing and burning at the same time. She said to me, "When are you going to do something about this dog" in a manner that really hurt me and even shocked me since putting Bianca to death was something I never really wanted to face (I've done it many times but it's always very difficult.) My daughter shortly thereafter went into the hospital for the second time for her mental illness in crisis and I decided life was so awful how much worse could it get if I put Bianca to rest. She clearly needed it.
So I did. Since then, I sometimes dream about Bianca. This morning's dream involved taking her to some very large dog event that involved fun and special care. I left her in her safe spot in this dream and then returned to find she was gone, she had "slipped" away. I began screaming her name, searching for her all over this very crowded person and dog environment, really worried and stressed, afraid and grief stricken, screaming and screaming BIANCA BIANCA BIANCA. I tried to interject myself into this dream to turn it around but I couldn't do that.
So I woke up a basket case even worse than most days when I wake up and wish I had died during my sleep. And i'm still upset. I guess I let her down. I guess I didn't do what she needed me to do. I guess she felt abandoned. Every single one of these statements really pertain to my daughter, I feel I must have not been as protective, as strong, as parental as she needed but I was having a breakdown at the end of her life and her psychiatrist had told me "Don't let your anxiety interfere with her treatment" because obviously, no kidding!, I was very anxious - I was LOSING MY DAUGHTER. I didn't know what to do, I had tried her entire lifetime and given her a fantastic life, she was adored, cherished, protected and she knew it. So all of this, everything, transferred to Bianca in this dream.
HOW DO I STOP THIS. I'm afraid TO GO TO SLEEP. I'm exhausted every day. I need to take a nap every single day at about 2pm. IT HAS TO STOP.