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It's the connection to the action for me, that's missing--is that the same for you, when you say "worth"? It's like, the action could be a good thing, but I don't believe that it reveals really who I am or is a true representation of who I am...it is, instead, more just evidence that I know how...

Thank you, @Recovery4Me...this is good to hear. I think I'm in the "massive therapy" phase and it's like two steps forward, one or two or three back...go to bed for a while...try again...:(

Omg, yes. I was trying to tell my therapist the other day about something good that happened to me professionally, and it was so difficulty that I actually had all the same reactions--my heart flying for example, failure of language--that I have trying to talk to her about sexual trauma....Yes...

I wonder if I'm going to be able to cast this quite right--but I'm looking to connect on this, to get a sense of whether this is something others deal with, too, as it brings me a lot of (weird) pain: positive feedback and attention in certain arenas in my life (esp my professional life)...

Yes, @cupfish....I get this "when I feel good it's false" thing. I have always had a "just get it done"/"just deal" lever built in, and so I have a mode that's just all about productivity and dealing and churning out work...I don't think this is the "real me" in a sense, but I have been good...

So lovely, @Friday...thank you for this.

First of all: you have a perfect screen name...we all know Stevie has been through some darkness. ;) I just listened to "Gypsy" in your honor--I hope the song gives you a few minutes of breather too. These words really struck me from your post: "hopping from experience to experience, staring...

Ugggggh, yes. My heart is with you for this awful pain. My experiences are different and yet the reaction is similar: rooted in a 12 yr-old body, conditioned to respond. And now I am stuck in a loop of liking something sexually that in fact I am repulsed by because it reminds me of my own...

Ah, this was one of my sticking points amid the postpartum depression I had after a traumatic birth experience (long story--but I ended up unconscious--beyond terrified/prepped for death). I couldn't breastfeed, though I tried, because I ended up with a terrible infection following the marathon...

Having grown up in a home with a sexually compulsive/addictive father, I have a unique perspective and do understand firsthand the deep capacity for trauma in such an environment. It's about far more than infidelity or pornography, but rather about participation in a system of consuming...

Good input...I'm going to look into all...it'd be nice to have a break from the itching....!

Thank you all so so much. Yes--I had this long-lasting rash once before and yes: it's a histamine level thing related to just getting run down/overstressed. The "allergy cell" (according to my allergist) becomes damaged and leaks histamine. It's worse at night because our histamine levels are...

Right? Uggggggh. Thanks for responding. Helps me.

Thanks, @8888. No, no meds. Makes me think about going on them some days, though....

I've been known to break out in hives, but this is different: it's actually a long-lasting, itchy rash, worse at night, that's like patches of small bumps or ridges. Can't see it as well as you can feel it--almost like itchy goose bumps. My skin gets itchy when my anxiety spikes, but this is a...

...yes...the menthol-like vapor/taste...makes genius sense....

You know...I think I could imagine that helping....will try!

Gotcha, totally. :hug:

@NightSky...absolutely, the best we can do is small steps. I have trigger issues with my husband/physical intimacy/touch too--it's hard stuff and not easy to talk about with each other. We are working on it, but again--it's not easy on both sides. I don't wan to hurt or reject him, but sometimes...

Also, @NightSky: I understand the partner/husband connection. When I first brought my husband into all this...I actually hyperventilated trying to share with him. But since that most awful moment--while there have been hard, hard conversations, pain and confusion between us, we also really have...

OMG, @NightSky...yes yes yes yes. That's just what I feel. I sometimes feel angry at my therapist, imagining (fearing) her taking my bad feelings with a grain of salt, forgetting, somehow leaving me alone with this ugly stuff. I tried yesterday to explain to her--even physically/visually, the...

This is so helpful, @Naoru--thank you. I'll try to wrestle with these questions some. I am definitely deeply struggling but I do think I have a good therapist. Your question about what it means to me to be "truly overwhelmed"--actually, I think I do understand your "world ending" sentiment. Some...

That means more to me than I can say, @Rumors--thank you for letting me know.

Thank you so very much @Naoru. This was very helpful, really. I am starting to try to articulate what it is I'm so afraid of with my therapist--she asked me a question the other day along the lines of "what do you think will happen if...?" and that got the conversation started. I think some of...

@cupfish...yes, you cast it exactly as it is. I'm sorry you're struggling with this too but grateful for the connection.