Breastfeeding

[Gs172003]

As @lostforgottensoul said, it seems like it would either have something to do wi...

No I loved having her. It was the action of her at my breast that I couldn't stand. I couldn't separate "this is her eating" from " this is a sexual body part " ( don't get me wrong, I got NO pleasure out of it what so ever) and I felt like what I was doing was wrong.

 

[joeylittle]

I couldn't separate "this is her eating" from " this is a sexual body part " ( don't get me wrong, I got NO pleasure out of it what so ever) and I felt like what I was doing was wrong.

That makes sense. I'm sorry, because I imagine that would have been a really hard inner conflict to experience.

 

[Gs172003]

That makes sense. I'm sorry, because I imagine that would have been a really hard inner conflict to...

Thanks.

 

[Casey_03]

@missy meier I don't know if this helps, but if breastfeeding caused you that much emotional distress, it's good that you didn't do it. It would've actually been worse for the baby if you'd have continued to breastfeed despite your own discomfort -- because the baby would've then been getting stress hormones all the time. I don't know if that is common knowledge, but the stress hormones thing is something I only learned about in my own breastfeeding misadventure. If you get upset and feed, the baby will be fed certain hormones (can't remember which ones) that will make him/her feel distress as well. i was surprised to learn about this myself. In the beginning, my baby kept getting upset and I couldn't figure out why. Then the doctors ran tests and explained this to me.

So, don't feel bad about not breastfeeding. As for the shame you felt, that is probably something to examine and reflect on. But don't go beating yourself up about it all 20 years after the fact.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

If you get upset and feed, the baby will be fed certain hormones (can't remember which ones) that will make him/her feel distress as well

Cortisol, which is the stress hormone.

Check these out:

Hormones in Mother’s Milk Influence Baby’s Behavior - International Milk Genomics Consortium

Breast milk contains natural stress hormone

http://mobile.nytimes.com/2014/11/06/science/in-a-mothers-milk-nutrients-and-a-message-too.html?_r=0

 

[Gs172003]

@missy meier I don't know if this helps, but if breastfeeding caused you that much...

It's not that I feel bad I couldn't it's that I feel like I missed out on a bonding experience that I should have been able to have. I guess I'll just have to figure out how to let it go. Thank you all

 

[Silver.]

When I had MM (mini me), I couldn't breastfeed because I had bronchitis when I gave birth. (I have to take 3 meds when I get bronchitis because of an autoimmune disease and asthma). So I missed out on breastfeeding.
I grew up around my parents friends, aunts and uncles etc that didn't breastfeed. We didn't shift that consciousness until my niece started having children. Our family was of the feeling that breastfeeding just wasn't done.
So it could be a generational thing, growing up having a general consensus that it just wasn't done, or it could be something else worth reflecting on as @Casey_03 said.
I can sit here and worry that I missed out on something that is considered an important role in bonding, or I can focus on my everyday words, actions and interactions with MM, which I chose to do, because I think it is important not to dwell on the what if's and focus on the possibilities.

 

[Casey_03]

To be honest, to me, breastfeeding doesn't even feel like it's a bonding experience. Other things do, but not breastfeeding. Breastfeeding just feels kind of mechanical. Sure, there are times my baby will look up on smile after feeding, but he does the same thing when I bottle feed him, so i don't think it's exclusive to breastfeeding.

 

[Gs172003]

To be honest, to me, breastfeeding doesn't even feel like it's a bonding experience. Other things do,...

Thanks. That's helpful

 

[amosmorris]

Ah, this was one of my sticking points amid the postpartum depression I had after a traumatic birth experience (long story--but I ended up unconscious--beyond terrified/prepped for death). I couldn't breastfeed, though I tried, because I ended up with a terrible infection following the marathon labor and all the awful stress on my body. I got myself into a cycle of guilt and fear that was hard to shake. For me it was about feeling like I had failed my child, both in not being present for her birth (again, knocked out) and in not being able to nurse her. What I learned though through all that is how much I admired the women who were able to just know what was "right" for them and then honor it--you know? That's really setting a good example, ultimately, for your children too. By that I mean: good for you, be proud of yourself for having the self-awareness to know that nursing just doesn't feel right to you or suit you, and for honoring your own limits. That wasn't something I was able to do, and it brought me such torment. Bonding really is about keeping your baby close, making her feel safe and secure, talking to her and making eye contact. That's all the best stuff. ;)

 

[Gs172003]

Ah, this was one of my sticking points amid the postpartum depression I had after a traumatic birth...

I'm sorry you had such a bad birth experience. Mine were good (except the last one when the epidural didn't work. The only birth I even tried it with lol)

 

[Lotis]

@missy meier I can relate! I chose not to breastfeed - I didn't even try it. I thought that made me a terrible person. My choice made me feel awful. After I gave birth the hospital made me feel pretty lousy about choosing not to breastfeed my child. I felt like I was depriving my child and that I was less than because I chose not to breastfeed. 9 months later my sister had a baby and she chose to breastfeed which made me feel even worse. All she talked about was how wonderful it was and how much she bonded with her baby. Not that she intentionally made me feel worse . It was just really hard hearing other people say how wonderful it is that she is breastfeeding and that there is nothing like it in the world or nothing that is better for your baby.
I questioned whether I had bonded enough with mine since I didn't breastfeed. It really hurt and bothered me because I thought I had failed mine in someway. It took me awhile to realize that I did nothing wrong and I didn't miss out. In fact, I think I made the best possible choice for myself and my baby. She is the most well adjusted healthy child who loves her mama. In comparison to a breastfed baby, her cousin....mine slept better, longer, was more satisfied for longer periods of time because she was getting a sufficient amount of nutrients at every feeding, bonding with me when I would feed her even if it was from a bottle. We do have a special bond despite not breastfeeding and I know it was the best decision I could have made.
I had a very rough time postpartum and feeding her from a bottle allowed others to feed her which gave me a much needed break. It wasn't selfish of me. It was me taking care of both ME and my BABY. I had my reasons for not breastfeeding and I wouldn't change my decision if I had to do it all over again.
It is OK.
~L