Relationship Mid-trigger breakup - now what?

[MetricTomorrow]

I've been seeing and falling in love with a wonderful man for 9 months now. We had a rocky start with plenty or mistrust and projections from his side, and hurt feelings on my part. I can't even remember how many times we "pulled the plug", but always ended up finding our way back to each other. Things eventually settled down and our relationship found a steady rhythm. But with the information these ups and downs had unearthed, over the following months I started suspecting he was struggling with CPTSD. I brought it up in conversation when opportunity presented itself, and he was surprisingly receptive to this, sharing more insights into his childhood and how his life has been, only making me even more certain. When we met he was working (high pressure well respected job), and was in therapy, and though his therapist never mentioned CPTSD (my mind boggles at this) just tending to his mental health on an ongoing basis really seemed to help. A few months into our relationship, he quit his job (the office moved location and he could no longer make it work with his lifestyle/children etc) with the intention to catch his breath for a few weeks, and then getting a new job or setting up up on his own. As he no longer had an income, he decided to stop therapy in order to reduce his outgoings. I had my concerns about this, as I figured he might be needing more support under his new circumstances, not less. I talked to him about it, but he was adamant he would be fine without therapy.

Fast forward a few months, he is still looking for a job. The lack of purpose and focus, along with the isolation, is driving him up the wall. His mental health has been suffering as a result (naturally), and I have noticed that he is more easily triggered, and never seems to find his way back to base line properly in between triggers. I've been spending as much time with him as I possibly can, and we are pretty much in constant contact over msging. On a couple of occasions, on evenings when I haven't been able to be with him and he's been on his own (we are both single parents and have our respective children on different nights), he has sent me msgs saying he's had enough of this life, suggesting he might hurt himself. Both times really scared me, and I invited him to come over to mine, or asked a neighbour to keep an eye on my son so that I could pop to his - I've not wanted him to be alone when he's feeling like that. He declined on both occasions, and seemed to bounce back after that.

Then, just over a week ago, he was really triggered by an event around pickings kids up from school. It had nothing to do with me, but he msgd me venting about it. I said I could absolutely see where he was coming from, validating his feelings. In the evening his reaction got worse, and he started spiralling - I can tell when he is because his msgs become like rapid fire, loads of short msgs sent in quick succession. I tried to validate and soothe, encouraging him to mentally step away from what had triggered him and just focus on his kids who were spending the wknd with him. He couldn't take anything I said onboard (as expected in that state, but still worth trying!), and instead sent me a msg saying he was sorry but needed to be left alone. I backed off and gave him space. I sent him a msg a few hrs later saying I was thinking of him. The next couple of days passed with me checking in once daily, as I was worried about him, but getting nothing in return. After three days of unopened msgs and no replies, I was worried sick. Thinking back to those times he had indicated he might hurt himself, I was terrified he just might have this time.

I will freely admit I let my fear get the better of me (I lost both my parents only a few years ago, so I guess my mind tends to go in that direction when I get scared), but I picked up some food for him, and drove over to his to check on him. I was shaking as I approached his door, not knowing what I should expect. He refused to open the door, eventually msging me from inside his house, telling me to go away - or he would call the police. I was shocked! I left the food outside his door and left. He followed up with msgs asking if I was some sort of stalker, turning up at his house like that. I explained that I'm not a stalker (he should know this after 9 months) but someone who cares so much about him that after days of no contact, I was worried sick and went to check on him. He replied 'definitely leave me alone'. And that's the last I heard from him.

I know he was having a triggered episode. I know this wasn't about me, and that I shouldn't take it personally. But I'm hurt from being threatened with the police, and hurting over being pushed away like this after months together. And I'm still so so worried about him! I'm oscillating between knowing he probably didn't mean what he said at the time, wanting to reach out to check on him, and feeling like threatening with calling the police was just a step too far, thinking I should wait him out as I need an apology for this. Ultimately, I'm heartbroken, and he's never far from my thoughts. I miss him terribly. I just don't know how to handle this situation. Any suggestions?

 

[arfie]

hello metric. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

i am loving the term, "mid-trigger breakup." it describes a long running phenom which has plagued my 45 year marriage. if either one of us liked lawyers, i have zero doubt we'd be long divorced by now. as it is, we have just taken however much space we need for the yaddahs of the blahs to work themselves out. we have lived apart quite a few times during our 45 years. we figure that family is bigger than a shared address. i believe that more than ever since my youngest son and his wife were killed in a car wreck, leaving us to raise their 3 orphans, ages 8 mos, 3 and 6 years at the time of the accident. we wouldn't have been able to save them from getting lost in the foster care system if we had gone for that divorce.

i don't really have a point to this ramble. just empathy and encouragement to keep venting. your answers are in there.

welcome aboard.

 

[Rose White]

That’s a lot! It’s clear you care about him and have gone to great lengths to support him. My only suggestion is to take this as a sign from the universe to give yourself deep comfort and care and enjoy in whatever way you can this release from the responsibility of rescuing him from his feelings. You don’t know what the future holds but you can now spend more time with your son or your friends or nature or art or…

I’m not trying to be glib, I realize you are heartbroken and that is so painful. So cry a lot too as much as you need, and reach out for your own support and care—you deserve it too.

 

[Nairobi]

Hi @MetricTomorrow , I am very sorry that you feel like this
I am in a similar situation with my friend. In fact, I entered today in the forum looking for support, because I also feel heartbroken today. Finding that I am not alone in this makes me feel a little better
My friend also made a lot of times in the past "the stalker" thing. It was absolutely no sense, because he was a homeless that was living in my home for free. But he told me very hurtfull things like "why the hell are you stalking me?" when he was in crisis. He was living in my house for free, I was taking care of him bringing food and other stuff when he was bad, and he was accusing me of being a stalker because I was only trying to have a conversation in the kitchen or to know a little about how was he doing!!!. I dont know how I didnt become crazy. I was helping him but I was feeling the worst person in the world. In periods in which he was better, he told me that when he was in crisis he felt paranoid and that everybody was against him. So my first advice is: take a lot of care of yourself, please look for emotional support, and therapy, because this situation can damage you a lot

Several weeks ago I also had a mid trigger breakup about our friendship. One day he was my best friend and I was going to visit him in several days (is a long distance friendship), and the next day he didnt want to call or text, because of a problem that produces a huge stress in him. He asked me not to write or call and leave him alone (he did it in a polite way, I understood and I didnt feel bad). I respected that, but yesterday afternoon the plants of my house that we had grow together had a lot of flowers, I was missing him so much, so I sent him a photo. No asking how he was doing, not pressure, not calling, just a picture and "The flowers are beautiful". He sent me a clear signal that he was angry with me about the picture and breaking the "leave my alone". I feel today very sad. I can see him connected in social media. He can see pictures and texts and interact with other people, but he is angry with me just because a picture. When he told me leave my alone, several weeks ago, I was thinking in something temporal and was not sad. But now I feel that maybe is a "forever friendship breakup". I am very very sad today

So my second advice is: listen to the advice of @Rose White , I will try to listen to her and do it. But if you are not able to forget him (maybe I am not), and want to follow with the relationship, leave him alone. Completely alone. Dont call him or go to his house in several weeks. Maybe in some days you can send a message about "I am here to speak when you feel better" or something like this, to show him that you have not dissapear and that you are only respecting his desire of being alone. But dont do my mistake. I tried to reach maybe very early, I was thinking I was not pressuring him, but is the opposite, now he is more war away, if that is possible.
Take a lot of care of you, you dont deserve this

 

[Friday]

I know he was having a triggered episode.

Was he, though?

I’ve made the mistake of seeing the crazy I expected to see, so I don’t say this lightly.

Childhood trauma causes & exacerbates ALL SORTS of different disorders & conditions, including every personality disorder out there. Adult-only trauma has a much shorter list, of only a few dozen different possibilities. It’s just not as simple/straightforward as if trauma then PTSD.

I know this wasn't about me, and that I shouldn't take it personally.

Let’s assume, for just a moment though, that someone with PTSD did what he did.

There is a HUGE difference between not taking things personally AND NOT being a doormat.

PTSD isn’t an excuse for bad behavior; the opposite, it’s a reason to get bad behavior under control, yesterday.

If someone threatens you with the police? Take. Them. Seriously. Even if they’re having a baby, or in a psychotic break, much less going about their normal lives. Ditto threatening you with physical harm, financial ruin, etc. Son’t take ANY of that nonsense personally, you don’t deserve to be XYZ, but DO take them seriously. And then seriously consider whether you want to be with someone who threatens you when they’re irritated, and whether you’re willing to risk the consequences of them being honest, and carrying out their threats.

 

[Movingforward10]

9 months is not a long time at all. And most of what you have written about the relationship sounds really really really hard.

The right relationship wouldn't be this hard from day one.

What do you value and need in a relationship? And are you getting that from this person?

You sound knowledgeable about triggers etc. but is there too much concentration on him and you putting yourself in a 'saviour' mode?

My therapist doesn't me tion diagnosies to me, because a lot of therapists don't follow those models. Or it works differently in different countries. In the UK a therapist can't diagnose anyone whereas in the US they can. So, maybe your mind boggling about that is not understanding what the therapist was doing?

 

[Sweetpea76]

As a supporter, I get it. It’s hard not to be worried sick if you think something is off. However, you cannot let your fear and anxiety override somebody’s boundaries. Boundaries and trust are a huge deal for people with PTSD. It’s hard to earn, and hard to keep.

Let me reframe this situation another way. It’s not a dig at you, but another perspective from somebody who has been there, done that.

sent me a msg saying he was sorry but needed to be left alone.

He told you he needed space.

I sent him a msg a few hrs later saying I was thinking of him.

You messaged him only after a few hours.

The next couple of days passed with me checking in once daily, as I was worried about him, but getting nothing in return.

You messaged him more, even though he was not responding.

I picked up some food for him, and drove over to his to check on him.

You went by his house wanting to interact/see/speak with him.

He refused to open the door, eventually msging me from inside his house, telling me to go away - or he would call the police.

He followed up with msgs asking if I was some sort of stalker, turning up at his house like that.

He replied 'definitely leave me alone'. And that's the last I heard from him.

^^^ this is his reaction when you did not respect his clear boundary.

But I'm hurt from being threatened with the police, and hurting over being pushed away like this after months together.

Rather than focusing on your feelings of hurt, think about his perspective. Typically isolation is a coping mechanism to deal with stress. He asked for space as he was probably trying to regulate. He needed it to feel better. When PTSD sufferers are in this mode they are not able to handle their own emotions, so they definitely cannot deal with other people’s emotions or expectations. He may not have had the headspace to soothe your anxiety.

I do not think you were being malicious, and I think you did what you did because you care. However, you contacted him like 3-4 times and went to his house during a span of three days after he communicated a need to be left alone. He’s not seeing that you were anxious. He’s seeing that you would not give him space when he asked for it.

 

[MetricTomorrow]

As a supporter, I get it. It’s hard not to be worried sick if you think something is off. However, you cannot let your fear and anxiety override somebody’s boundaries. Boundaries and trust are a huge deal for people with PTSD. It’s hard to earn, and hard to keep.

Let me reframe this situation another way. It’s not a dig at you, but another perspective from somebody who has been there, done that.



He told you he needed space.



You messaged him only after a few hours.



You messaged him more, even though he was not responding.



You went by his house wanting to interact/see/speak with him.







^^^ this is his reaction when you did not respect his clear boundary.



Rather than focusing on your feelings of hurt, think about his perspective. Typically isolation is a coping mechanism to deal with stress. He asked for space as he was probably trying to regulate. He needed it to feel better. When PTSD sufferers are in this mode they are not able to handle their own emotions, so they definitely cannot deal with other people’s emotions or expectations. He may not have had the headspace to soothe your anxiety.

I do not think you were being malicious, and I think you did what you did because you care. However, you contacted him like 3-4 times and went to his house during a span of three days after he communicated a need to be left alone. He’s not seeing that you were anxious. He’s seeing that you would not give him space when he asked for it.

I can see what you are saying, though a REALLY bitter pill to swallow. Because as a cPTSD sufferer, he also needs consistency, reassurance that I haven't been scared off and abandoned him - something I know is an issue for him. Add to that the human factor - as in, I'm also a human being with my own fears and worries - and it makes it an incredibly difficult balance to strike.

I could try and explain myself more (as in, when not triggered he would msg me 'are you alive' if I didn't reply within a couple of hrs so that's the level we're used to, that I really did just want a sign of life from him and as he'd turned off 'read receipts' on WhatsApp I though my msgs went unopened, and that had those silly two ticks just turned blue it would have been enough and I wouldn't have gone to to check on him and so on and so on) but I'll just end up sounding like a desperate woman with bunny boiling tendencies. After two weeks in this vacuum, I just don't have the energy to even try to make my case.

What I would like to know - as in my post title - is what now? I screwed up, and I'm obviously the one at fault here. But I can't rectify it, because that would also cross boundaries. Damned if I do, and damned if I don't.

 

[Friday]

What I would like to know - as in my post title - is what now? I screwed up, and I'm obviously the one at fault here.

Obviously at fault… for what???

 

[MetricTomorrow]

Obviously at fault… for what???

For overstepping, for not leaving him alone.

Death has played a prominent role in my life the last few years (after losing both parents in relatively close succession), and I think a part of me is still holding its breath, waiting and wondering when it’ll strike again, who it’ll take away next. After his msgs suggesting he might hurt himself, and a few days of silence, I let that part of me get behind the wheel, when really it shouldn’t even be allowed to touch the radio dials That’s my own issue, and I guess a good place to funnel my focus now.

I don’t know who’s at fault here, really, and I’m not sure it’s even relevant. I think the takeaway is that he doesn’t seem to have capacity for the type of relationship I want right now (or maybe just not with me), and that’s hard to accept.

 

[MetricTomorrow]

Was he, though?

I’ve made the mistake of seeing the crazy I expected to see, so I don’t say this lightly.

Childhood trauma causes & exacerbates ALL SORTS of different disorders & conditions, including every personality disorder out there. Adult-only trauma has a much shorter list, of only a few dozen different possibilities. It’s just not as simple/straightforward as if trauma then PTSD.


Let’s assume, for just a moment though, that someone with PTSD did what he did.

There is a HUGE difference between not taking things personally AND NOT being a doormat.

PTSD isn’t an excuse for bad behavior; the opposite, it’s a reason to get bad behavior under control, yesterday.

If someone threatens you with the police? Take. Them. Seriously. Even if they’re having a baby, or in a psychotic break, much less going about their normal lives. Ditto threatening you with physical harm, financial ruin, etc. Son’t take ANY of that nonsense personally, you don’t deserve to be XYZ, but DO take them seriously. And then seriously consider whether you want to be with someone who threatens you when they’re irritated, and whether you’re willing to risk the consequences of them being honest, and carrying out their threats.

"PTSD isn’t an excuse for bad behavior; the opposite, it’s a reason to get bad behavior under control, yesterday." (sorry, still figuring out how to use the 'quote' function on here)

This one sentence has so much sense in it, it should get some sort of award! He knows he self sabotages, he knows he doesn't cope well with life, but he doesn't know any different. His upbringing hasn't left him with great parameters of what is 'good' and 'bad' behaviour. This is who he thinks he is, not realising he's (almost) constantly acting from a triggered nervous system. When he's triggered he doesn't know how to stop himself. Then after he feels shame - a LOT of shame. He doesn't know much about cPTSD. His therapist suggested he'd get assessed for ADHD, and I can sort of see why - there is a big overlap in presentation between the two (I have ADHD, and initially thought I could recognise some of my own pre-diagnosis/pre-medication destructive patterns in his destructive patterns, but after more time with him I realised it was more to it than that). I suggested he might have cPTSD, and he started to read up more on it. I'm hoping that he'll carry on learning about it, and eventually get the right help and support - for his own sake (and his kids'). I cannot fix this, it's not my job to do so. Nobody came to save me when I was at rock bottom, and saving myself was the most empowering thing I have ever done. I wish that for him.

In between triggers, when he's feeling safe and relaxed, he's the most wonderful, kind, caring, brilliant, funny and sweet man I have ever met. The ways he shows his care and affection are subtle but so incredibly pure, they would catch me off-guard every time. He has a brilliant mind, that works differently from mine, making for super stimulating conversation. I've learned a lot from him, and he's encouraged me to make some very positive changes to my life and how I run my business. There's so much more to him than all the triggers and 'bad behaviours' - these just got a lot worse in the months after he left his job.

I absolutely agree with you on taking such threats seriously. And I did. As I was driving home, I was thinking that had he chosen to act on that threat, my son and I would have had two police officers knocking on our door that evening (or whenever), and it would have terrified my son. That's not ok - anything that might impact my son negatively is a hard line in the sand for me. I just never thought it would come to that.

 

[MetricTomorrow]

Update:
After 3 weeks, I emailed him to say I could see how my actions were overstepping his boundaries, no matter how good my intentions were. In my email I took accountability for the outcome - even though my intentions were good, I have to take accountability for the outcome - and apologised.

Today he replied saying I’m just coming up with justifications and reasons, and that my behaviour was traumatising.

I don’t know what to make of it. Yes, I explained where I was coming from, but also took responsibility for how that impacted him, and apologised for that. I guess that could be seen as ‘reasons and justifications’, but it could also be just that - an explanation (not an excuse - there’s a difference) leading to accountability and apology. What’s the difference between explanation and justification? Is it just in interpretation?

I’m not sure what more I can say to him - I have put my hands up and taken accountability and apologised. What more can I do?