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I worked in law enforcement and the military and learned various forms of self defense. I loved it! I would plan in my mind times when I would be able to use it on men that would need it. It was so useful and rewarding to me. I was such a good student to what they taught. Everything they...

I hear you! I'm sorry you have had such a hard time. I understand about the self harm though and the dissociation. My therapist today kept having to bring me back to the the session. I felt a little embarressed but not really bad about it. I feel the good emotions sometimes but never the bad...

I think its a Catch 21 or something to that effect. Being alone sucks so bad! I know. I live it every day, yet I don't want to change it either. I am terrified to see anyone that could alter my life. I look at my future as well one step at a time. Every step is so measured and allowed only for...

That sounds a lot like me. My OCD started when I was 8 or 9. I believe it was triggered from the trauma. My family was and still is very religious. They were of the forgive and forget mindset. Everyone except my Mom. My Mom's parents were the main abusers as well as her nephew. Her brothers and...

I wish I could point it somewhere else. I know where it should go. The people who abused me throughout my life are the ones who truly deserve the hate and disgust. I do hate them in one way, but I can't get myself to put all my hatred on them and relieve myself of that burden.

Yes, that's more like what I say to myself in my head. Unconsciously I sabotage myself and my treatment all the time according to my therapist. She said I wasn't giving other therapists in the past the full picture or even letting them work on my diagnosis because I was sabotaging myself...

I don't understand. Can you explain more this explanation for getting a new therapist? I was under the impression that finding self soothing techniques was a good thing. My therapist who is an expert in PTSD has also instructed me to do this to help with self injury. I don't really understand.

That makes a lot of sense. I feel that way so often too. It can take hold of you and be so overwhelming so that's all you think of. I'm sorry you are feeling that way.

It's such a hard thing to figure out for me too. The inner child seems to map when the brain first functions as a contributor to your psyche. I know my first experience where I felt I was a person but also intruded upon was as a toddler about 3 or 4. I was being abused by my grandfather at an...

Thanks. I actually did end up calling because I was so confused to what I was feeling. I knew it was a good thing that I talked but I was beating the crap out of myself. I felt bad about that. The guilt was there either way. She was helpful in the sense that she didn't judge me. She never does...

I don't know about everyone else here, but I have had a tendency to downplay things about myself. I guess because I was afraid to see what was beneath everything else. I had gone through numerous therapists and didn't like any of them. It was for good reasons too. I just never felt comfortable...

I wish I could say I am an avid user at go to self soothing techniques. My therapist just told me tonight after I self injured to go get ice cream. It sounds funny but sweets are something I love, and my dog loved them and I miss her so I guess that can be a good thing too when I am sad. As...

I'm so sorry I didn't respond sooner. I've been in and out of the hospital for the last few months. I had to give up my hammer too...but then I had my wrench. That's the problem, there's always something else unless you nip it in the bud. I find it is like an addiction. The anxiety is so...

I did what I thought I was "supposed" to do. I went into the military to learn self defense so I knew how to kick the ass out of anyone who tried to hurt me. Then I went into law enforcement so I could put the scum in jail. I did ok for a few years. I had disconnected from my childhood so much...

I understand. I am sorry you feel this way, but I completely get it. The self hatred I feel is 24/7 and I don't know how to get rid of it.

Chava, I am a complete black and white thinker. There is no grey area for me...never has been. Working out has been my outlet to achieve the ultimate goals. There is no grey area with exercise, you do or you don't. You have a structure you are focused on and the adrenaline carries you a certain...

You are right. I just talked to my therapist yesterday about being disconnected all the time. She pretty much said the same thing. She had talked about doing a little bit at a time. I guess I can see that as a goal. The thing is, my anger is so intense it covers every other emotion. I try to...

Thanks for your response. I was in the hospital for a few days. Things had been building. My dog dying had put things over the edge. Right now I am trying to build things up into a schedule that is doable. I want to wake up and feel like I can make it thru the day. I want to feel like I have a...

Yes! Disconnected...that's what I have felt. Sorry I have been away. I have been in the hospital for a few days. I am sorry you feel the same way though. Its such a horrible thing to lose a wonderful part of your life!! I keep seeing her around me, and saying out loud to her and then realizing...

Please don't. I am on your side in the sense of suicidal ideation and wanting to die so much. I have to put it off for my loved ones. My Mom is the one I do it for you know? She is the one I point towards when I think of doing it. Granted I have a tough time, but I think of her and know how...

Sorry, I didn't mean to put people off. I feel like a freak most of the time because of how much I hurt myself, and I was just trying to get a sense if there were any other people out there anywhere close to where I was. I didn't mean to scare people off. I just feel so alone a lot of the time...

I'm sorry everyone is having such a horrible time with self harm. I know when I started the thread so long ago I was miserable, and could relate so well to everyone's predicament in a relative way. I feel bad that others feel so badly too. I know I don't want to be the only one, but then I also...

I have known I was always a very stoic person, but my Mother is like that too. The thing is, it is disturbing to me that I can't connect to many things that have happened in the past or present day. I just disconnect or go numb. My dog just had to be euthanized a little more than a week ago...

I'm so sorry you went through that. I can't fathom how difficult that is with your daughters and the stress that comes along with it. The fear must be incredible. Do you have an outlet that you use? That Queen sounds like an amazing individual. I have never heard of her. What a horrible thing...

I understand that. I get what you are saying and can sympathize. It sucks all the way around. The system doesn't work well in many ways. Obviously you and I have seen it in its very bad form. I have had doctors just make fun of me and my fears. One head doctor told me to not worry about the...