Self-hatred Versus Self-pity

[Deleted member 1860]

This is my second thread on self-hatred, but its a little bit different from the last time I posted almost a year ago. I really wish I didn't have this struggle....

I finally realized that I truly do hate myself. Or at least I do when I'm stuck in an episode, which is what seems to be going on now. But, the bigger realization is that my self-hatred is misinterpreted as self-pity. For the longest time people have been telling me to stop with the pity-party, stop with the self-pity. They would say this and of course it would fly right over my head. I'd always dismiss it and just go on about my business.

This is how I see things... When I pity someone else, I feel sorry for them. I wish that things weren't so rough for them. I have a bit of compassion for them and their situation, and wish them the best. Turn it around and reflect it inward, and nope, I feel none of this for myself, so no, I cannot say this is indeed self-pity. When I am feeling hate toward another person, they get the full brunt of my wrath, I can tear them down like there is no tomorrow, and my harsh words have no boundaries. Fortunately I haven't done this in awhile now....well, not to anyone else, but yes, this is very much the same as what I do to myself. I tear myself down in every possible way that I can. There are no limits, there are no boundaries. I tell myself every possible negative thing so that I can destroy myself. I no longer resort to physically destroying myself through self-injury, but I still very much so try to mentally destroy myself.

I don't really blame others for not seeing what is going on. I mean, how could they? Most people can't even begin to fathom the depths of my self-hatred, so of course they misinterpret it as self-pity. Most people don't understand how someone could hate themselves so much.

I did a bit of IFST (Inter-family systems therapy) a few years ago. My root feeling/thought is "I am bad". I did a "family tree" with all of my thoughts and feelings, and at the root of it all was "I am bad". This self-hatred and self-destruction fits in with that root thought/feeling. From the "I am bad" thought comes the belief that I am evil, and from there it snowballs into I must destroy myself to save everyone else. I have extreme guilt for hurting other people, and reason in my mind that the one hurt of losing me is much better than the hundreds of hurts that they would experience if I was still in their life. I use this as a reason to justify suicide (I am not suicidal right now so please don't interpret my statement as such), and I use it as a reason to walk away from any relationship where I have ever hurt anyone, no matter how small the infraction. In my mind, it makes sense. In my mind, it is reasonable and rational. I know that it isn't to others, and perhaps this is why I struggle so much with the basic "wise mind" concept of DBT? My rational mind is so skewed that is difficult to get to a "wise mind" state.

I don't feel sorry for myself. I am bad and I deserve to be punished. There is no "woe-is-me" because I feel that I deserve each and every bad thing that comes my way.

Lesson.... Don't show my self-hatred to anyone in the real world. I can let it out here when I label it as such, but out there, I am just a pathetic, whiny, "woe-is-me" kind of bitch because they don't understand, and cannot fathom the depths to which I truly hate myself. It sucks to have to go deeper into hiding, but nobody likes it when I express my self-hatred....they get sick of me and think I am playing games. No, its not like that, not at all. Hahaha, back to shallow relationships, I suppose. Can't let anyone see the real you because they don't like it. Ugh.

 

[risingsun]

I have extreme guilt for hurting other people,

I am so so sorry that you are feeling this way Solara. I can empathize more than you know. I feel guilty for everything that goes wrong with anyone in my family. It is consuming. It is a lonely sphere. It is one in which my ex-therapist couldn't even fathom. Just when things go smoothly, I feel I always do something to screw things up for people. Guilt is endless. Guilt is really the enemy of the SELF.

I was thinking of starting on some self-healing meditations regarding this, some in which I could possibly find on the internet. Guilt consumes my dreams and my waking hours. I don't wish it on my worst enemy.

I have no words on this subject really as I am trying to come to terms with this myself. I do know deep down, though, that we are all worthy of love and compassion and that we are already approved by the universe. But getting to that point of complete self-love is definately a journey. But I do know that it is the root of everything. I know I must come to love and respect who I am in this world. Maybe that is the challenge of this journey. Maybe it is coming back to the Authentic Self. And maybe there lies the safety and comfort we so yearn for in this life.

Anyhow, getting to know you on the forum, I have come to know you as a wondering, caring person. And do know, you are not on this journey alone. Warmest Always to You, Rising Sun.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I used to hate myself with such a passion. I did it for so many years until I got sick and tired of being sick and tired and a good friend finally got through to me that the self hate is a negative practice and only I had the power to change myself.

I think when you are sick and tired of being sick and tired you may become ready to start catching your negative thoughts and start replacing them with the facts.

You have been hurting yourself, you do not need enemies because you are your worst one in my opinion.

I do not think you are having pity parties for yourself because I remember how deep my self hatred went.

I also agree that false guilt played a huge role in my self hate.

Baby steps. When you become ready to change for the better you will. You do not sound ready yet. You are a good person worth fighting for and no one else is going to do it for you. I wish you the very best in this experience. Hugs.

 

[Jane.l]

I relate to a lot of what you said and for all the new boxes of trauma I open it's just more evidence that it must be 'something about me ' I am bad I made this happen - I have a constant trail of betrayal and abuse from earliest memory - if you saw it you would say it's not my fault - if I saw your history I would say it's not your fault - but something stops us from believing that but we can see it for each other .

I love your posts - I love your black and white , that you give it straight , that you Show great insight - I think you are actually a pretty amazing person .

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Thanks you guys. I think I should add that I do have times when I am ok. Its not that I have 24/7 self-hate. I think if I did, it would have ended a long time ago. I have times when I am ok, when I think I can do it, when I think that there is an end to all this....but then it all comes crashing down again, and I hate myself once more.

I know I need to hold on to those moments and use my CBT skills to pull me through.

 

[Tinyflame]

I seem to operate independently of what I think of myself, it's always get this done or that. But it Idk, doesn't really budge for me either. I don't have the skills to make much indent in it. @Jane.l seemed to touch on something.

It doesn't feel like self-pity to me because even the fact of it doesn't seem to qualify as something of any importance, to be of any other's concern either way.

 

[Go Hungry]

Well... I know that my self-hate and self-pity are really all rolled up into one Big Ball o' Destruction, and segue into each other so insidiously that it's almost impossible to tell them apart. It could be that other people are seeing pity in places you can't see, and you are seeing hate in places they can't see, like you said. Either way it doesn't mean that you are as terrible as you think. You've got worth, you are of value. You deserve that love that Rising Sun was speaking of. The authentic self. :hug:

 

[shell]

I always hated myself and went into self destruct mode when ever I felt like someone was rejecting me or something I had done. I would re-experience my mothers treatment of me as a child only this time I was the abuser and there was no escaping me.

It's only now when I do it, I recognize it and halt it because it's just a replay of her, only I don't like her so why would I allow her in my head any more.

Learning self compassion, accepting I am human has made the self loathing days a thing of the past, it was one of the most helpful and stablizing changes I made, I always told myself I would never be like them, but I was. Just because I turned it inwards and not on others, I was still just like them, self abuse is still abuse.

 

[RussH]

Sorry if this seem grammar tech, but I think it will help put some things in perspective for you. What you discribe regarding your sympathic feelings for others would be empathy. You identify with their situation, their pain, and you feel the sympathy and compassion of one human to another for them.

When you look at yourself, do you see yourself has a human deserving sympathy and compassion, or do you pity yourself and see yourself as less deserving of sympathy and compassion?

My abusers taught me that I was less than human, and as such did not deserve such human concern. I suspect you have had the same lessons.

You are human, and you deserve to show compassion to yourself; just as you show it to others. Do not accept the idenity your abusers tried to give you, instead accept the idenity you were created to be; a wonderful human being.

 

[scout86]

Everything you said makes complete, perfect sense to me. The problem I see is that it's based on a faulty premise.

I am bad and I deserve to be punished.

I'm not saying you don't THINK that, just that it's not true. My T keeps telling me that our thinking and actions should be based on "up to day, accurate information." When it's not, he says it's important to see that and work on updating. (He always makes that sound so easy......)

He also says that all of these ideas were, at some point, "adaptive" and that if we can see how they were, it often helps see how the ideas are now out of date and no longer serve the original purpose. I was pretty skeptical, at first, but it's turned out to be true in the cases I've worked through.

So, do you know where that idea came from and how it was, some how, "adaptive" at some point in the past?

 

[shell]

I used to tell myself I was bad and deserved to be treated badly, so I didn't have to be upset and hurt at being hurt by others, it was to protect myself from feeling all the awful pain that comes up if I accept I didn't deserve to be abused, rejected etc. It was a weird form of self protection, attack myself instead.

 

[xena21]

Most people can't even begin to fathom the depths of my self-hatred

I understand. I am sorry you feel this way, but I completely get it. The self hatred I feel is 24/7 and I don't know how to get rid of it.