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Woke up this morning determined to bleach my hair. I don't intend to stay blond (wouldn't work well at all with my complexion) but it will hopefully let my colorful dye job really pop tomorrow. I plan on adding some electric blue in there this time. If I have to go back into the school...

I was exhausted today. Not entirely sure why. My husband says he was in and out of bed all night and that I seemed disturbed every time he got up. His sleeping has been truly erratic the past week or so. Maybe that's contributing to my mental state. I don't remember getting disturbed but...

I was productive today. Worked on grading (maybe it won't pile up on me this time...), amended an IEP, wrote an IEP, and did various other bits of paperwork. I met with some kids and helped them with some assignments. Overall, a good day. The whole distraction from the Switch seems to be...

@ladee , I know telling him was long overdue. For some reason I'm not super worked up about it. I think some of it is that I'm so overwhelmed by everything that I'm numb but I also think that some of my fears have faded a bit due to doing EMDR with him and some of the nice things that have...

Well, it's been a week since I wrote on here. There hasn't been that much to say. In truth, I'm starting to sound like a broken record and it's the same crap, different day with me. On Thursday last week, I had my T's CBT group. It went fine. I don't think I got much out of it but I don't...

I had my T's group tonight. Lots of technical difficulties. At the end, it wound up being just me, my T, and another longtime group member. It was nice to just chat more casually with a very small group like that. I brought up my reluctance about returning to school and my concerns that I...

I had X's group tonight. I was nearly a half an hour late because I fell asleep. I've been starting to sleep a lot. Lots of dissociation too. When I logged in, it appeared the conversation was about grieving losses. Then, X asked if any of us had anything pressing. I spoke up about being...

@ruborcoraxxx , yes, this very much resonates with me. Even when I'm "relaxing" and playing a video game, I am very goal oriented. It's like I can't give myself permission to not be productive. I don't understand people who go to the beach to relax. How can you just sit there and not be...

I went to X's group tonight. I somewhat brought up my concerns about how I feel stuck and lost and how I feel like if this is it for me, I don't really want to stick around. X actually addressed this as our topic tonight. Lots of people chimed in, feeling similarly in one way or another. X...

Well, Urgent Care was pointless. It was someone new. She couldn't figure out how to use the camera. She also shamed me for taking too long because, according to her, I'm only allotted ten minutes for an appointment. Since when? No camera and cutting someone off very quickly (I've always...

I went and got my second shot today. Didn't even feel it go in. It's a bit sore now though. It's a long drive to the vaccination site. It was a struggle to drive without dissociating. I kept looking for things to focus my attention on and rolled down my windows to stay grounded. I'm...

I've been massively depressed today. Lots of suicidal ideation. My guitar teacher stopped trying to teach me guitar and instead just sat and talked to me for a little over an hour or so. I couldn't stop shaking or crying. The thing is, the more I think about it, the more it makes sense to...

I did end up sending the email to my T. He offered to talk about what was bothering me but I couldn't. Sometimes I think he's a magical mind reader though because we did end up having a conversation that I found very reassuring. I did catch him up on the after effects from the last session...

So I went to the new group my T has today. There were five of us so no bonus session. I did keep my camera on. We talked about the basics of CBT and strategies to deal with anxiety and panic. One of the people said that she has trouble remembering her strategies when she's actually panicked...

@ruborcoraxxx , thank you for this. As I went to sleep last night, I was deeply sad and ashamed at not responding. I know my T cares and is trying to take care of me. I even rationally know that he can't help me if I don't tell him. I talked to my friend L last night about this as it was...

@ladee , I know he is. I know I should tell him. But I know some of this is the fear that he's going to turf me out any day now. Don't need to act up and give him more reasons to get rid of me. I know it's irrational but that's where I'm at. Hopefully by group on Thursday I'll be feeling...

Went to my T's group tonight. When I got there, I was the only person there so I turned my camera off and just chilled. Some people came on and started chatting. They seemed a lot happier than usual so I felt unwelcome somehow. So, I never turned my camera back on. Tonight's topic was on...

@ladee , I know. It's just been hard realizing that I wasn't born this way. Anxiety and depression and my many avoidance behaviors aren't in my DNA. Remembering all of the things and being able to rationally make the connection is one thing but accepting that I will need to go through a lot...

There are some hard truths in life that are hard to ignore. In truth, in terms of the world itself, I do not matter. The world would carry on just fine without me. I'd like to think I matter to those around me but I also know that their lives would continue on without me. I doubt that 100...

I've been continuing to process the idea that I have these damaged parts running amok in my mind. From what I understand, people with damaged parts are on a spectrum. While I'm fairly certain I don't have full blown alters, as I read more and listen to more, I'm positive that I do have at...

I had my T's group tonight. We talked about radical acceptance. During the conversation, I started talking about locus of control stuff and how I try to use radical acceptance after I've determined that something is outside of my locus of control. Through the discussion I ended up talking...

@joeylittle , yeah, he's amazing. I've been through a lot of counselors/therapists over the years and he's the only one who has seemed to "get me" enough to actually help me in any way. I still have a long way to go but I like that he seems to have new different ideas then I've heard before.

@joeylittle , I'm pretty familiar with it as a special educator but I've never been good at applying it inward. It doesn't hurt to give the group a shot as my T is running it and definitely had a chance to discourage me from doing it if he thought it wouldn't be beneficial.

I had X's group tonight and it was good. The thing is, I tend to have more fun at the group these days than anything else. However, someone asked my question: how do you re-enter society when you don't really want to. Most people are looking forward to getting back to normal but I'm not. I...

Today has been a day. I still have a headache from Friday's EMDR session. One of my students went into full-blown crisis today. He'd been reaching out to crisis hotlines over the weekend and he had reached a breaking point this afternoon. He was having a lot of thoughts about self-harm. I...