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- #253
Sadielady3
MyPTSD Pro
I did end up sending the email to my T. He offered to talk about what was bothering me but I couldn't. Sometimes I think he's a magical mind reader though because we did end up having a conversation that I found very reassuring. I did catch him up on the after effects from the last session and that I think he's right about me having parts.
We worked on the block that my mother loves my brother but not me. We ended up talking about "son love" and how some Asian cultures engage in treating the sons like they are flawless while the daughters as though they are dispensable. Maybe somewhere in my mom's mind this was a belief she had for some reason. I don't know. But maybe I am starting to accept the fact that this was her issue, not mine. Looking back at all of the ways we were treated differently for whatever reason I think helps in a strange way.
My T had me try to install positive beliefs using slow bilateral stimulation. It made me nauseous. He found that interesting. We discussed how getting compliments and validation makes me nervous because I always feel like someone or something is going to take it away from me. We discussed some specific incidents from the past that conditioned me to feel that way.
Next session we're going to discuss a future template in regards to how to deal with my mom. I told my T that I hadn't spoken to her in over six weeks. He nearly fell out of his chair with delight. I guess I now know how he feels about that relationship, lol. But I went on to say that I don't plan to cut her out forever because of other factors in my life so having a way to better navigate and be less affected by that relationship is still a really good idea. He said that he understood my stance.
At the very end I asked him what comes next after the EMDR. I told him that I wasn't so sure about doing parts therapy because it seemed overly cheesy to me and I might punch someone if I tried it. He chuckled and said that it was entirely up to me if I wanted to continue after EMDR. I told him that I didn't want to be a waste of time to him and he said that he doesn't feel at all like I'm malingering and he would tell me straight up if I wasn't being productive enough in therapy. I said that I didn't want to stay too long and wasn't sure what was reasonable. He told me that he himself is in therapy, has been for a while, and plans to be for the foreseeable future. He said that he thinks life is hard and if you feel like you need support then go get support. I am going to take this as being welcome for as long as I'd like to stay and continue working. I haven't managed to scare him off yet. I'm still worried that eventually I will but even if he gave me a very earnest soliloquy about why that wouldn't happen, I don't think I'd believe him. There's too much he doesn't know yet to be able to say that to me and know what he's committing to. He also hasn't dealt with "going to work" me yet so he has no idea how much dysfunction I really have under normal conditions. Some of it may be gone due to the work I've been doing in therapy but I doubt I'll be doing all that well out in the real world. But at least I know he's not going to be sitting there thinking that I am taking too long. That helps a bit.
We worked on the block that my mother loves my brother but not me. We ended up talking about "son love" and how some Asian cultures engage in treating the sons like they are flawless while the daughters as though they are dispensable. Maybe somewhere in my mom's mind this was a belief she had for some reason. I don't know. But maybe I am starting to accept the fact that this was her issue, not mine. Looking back at all of the ways we were treated differently for whatever reason I think helps in a strange way.
My T had me try to install positive beliefs using slow bilateral stimulation. It made me nauseous. He found that interesting. We discussed how getting compliments and validation makes me nervous because I always feel like someone or something is going to take it away from me. We discussed some specific incidents from the past that conditioned me to feel that way.
Next session we're going to discuss a future template in regards to how to deal with my mom. I told my T that I hadn't spoken to her in over six weeks. He nearly fell out of his chair with delight. I guess I now know how he feels about that relationship, lol. But I went on to say that I don't plan to cut her out forever because of other factors in my life so having a way to better navigate and be less affected by that relationship is still a really good idea. He said that he understood my stance.
At the very end I asked him what comes next after the EMDR. I told him that I wasn't so sure about doing parts therapy because it seemed overly cheesy to me and I might punch someone if I tried it. He chuckled and said that it was entirely up to me if I wanted to continue after EMDR. I told him that I didn't want to be a waste of time to him and he said that he doesn't feel at all like I'm malingering and he would tell me straight up if I wasn't being productive enough in therapy. I said that I didn't want to stay too long and wasn't sure what was reasonable. He told me that he himself is in therapy, has been for a while, and plans to be for the foreseeable future. He said that he thinks life is hard and if you feel like you need support then go get support. I am going to take this as being welcome for as long as I'd like to stay and continue working. I haven't managed to scare him off yet. I'm still worried that eventually I will but even if he gave me a very earnest soliloquy about why that wouldn't happen, I don't think I'd believe him. There's too much he doesn't know yet to be able to say that to me and know what he's committing to. He also hasn't dealt with "going to work" me yet so he has no idea how much dysfunction I really have under normal conditions. Some of it may be gone due to the work I've been doing in therapy but I doubt I'll be doing all that well out in the real world. But at least I know he's not going to be sitting there thinking that I am taking too long. That helps a bit.