Sadielady3's Diary

Sadielady3

Confident
I've been continuing to process the idea that I have these damaged parts running amok in my mind. From what I understand, people with damaged parts are on a spectrum. While I'm fairly certain I don't have full blown alters, as I read more and listen to more, I'm positive that I do have at least one traumatized part. I've often wondered why I hate myself as much as I do. Other people seem to like and accept me as I am. I've always felt like it's because they don't really know me. I've always felt like there's something heinous and wrong with me down deep that other people don't seem to see.

Looking through my journal, I've described the journey since October as being a war inside my head between the logical/rational side of me and the emotional/irrational side of me. Even friends have commented that they are dealing with "irrational brain" when I'm working up over minor things. I'll even know the issue is minor but can't seem to reason my way out of the reaction. It also explains the strange presentation of my transference with my therapist. Rational me recognizes him as a great therapist- I think he's intelligent, kind, and helpful. I like many aspects of his personality. I don't really ever feel judged or unwelcome. Rational me genuinely likes him. I think that some traumatized part or parts (not really sure what all is floating around in there) has the transference. That part is deeply fearful. That part gets angry when he's nice to me in any way. This may be related to not really clicking with a lot of therapists- they tend to be sunshine and rainbows, spouting off positive nothings like "You are worthy" or "You are a good person". I always want to ask them, "Why do you say that? You don't even know me! Stop lying and stop trying to brainwash me." But my current therapist doesn't do that stuff. He's kind and supportive without seeming overly cheerful or fake. I feel very seen and heard. So while this scares the hell out of that part of me, at the same time, it's the thing that that part of me has really longed for for a long time. From what I've read, I have to learn to love and accept that part of me- that's where the healing comes from.

I always thought it was weird that I realized that I have trauma at the same time that the transference was obvious to me. But maybe it was that part waking up a bit and being less buried that made those feelings come through. I have no idea how that works. I do know that the transference comes and goes. Usually, once I've been in session for about five to ten minutes, I calm down and can be rational and logical again. I don't really know, to be honest.
 

Sadielady3

Confident
There are some hard truths in life that are hard to ignore. In truth, in terms of the world itself, I do not matter. The world would carry on just fine without me. I'd like to think I matter to those around me but I also know that their lives would continue on without me. I doubt that 100 years from now that anything I did during my lifetime will matter much in the world, if at all.

I think I'm just tired these days. I'm burning out on this job of mine. I sincerely hope I still have some passion for it once we have returned to the school buildings. I'm also worried about therapy again. New stuff keeps coming up. In truth, it's not new stuff, just putting a name to stuff that was always there. I don't think I'm actually developing new symptoms or even unknown symptoms. It's easy for me to accept the concept that I have traumatized parts because they've always been there, I just didn't see them before. This whole process has made me wonder what else is true for me that I don't have the knowledge or self-awareness to know. This is what I signed up for this time with therapy. This time has been incredibly different. I honestly think it has less to do with my T (although I do think he's part of the equation) and more to do with me reaching this point where I genuinely wanted to work on myself. Life wasn't going so well and I was losing the battle by ignoring it.

Still, I can't help but wonder what else is true for me that I am blissfully unaware of and at what point do I become too much for my current T? At what point are my chances of recovery dismal at best? I still think the best diagnosis for me is C-PTSD and the prognosis for genuine healing isn't great for that but what if it's something even more serious (and I think C-PTSD is pretty serious).

My dark thoughts have always centered around hopelessness. I am trying to fight it and just live in this moment and take things step by step. But anxiety is my oldest, closest, and most toxic companion. And I keep feeling like I'm making up all of this trauma, despite having lots of symptoms of the aftermath of trauma and having had people from my past confirm that my childhood was awful. Maybe I just want to deny, I don't know. Lots of feelings lately that I'm not 100% what to make of.
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
I'm sorry your on that roller coaster Sadie. Many people feel that way when they, like you. lookup and say, I might need some help with 'this'. And then finding out 'this' is more detailed than you could have ever imagined.

And we all have damaged parts. That's why we are here. I've been in some kind of therapy most of my life. But I still had a few surprises along the way.

It's not going to be so complicated your T can't handle it. You have things you have to work out. Look at. Heal. And having cPTSD is not a death sentence. It is a label to help a therapist know which direction to go.

You've done great so far when it comes down to doing what you have to do. Remind yourself of that. You got this Sadie!!
 

Sadielady3

Confident
@ladee , I know. It's just been hard realizing that I wasn't born this way. Anxiety and depression and my many avoidance behaviors aren't in my DNA. Remembering all of the things and being able to rationally make the connection is one thing but accepting that I will need to go through a lot of pain (because growth is painful) because of someone's else dysfunction and inability to love me is really hard. I didn't know these things a year ago. I just thought I had a chemical imbalance. And I do have a chemical imbalance. And it may not be my fault but it is my problem. I have no intention of giving up on the journey. I've just started feeling more resentful and angry about the journey.
 

Sadielady3

Confident
Went to my T's group tonight. When I got there, I was the only person there so I turned my camera off and just chilled. Some people came on and started chatting. They seemed a lot happier than usual so I felt unwelcome somehow. So, I never turned my camera back on.

Tonight's topic was on cognitive distortions. Seems appropriate, since I was probably having one at the very beginning of the session. The group had some really good discussions on some things. I didn't speak up at all. I doubt most people knew I was there. I just felt more comfortable being invisible. About fifteen minutes before the end of group, my T sent me an email asking if I was okay. I didn't respond. I didn't really know what to say. He shouldn't have to deal with my crap. I'm 40 years old. I shouldn't need my hand held. A part of me wanted to tell him I was in a really bad place mentally and a part of me wanted to lie and tell him I was fine. The war on this dead issue is still on going. But I never responded. It's not fair for me to ask for help with things I should be able to handle. He won't remember by tomorrow anyway whereas if I bugged him about my anxiety and panic levels, I created more work for him today. Seems best not to answer.
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
I'm sorry you are feeling so down on yourself Sadie. He asked an honest question. Possibly you could email him and tell him you'll talk about it next session. Not answering is your choice of course, but it seems avoidant and disrespectful to him Just my two cents.

Hope you are feeling better soon. And that is why he is there to help you.
 

Sadielady3

Confident
@ladee , I know he is. I know I should tell him. But I know some of this is the fear that he's going to turf me out any day now. Don't need to act up and give him more reasons to get rid of me. I know it's irrational but that's where I'm at. Hopefully by group on Thursday I'll be feeling better.
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
And Sadie he cant help you if he doesnt know whats going on.
I know you are being overwhelmed right now. Part of doing EMDR.
Just wishing you success and for you to have the power to give yourself permission to be ok with needing help.
No one can take that away from you. Ever. It is the road to freedom.
Sending hugs of understanding.
 

ruborcoraxxx

MyPTSD Pro
I don't know if it helps, but I have a story that I use to make myself answer in these cases.

My mom had a very good friend she loved. When she came back to Latin America after having been badly abused by my stepdad, she received an email from that friend asking for news. She didn't have the courage to answer because she was in the shameful aftermath of that relationship.

Since then, every year, that friend writes "I really appreciate our friendship and it's okay if you don't want to answer. But be reminded I'm here for you, if you want to."

And the more time passed, the less my mom found herself capable of answering. I know she would like to. But she can't bring herself to do it.

Put this aside if it doesn't help. But this story has helped me to reason myself back in reasonable responses regarding to these things. And understanding that it becomes more difficult as time passes.
 

Sadielady3

Confident
@ruborcoraxxx , thank you for this. As I went to sleep last night, I was deeply sad and ashamed at not responding. I know my T cares and is trying to take care of me. I even rationally know that he can't help me if I don't tell him. I talked to my friend L last night about this as it was bothering me and she laughed at the fact that she gets to see the irrational side of my brain and she is not a qualified professional and I hide the irrational part of my brain from the professional who needs to know and who could actually help me. But, as you said, the more time that passes, the harder it is to talk about.

My T hasn't seen most of my dysfunction. I've been aware for some time now that I keep taking the rational, logical part of me to therapy and that's not the part that needs to go. My rational, reasonably well-functioning part or parts, don't need to heal and don't need support. But now I've formed this relationship with my T where he seems to like me and respect me and I feel very scared to be that vulnerable. I know it's irrational but it's hard to want to show flaws to someone when I think it might ruin the good relationship we have. I view that relationship as fragile. I get that it's therapy and we're not friends and I'm not there to be liked. I can see all of the reasons to tell him and show him what's going on. I know this is where I am failing in treatment. I get all of that. Yet, this overwhelming fear comes over me when it comes time to be more open and the only way I have to cope with this is to hide that part of me. Friends see it easily because it comes out in every day life but therapy doesn't trigger it normally and it's easy to remain fairly calm and rational. Since he'll never see that dysfunction organically (although last night he sort of did, I suppose), it comes down to my bravery. I'm just not that brave.
 

Sadielady3

Confident
So I went to the new group my T has today. There were five of us so no bonus session. I did keep my camera on. We talked about the basics of CBT and strategies to deal with anxiety and panic. One of the people said that she has trouble remembering her strategies when she's actually panicked. I talked about my coping box. My T commented that I had never shown him the box, despite talking about it a couple of months ago. He asked to see it. I showed off my masterpiece in gathering nonsense into one container. He actually thought it was awesome. He was also baiting me during the session to try to get me to talk. He got a dirty look from me a couple of times but I don't think that he saw that. Knowing him, if he did see it, it probably amused him anyway.

I'm still dreading tomorrow. Considering replying to his email now because I don't want to talk about Tuesday tomorrow. Might be good to get out ahead of that.
 
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