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Sadielady3's Diary

I saw my T last Thursday and again this past Wednesday. Last week on Thursday, we did EMDR to process the event with the abusive nurse. I was left feeling shamed that I couldn't handle it on my own but still overall felt better after the session. When I saw him again on Wednesday, I told him how difficult I found the therapeutic relationship at times and he responded by talking about termination. He said that he didn't mean right now or even necessarily six months from now but that the discussion of termination should be occurring throughout therapy. Strange that he's never talked about it before I became unstable...

He thinks that maybe my next move is to do in-depth EMDR with someone else, presumably outside of my HMO where I could actually see the clinician more than twice per month. Maybe something else. He seemed to think that whatever it is the I should consider doing next is something he's just not able to offer me. I understand rationally what he's saying and that termination is a part of the therapy process but it hurts hearing it when I'm not doing well. I feel like he should have read the room and started that conversation when I was doing okay. Also, as much as I'd love to be able to afford someone to see on a weekly basis long term, my insurance will only cover the HMO's therapists, which can all only see me once per month. I don't have ~200 dollars per week to see someone. The husband creature and I have discussed cashing out my pension to pay for it because it will never be a real pension (not enough years in to be vested) and because going into the field my mental health is even more important than it would be otherwise, which is pretty damn important in the first place. I'm at a loss with this and am trying, and failing, not to obsess over it.
Today's Christmas wasn't the worst I've ever had nor was it the best. Not sure what Christmas I'd call the best though, to be honest. I don't really have happy memories about Christmas- it's a day filled with material objects and expectations. But I survived another one and that's what counts.

Tomorrow we're getting in the car, probably later than we originally planned to drive up to see my family. I wouldn't go except I want to see my nieces. However, this year will also be a short trip- we'll only be there for about two days. We'll be there tomorrow evening and Wednesday morning but only there for the whole day on Monday and Tuesday. This will probably serve my mental health well. We're also bringing Frodo and he serves as a good distraction. Hopefully I can get in and out without too much collateral damage. Especially since things are rocky with my T at the moment. I'm already depressed and anxious about that situation. Also, I'm bringing mom edibles. People had suggested that I take them to deal with her but I think giving her the edibles makes her more relaxed and bearable so it works better in that order. Fingers crossed that it will be a pleasant trip.