Recovery Trauma Diary

[DSkyler]

Hello
I've been on here a few days now. It's been a welcoming place. I've wanted to start a diary on here but have resisted until now. Do I deserve to write one, others have had it worse than you, people will criticize it, no one wants to hear about you, you should be over this by now. All these thoughts surface and I understand that many here will recognize them. That's a relief in itself.

The aim is to write each day, a few paragraphs. I'm 56. I've been dealing with trauma since day one of birth. When I was 22 I began to realise I was 'broken' inside. Part of me knew it was not my fault. And somehow I've had successes amid the struggles and on the surface done really well at some things.

But inside it's always been a struggle. I've had different bouts of therapy over the years most of which has been helpful fortunately. I have recently returned to therapy after a 17 year hiatus. It's back to EMDR, which was the last modality I was in with a therapist who had known me 20 years. That was in the UK. I've been in the US for 16 years and my new therapist is here. I now have resources and stable life, family and friends, to address the terror and confusion of my past and continue to rewire and reprocess.

The trigger was some annual bloodwork that showed I could have prostate cancer. Even though the numbers mean there is an 80% chance I'm fine (and even if not it's very early and treatment options are good and bode well), it plunged me back into the primal terror of panic and helplessness.

For several days after I had an exam and was told I'd need a biopsy, I felt like I may literally die and not make it through the next hour let alone that day. I knew I had to get back to EMDR and therapy before the biopsy or my stress levels would become unmanageable. I was lucky to find someone relatively close by who offered EMDR intensives as well as weekly. So that's begun, and the biopsy is next week, and I'm in a much more stable place and confident about facing whatever is to come as well as being able to see that the odds are on my side, and even if I'm in the 20% things will be ok. Apart from injuries I've never been ill (apart from the odd cold, stomach upset and coping with C-PTSD) and have looked after myself so it was a shock to get any abnormality in blood work.

So it is a relief to write this much so far.

I suffered birth trauma. It wasn't an easy birth. Then I was whisked immediately away to the local big hospital some 25 miles away. It was thought I may need a blood transfusion. I didn't. But I was in an incubator for 7-10 days. That's where the terror and abandonment and fear come in. I had physical abuse from family too. By the time I was double figures years old I'd been assaulted by double figures amount of people, mainly adults, but everyone I lived with.

I've been in and around healing and trauma through my professional life too, when I've not been struggling badly. Worst years were 23-38. So I've read a lot, experienced a lot, and am both amazed at resilience to get this far but also how pernicious and tough, and how bloody long, things take to get over at times. If I've learnt anything it's to keep on going, never give up, and hang on to what's good even if it seems overwhelmed by what's awful.

But enough for my first one or I will write my life story. And part of my fear I feel creeping up is that if I don't write it all now no one will be around to read or listen anymore. The initial abandonment and isolation trauma imprint has been huge, and I will get to rewire it completely this time instead of abandoning myself again.

It is good to be here on the site. There's so much kindness and bravery amid such terrible suffering people have endured. I'm hoping to get some relief from writing, and also hoping that I can add something helpful for others too.

D~

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

Do I deserve to write one

of course

others have had it worse than you

suffering is suffering, we all think everyone else is in deeper water, pretty much no matter what. but at the end of the day, age old parable, drowning is drowning and it doesn’t matter if the pool is shallow or the mariana trench. or if that feels a bit much to compare it to at the moment, treading water is treading water, eventually we’ll all get exhausted, calm waters or not.

people will criticize it, no one wants to hear about you

nope, it can be quiet in your diary but i’ve had people respond at surprising times, to what i often think is just my roundabout sob story.

you should be over this by now

if only it were that easy, we’d all be out of here

All these thoughts surface and I understand that many here will recognize them. That's a relief in itself.

absolutely, pretty textbook trauma mantra, not to devalue what you’re saying and how you feel of course. it’s tough but i hope through your schedule those thoughts can feel a bit less overbearing.



in my experience of lifelong trauma and lifelong therapy (mine’s shorter than yours, don’t worry), finding a good T is almost half the battle, and having the energy to look, too. really empathise with that but i hope you can get a more even footing with who you’re at right now.
trauma therapy is pretty gruelling. worth it but as you probably already know, opening those boxes isn’t fun. that’s where i find here so useful, helps me get my head around my sessions/the aftermath of them, and sees me through til the next one. one part recovery and one part supplementation.
hope you can use your diary to help with the chaos too

 

[DSkyler]

in my experience of lifelong trauma and lifelong therapy (mine’s shorter than yours, don’t worry), finding a good T is almost half the battle, and having the energy to look, too. really empathise with that but i hope you can get a more even footing with who you’re at right now.
trauma therapy is pretty gruelling. worth it but as you probably already know, opening those boxes isn’t fun. that’s where i find here so useful, helps me get my head around my sessions/the aftermath of them, and sees me through til the next one. one part recovery and one part supplementation.
hope you can use your diary to help with the chaos too

thanks for your detailed reply. It's really helpful. I’m sure writing something daily will be useful too. I’m lucky with a good T. I knew what I was looking for and what I needed. But to find one close and who altered their schedule to get me in ASAP for three intensives was a life saver. They understood where I was at and made it work. Best wishes to you.

 

[DSkyler]

Day 2 of the diary. Yesterday I had an online EMDR therapy session with my new therapist. We've three in person meetings, one 2 hour and two 3 hour sessions to get things underway. I'm lucky-they are good, and I like their energy. I've been around therapy enough to know it's limitations but also the major changes it can bring.

I'm looking forward to not abandoning myself or leaving early. I have the resources both in terms of finance and life situation to follow this through. That brings tears of relief. As my initial trauma imprint was one of being taken away and helpless isolation and abandonment. I've always had that fear lurking in the background, and I've left many situations in the past before that unknown abandonment would take me away. I think it gave me some semblance of control. But I was never in danger in those situations outside of my birth and childhood.

We always start the session with looking at the worst memory. For me it is always the isolation of the incubator but the terror of being taken away and no one listening to me has no jumped to the front of the line. I'm happy my therapist has lots of experience with pre-verbal trauma and understands we are getting to know the new born locked in life or death panic. And with EMDR I can systematically rewire and reprocess so the feelings get less intense and I'm in a capable and safe 56 year old body.

There's always many other emotions that come up. Sadness is alway huge. That my poor little infant body went through it, that my system has been so broken it's wasted so much time and energy just to stay afloat. Anger too-and frustration.

I found the article on Cognitive Distortion on here. Going through all 10 I recognize myself in all. Some to greater or lesser extents, and can start to tell when they come up. The bilateral beeps in my headphones stop the overwhelm. Calm my system. Always trying to get back to neutral and homeostasis. Peace.

I have further to go that I would like, but I'm confident that things will continue to improve as I can now hang on to the positives more, have more tools in my tool kit. And the different areas of my brain can now communicate instead of being isolated.

Thankful for a place to write where I know people will get it. And I can stop worrying about if what I write is interesting or if I should be sharing at all.

 

[DSkyler]

Day 3.
I know some core negative beliefs I have are that I have to be in panic mode, that I am repulsive and unloveable, that danger is all around, and I'm worthless. That's not the complete list. And all these are on a sliding scale and not present all the time.

One of the best things for me about EMDR and reprocessing is not only being able to dial down the overwhelm and readdress painful memories, but also to be able to let the good memories and good experiences take up space in my brain and memory and have power there along with the negative ones.

I can feel the experiences that were on the other end of the continuum. Where I was loved, where I did feel value and worth, when I wasn't in danger, when I wasn't rejected. When I had peace and like now when I do have peace and all I need and I am loved and respected by family and friends. I can let that in now.

It's been a long journey of decades struggle and I'm not going to abandon myself, or stop the large amount of work that's still needed. That's why I have to show up and write this diary each day.

I wake up and the first thing I do is tell myself 'it's over'-in that I am not in an incubator, no one is going to hit me or take me away, and that I'm ok.

In the last few months I've come to accept I suffer from the problems of C-PTSD and see it as a physiological injury bought about by my past environment. So I have tools that help fix these, and just like if I had a sore throat or broken arm, I can do practical things to help heal and fix it. I am no longer helpless and paralyzed, which for so long was my pre-conscious default operating system. I use my neurotic EMDR hand buzzers for ten to fifteen minutes to get my brain settled and 'win the day' from the start the best I can. Of course it's not all plain sailing. But at least I feel I'm in charge of the ship now.

I feel guilty for having daily improvement in my life. More distorted thinking. Somewhere amid the pain I've always loved life and been happy in myself somehow. But have crushed and hidden it. This is something I want to change more and more so it is no longer an issue. Fear and guilt rob us of time and energy, our two most precious resources.

I love being here despite all that has happened and all the existential angst, loneliness and needing the support of the Samaritans organization to keep me here at two dark times of my life.

Thanks to this site for being here. Best wishes to all

D~

 

[DSkyler]

Day 4
The temptation is to avoid writing. To ignore myself and push everything down. Sometimes the emptiness and loneliness of the past threatens to overwhelm and I have to take deep breaths, do some EFT tapping or exercise to bring me into the present.

Even the process of writing this grounds me a little and brings some relief. I’m aware how cautious I am with sentences, as if I could get this diary ‘wrong’ and be laughed at or dismissed. Or ignored as if I never existed.

The sadness and emptiness of growing up in a household with slaps, clips on the head, and reprimands and the smack on the buttocks had me constantly on edge. I was already a mess from my birth and incubator experience. No one understood how in terrible pain and fear I was each day. How much energy it too to repress the feelings, to stop panic attacks from crashing my system. The violence compounded it. Elevated my PTSD to CPTSD probably.

I spend time each day with my EMDR buzzers to keep my brain constantly talking to itself and not splitting off or dissociating. The more I accept I am damaged the more I can help myself. It’s heartbreaking to realise some of the stuff that happened that caused me to be how I am and how I have lived. And how pernicious PTSD is in that it keeps you avoiding what you need or what is good for you.

I feel guilt for surviving, guilt for suffering, guilt and stupidity for not being able to control my brain and work out I’m no longer in danger. But at least I recognize what I’m thinking and feeling and have some tools to diffuse them. I am no longer helpless. Bit by bit these crippling distortions will be processed.

I’m glad I wrote and didn’t avoid myself. Best wishes

D~

 

[DSkyler]

Day 5
Lots of feelings and overwhelm. I am here. I deserve to be here. Bored and fed up with being this way. Progress is being made but just hate what happened to me and how it made me. Damage done and now being repaired. But what an effort.

Lucky unlucky lucky unlucky. Uggh.

Existential angst and invisibility feelings battling with good feelings and experiences. I do not want internal war anymore.

I nearly died. Of that I know. But I am here and want to be here. Just not in this state.

Blank horizon. Change here. Slower than desired. But bit by bit. Small changes small habits like writing here despite thinking what’s the point. I am the point. My life is the point. I am no longer helpless or stuck with awful people who mistreated my small frame and soul.

Peace is possible for I’ve had moments and glimmers of it. Get this brain and limbic system in normal working order.

I like reframing that I’m normal. That how I’ve coped and managed has been a normal response to what happened to me. That what I endured was the abnormal thing and I had little option how to survive, no matter how dysfunctional it seemed. That my problems and dysfunction are normal adaptations in order to cope.

I nearly didn’t write today as feelings pushed me to avoid. Tired of avoiding. Takes more effort that pursuing change.

Best wishes
D~

 

[DSkyler]

Day 6
Tomorrow I have my biopsy. When I was told I needed one I was plunged into primal life or death chaos. I went back to EMDR and therapy. Whatever the outcome of this, and odds are in my favor of 80% being fine, i feel on an even keel to deal with it.

I am tired of suffering with CPTSD though. 3 steps forward and 2.5 steps back. At least momentum is forward.

Don’t feel like writing anymore today. Anymore would feel an obligation, a stimulus outside of myself rather than me knowing this is enough for today. So that feels mike progress too

D~

 

[DSkyler]

Day7
Biopsy day. It’s early. I’m tired but relatively calm. I use bilateral beeps youtube video. This helps calm and dona little reprocessing. Keeps me in the present and helps with distorted emotional reasoning.

Here’s to a good a day as it can be

 

[DSkyler]

Day8
Procedure went smoothly. I dread to think how my experience would have been without the intensive EMDR sessions I’ve had in the last few weeks. Now to wait 10 days for results and follow up.

Last month has seen big changes in how my system is wired. Also realizations about how damaged and limited and delusional my life has been for large percentages.

It’s still difficult and terrifying to come to terms with how fearful it was living in the shadow of accepted violence. On top of near deadly birth and separation trauma too.

I know I’m safe and in a loving family now. I can separate the past from present most days now. I wish I could do EMDR every day until I’ve reprocessed everything.

At least I’m aware not to abandon myself through it now too.

D~

 

[DSkyler]

Day9
Empty void left by a childhood of isolation. False self constructed to survive. Hyper vigilance, core of vacant self worth. Just scared lonely. Now able to reassess and reprogram but its demoralizing and overwhelming to constantly realize how my life has been. No wonder I lived in a closed down fantasy land.

I’m accepting more, day by day, how much I was damaged and how my brain misfires. I can use acupressure points, EFT and EMDR as ways to diffuse stress and dissociation. I have to make sure the day is self care and healing and keeping on trying not to slip into helplessness or acting like I shouldn’t do things for self help and care and healing, that for some reason I should limit the ‘good’ I provide for myself.

There’s no one telling me to not care for myself. Those internalized voices and beliefs are strong at times. Especially that life is not right unless I am struggling. That I’m not allowed peace and happiness. Crippling realizations. Bored and frustrated by it all. Tears of frustration and relief and just despair still come.

I am not helpless. I am lucky to have had enough competent and successful parts to find a way out. Currently becoming more aware of the size of the damage which it seems I’ve been dealing with forever. At least the rewiring is now ongoing and daily instead of sporadic and also abandonment.

Best wishes to all
D~

 

[DSkyler]

Day 10

Overwhelmed by uncertainty and confused by much today. Feeling pinned down and helpless. Silent screams and isolation. I’ve had enough of being this way. How can the past haunt the present so profoundly? How cam shadows of events that were not my fault still bring darkness to the light I’ve tried so hard to cultivate?

Each existence longs only to live and to be at peace. We come into a world through chance and luck plays the biggest part of how we land and who we end up with as vulnerable defenseless creatures.

I try to censor my words constantly as if the wrong ones can bring suffering. Each day I feel insignificant and seek to avoid writing here yet feel relief when I do write.

I hate what happened to me and how it fried my brain. I am grabbing what chance I have to heal and not giving up on myself despite the tidal wave of fear that threatens to engulf me still on a daily level.

My poor new born infant body, screaming all alone. I can’t stop crying now. I’m glad writing has opened up a seam of hurt I can feel and expel and not repress.

Thank goodness for the kindness and drive of humans who want to help others and who develop therapies to help heal and who are there and understand. Thank goodness I didn’t give up on myself despite everything.

Thanks to this forum for being here. Writing when I get up brings me back to myself. Even if difficult.

D~