Sadielady3's Diary

[Sadielady3]

I think my brain is broken. I'm trying to work through too much all at once. Major career changes with big decisions that I have no idea how to make, processing new really difficult memories, and being buried under a mountain of work. It's all too much at the moment.

I had my T's CBT group today. I was so out of it, I couldn't really talk. My T noticed. We spoke briefly after group was over. L told me I should go because I was having trouble forming sentences today. My T made me commit to a safety plan and is going to call me tomorrow. I told him I didn't feel suicidal at all and that he really doesn't need to call me. He said that it's his job to do so. I don't really feel anything at the moment. I'm completely numbed out. Occasionally I'll get a thought popping across my brain tell me that I feel sad or that I feel guilty or whatever but I don't actually feel it, I think it. I have no idea what this means. I feel ambivalent. I almost crashed driving home several times. I would all of a sudden realize that I was about to hit the car in front of me and slam on the brakes. I still felt nothing. My body reacted though. I could feel my racing heartbeat and rapid breathing but didn't actually feel anything. I honestly don't know what to think.

My T wants me to stay home tomorrow but I doubt I will. He says that it's not safe for me to drive and he's worried I'll hurt someone. I just have too much to do.

 

[internal]

i do not think your brain is broken. it sounds like you are dissociating a lot. i agree with your therapist that when things like this interfere with your ability to drive safely you should avoid getting behind the wheel. these feelings or lack thereof will pass. i would encourage you to assure you do not get yourself or someone else into a situation that you may hold lifelong regret over as a result.

 

[Sadielady3]

I did not go to work today. My husband convinced me to stay home. Plus, I generally do listen to my therapist, even though I think sometimes that he doesn't think that I do. I am working from home today but my first class was a bit of a mess because my brain is not cooperating with teaching today. My thoughts are going haywire because I know that I should be at work but luckily, I don't actually feel guilty.

 

[Sadielady3]

I haven't been sleeping much over the past week. A couple of hours here and there but no real solid night's sleep. My body hurts and my brain isn't working well at all. Just the thought of having to go to work on Monday has me in a panic so severe that a part of me wants to die rather than go.

My T called me to check in yesterday. I assured him I was safe. I'm really trying to be. I can't find my husband today. I have no idea where he went. I figured that assuring my T that I am safe would satisfy him. It did not. He knows about the work distress stuff but he doesn't know that this started with the new memories from EMDR. I'm just not ready to acknowledge them out loud. I know it changes nothing. The memories explain so much about things that I do and struggle with. I'm safe now. Nothing changes. But I just so deeply don't want them to be true that I just keep trying to ignore them and hope that I can believe that these things didn't happen to me.

I don't know if I'm at the point where I should be heading to the hospital. I wish my husband was home so that I can talk to him about it. He might be more equipped at this point to make the decision than I am. My brain just isn't working right at the moment. But I promised my T that I would be safe and I don't want to break my promise. Hopefully the husband creature will be home soon.

 

[Survivor3]

Hi @Sadielady3 is it possible to maybe ask your doctor for sleeping meds. Even if it's just for a while?

 

[Sadielady3]

@Survivor3 My psychiatrist reached out to me yesterday to ask if I needed something. I hate the idea of taking sleeping medication for a number of reasons. I may have reached a point now where I am willing to try it. Unfortunately, it's now the weekend.

 

[Survivor3]

@Survivor3 My psychiatrist reached out to me yesterday to ask if I needed something. I hate the idea of taking sleeping medication for a number of reasons. I may have reached a point now where I am willing to try it. Unfortunately, it's now the weekend.

yeah I understand your trepidation (if that's the right word)! But it might be useful short term until the problem is better addressed. Best wishes.

 

[Sadielady3]

Took a little trip to Urgent Care today. Didn't get too many answers but the doc there did think that the dizziness might be related to a calcium build up in my inner ear. They ran some blood tests, did a head CT, and the doc asked a thousand questions. The manipulations he did to me did seem to help some of the dizziness. However, he noted some other symptoms that he doesn't have answers for. So, because I should not be driving until things are better explained, I have the week off from work. This has eased my anxiety a bit. That may be a reason I am feeling better also.

I see the psychiatrist on Monday. Luckily, my regular appointment that I do every three months happens to be in the middle of this. Great timing on that. She's always available by email but an actual appointment is, of course, better. I see my PCP on Thursday afternoon. The Urgent Care doc thinks my problem is psychiatric or neurological. If my PCP wants to send me to a neurologist before letting me go back to school, it will knock out the rest of the school year for me. Honestly, if this happens, I will be looking for a new job ASAP. I am hoping to find something that pays well enough to pay the bills and get the heck out of there. I'm at least 80% sure these symptoms are work related stress. Sure, the EMDR is kicking stuff up too but this has happened before due to work related stress when I had never even heard of EMDR. That job really is killing me.

 

[internal]

I have the week off from work. This has eased my anxiety a bit. That may be a reason I am feeling better also.

glad to hear that you are feeling better and that you have gotten some answers for what is occurring with you!

 

[Sadielady3]

@grief Yeah. They ruled out a brain tumor due to the CT scan, which is comforting. However, I am twitchy with notable muscle spasms. Lots of shaking right now. This could all be stress related or it could be neurological. I'd actually like to rule out a neurological problem to make sure that it's psychiatric since there aren't as many definitive tests in psychology. I don't want to assume over and over again that my crazy is to blame for everything always.

 

[internal]

This could all be stress related or it could be neurological.

unfortunately challenging aspect of neurology and psychiatry combined. the brain can make your body do some incredible things. whatever the concern may be i am grateful for you that it was not a brain tumor. that must have been very scary to have experienced that possibility.

 

[Sadielady3]

@grief It was not presented as a real possibility, only something that they wanted to rule out easily at Urgent Care because it was something that they could do. It also started the process for a neurologist to have a CT scan already done in advance. It started the neurology process. I wasn't actually that nervous about it but with how things have been going, it's good to know that there isn't some weird thing growing in there that shouldn't be.