Sadielady3's Diary

[coraxxx]

What a mess. I hate schedules too @Sadielady3 . I always manage to interpret them as ah, actually, I shouldn’t go… But the thing is, in the hesitation, assuming the premise to be positive (you’re in) rather than negative (you’re out) is adopting the trusting bias. A priori, things are supposed to go well… And even if you’re wrong and misunderstood, on the basis of this misunderstanding you find your way through what you need. Would you feel guilty to have the impression you’re sneaking in? Humans and therapists are fallible. Your feeling that something might be slightly off with that T might well come from something real. The sign of something. But it might not be what you’re concluding to think.

So many times I "sensed" these things and paranoidly I made it bigger than what it was. But always, there was something else brewing, and that something else was in the blind spot of my worries. Most of the times things that are not on our concern. Hypervigilance is a f*cking bitch that likes to walk with her jappy friend paranoia, but still it’s potent to detect the slightest things. When it happens to me I try to visualize it as pins on a map. They don’t mean anything yet. And I try not to start linking the red wires to my own pins. Suspension of judgement. Sooner or later something will happen that will give better explanations.

To my reading it sounds like you’re lacking the figure of a mentor or someone who’s there to coach you towards what you want and positively reinforce you. It’s different from a therapist.

 

[Sadielady3]

To my reading it sounds like you’re lacking the figure of a mentor or someone who’s there to coach you towards what you want and positively reinforce you. It’s different from a therapist.

This is true. And now that you mention it, when I was in college, my therapist (whom I adored) was more of a mentor to me than he was a therapist. Because that therapist did help me to stay mentally stable, more or less, I guess I've been trying to put current T in that relationship. To be clear, he hasn't really let me do that but I might be trying. I'm definitely looking for that with the BHT. The relationship started with career coaching so I think that made it easy to turn it into a mentoring situation, instead of a therapeutic one. Especially given I want to become a therapist.

And scheduling is one of my T's weak points. I've run into this with him before. I should know better than to let his disorganization get to me like this, especially since he has specifically addressed it and outright told me that I am always welcome. This is trauma brain and I know it.

 

[Sadielady3]

Went to group today and I think I talked too much. Also, my T seemed to click with another one of his patients in a way that he's never clicked with me. So now I have a lot of feelings. *Sigh* I think it's been good to have my T as my group therapist as it has helped grow the relationship but I might not do as well with having to acknowledge that he likes other people more than me. Damn you transference!

I did manage to get my administrator to get his letter of recommendation done for me today and he submitted it and everything! Yay! It was a glowing letter too. Made me tear up. I still think I may be too crazy to be a therapist but everyone is cheering me on anyways. They think I'll be great. I just have this sinking feeling that I'm fooling everyone. Trauma brain sucks.

My BHT still hasn't gotten in touch about rescheduling. She initially asked me about rescheduling this week and I told her not to worry about it. But I also don't even have an appointment for next week. I am wondering if she gets paid just for having me listed as her patient without having to provide any services. Unless something drastic changes, I plan on canceling in two weeks. Maybe it was enough that she helped me sort out the career stuff. I was worried I only wanted to go into mental health to impress or please my T. I feel relatively secure in the thought that I really do want to do this. I am 100% sure I need to escape from teaching. I'll find something else to do even if being a therapist ends up not being it. But I just hope that I finally got this right.

 

[Sadielady3]

Friday was an interesting day. I went over to a local deli to pick up lunch for me, L, and another teacher and ran into three social studies teachers from the main building. One of them was the head of the social studies department. He apologized to me for getting stuck with S for the last few years and told me that he had advocated to have S moved out of the annex and over to the main building on my behalf. I asked him how he knew what was going on and he said that he knows everything that goes on in the buildings. However, the other two social studies teachers said that they knew as well. Apparently, it was the worst kept secret in the school.

After lunch, I had my meeting with the principal. I told him I wanted to move over to be a general education teacher. He said that I am too amazing in my current role and I'd be really difficult to replace. So, if I desire to move into a general education position, I guess I really will have to transfer out of the school. I then made it clear that I didn't want to work with S anymore. He told me that he couldn't promise anything but that he thought it would be really unlikely that we'd work together next year. After school, I jokingly yelled at J for making me sound good at my job. He grinned and said that I really am a lot better than I think I am. He still thinks being a therapist is my true calling but wants to keep me in my current position for as long as possible. I mentioned the part about working with S again next year and he said that he will make sure it doesn't happen.

I've been feeling dizzy and weak all day today. I think my anxiety is super high right now. I'm worried about grad school. One of my recommenders has not completed her letter. I asked her back on April 11. It's now May 8. I know she's busy and I'm not trying to rush her but her letter is the last thing I need. The official transcripts are on the way to my first choice in schools, the other two letters are done and uploaded, my personal statement is done, and the rest of the things I needed to fill out are submitted. If I can get into this program, and people think that I will have no problem getting in, I can accept the offer and start looking for scholarships. I can't look for free money until I'm officially on the books with a university. I don't think I'll find that much money, in truth, but I would like to try.

I'm also stressing about therapy. I see my BHT tomorrow afternoon. I'm back to feeling like it's not fair for me to stay with my current T because he shouldn't have to work with me. I'm fairly certain it's the transference. Maybe it has a bigger effect on me when my anxiety is ridiculously high. Every time I see him interact with someone else and see his obvious chemistry with his other patients that he doesn't have with me I feel bad. I wish he liked me as much as he likes them. It's really hard for me to impose on people. I have nothing more to offer him to make up for it. I keep thinking about doing EMDR on my own and requesting to switch therapists with my HMO. I'm not sure how safe that is but it might be the best solution. Then he wouldn't have to deal with my crazy ass anymore.

 

[Sadielady3]

I'm thinking about leaving X's group. X is getting to the point where he's talking for longer and longer. He went 35 whole minutes tonight on a speech. That wasn't the only one either. I can always go back if I need to but honestly, overall, I'm doing much better than I was a year ago and a year ago, I only had one group every other week. Summer vacation is coming up and that's always a lower stress time for me as well. Additionally, no matter where I wind up going to school, it's unlikely I'll have time for three therapy groups anymore. Granted, I don't know which group I may be able to make work in my schedule yet but I can always go back if that's the one that will fit. At some point, I have to start doing less therapy.

In truth, the husband creature and I may need to look at our health care plan in the fall and switch to the other insurance offered by my job where I can go to weekly therapy for a ten dollar co-pay. A lot of counseling programs have an aspect of personal therapy included in them as well. No decisions need to be made right now but it doesn't hurt to keep it in mind as I move forward.

I talked to BHT yesterday about the transference issues. She told me that the transference will end when I am ready to look to myself as the authority figure in my life and can see my T as just a guy who helps me. I rationally know this, I told her, but my feelings don't seem to be there. I don't know if EMDR will help me to let go of looking for approval as much for others or if this is a thing I may need to put some work into after EMDR. I know that this is a recurring pattern in my life. L and I discussed it today and she sees me doing it too at work. Of course, L is typically the one I look to for approval. It's one of the reasons teaching is so stressful for me- nearly impossible to get a seal of approval on anything. The job is so unwieldy that there will always be something I didn't do and something that causes me shame. Not saying being a therapist will be loads different but I do think the job is less insane overall. It will also include more of what I do like in helping others. Education is such a broken system. Health care is too but has a better chance at improving than education does.

Still waiting on that letter of recommendation. Hopefully my friend will be able to do it relatively soon.

 

[Sadielady3]

Spoke to my friend about the recommendation letter today. She said she'll get it done by Friday. Things can't always move at my pace and I need to be patient. It's a bit trickier now though because I did get accepted into Pepperdine. This is cool but as I was speaking to the admission person I learned that I somehow had the price of the program wrong. Turns out, the total cost for that program is over 100k. It's also not CACREP accredited meaning that I might not be eligible for licensure in my state. Additionally, the classes are live Zoom sessions and can go as late as midnight my time, which could be a struggle. Also, the fine print in the contract states that they can place me up to 150 miles away from where I live for my internship. It even states that I may need to relocate at my own expense. I may need to re-evaluate this path in life if this is the only school I get into and do some real soul searching on this. It's not that I don't think I can get into other programs, only that I haven't yet. They want an answer by the 20th though. I may or may not have a decision from my other schools by then, especially since I am hung up on the recommendation letter.

I had my T's group last night and it was exactly the topic I needed. It was all about how stressful change is. Yes, the grad school stuff is a positive change but it has been so stressful that I'm getting dizzy at times. It was a good reminder that being stressed and anxious is not necessarily a sign that I'm heading in the wrong direction, only that big changes are happening. I found it comforting.

I had my session with my BHT today. She and I discussed grad school some more and she even offered to write me a letter of recommendation. I'm a little uncomfortable with that but if push comes to shove... I don't plan on working with her too much longer, maybe one more month. I just think of her too much like a friend I think. Granted, it's the relationship I've needed during this process but I don't plan on paying for a friend long term. Her knowledge of the field has made her more valuable than a regular friend though. Hopefully, this whole process of getting into a school will be over in the next week or so.

 

[Sadielady3]

Dear Josh,

I don't really remember the last time I saw you. I know it's been at least seventeen years now, maybe longer. You've been dead for over seven years. But there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about you. You changed me and changed my life forever. I doubt I can forget you completely but I'm starting to think about you a lot less. I am better for that.

You were sick. You ultimately chose to end your life. I remember how angry I have been at you for that. How dare you get to take the easy way out after breaking me and forcing me to live with the results of your mental illness. I've spent so much time in therapy talking about you and reliving our past. Those times were never far from my mind. You took advantage of the woman who was broken and friendless. You knew I had no one. How easy it must have been to not even have to work at isolating me from others.

Every body slam into walls, every slash with the razor, every time you cheated on me, every time you raped me- all of those times still live vividly in my mind. I still have the scars from where you cut me that I can see in the mirror. For years, if I got into a fight with a boyfriend, I would put my hands up defensively if they took a step towards me. You created such a deep fear inside of me that I avoided dating for years. I was lucky though. I found a good and gentle man and live a happy life with him. In the end, you couldn't break me enough to end my life.

You took my ability to have children away from me. I never wanted kids but you had no right to take that choice away from me. You chose to repeatedly rape me until I got pregnant. Then you chose to throw me down a flight of stairs and do God only knows whatever else to me when I was unconscious. You may have appeared to be a hero because you ultimately called 911 and saved my life after I stopped breathing but in your soul, you know the truth of what happened. You were responsible for everything. I refuse to take any of the blame anymore because I didn't do anything wrong.

You having bipolar disorder, possibly some psychosis in there, may explain your actions but it doesn't excuse them. You are responsible for your actions. I never did a single thing to harm you. I didn't deserve what happened. There isn't a person on earth who would have deserved the hell you put me through. Little by little, I have spent time processing my memories of you and I'm ready to let you go. I forgive you, not because you deserve forgiveness but because hanging on to the grief and shame that you caused me isn't fair to me.

In the end, I won. I'm still here and you're rotting in the ground. You never found peace or happiness. I'm still working on it but I am on the right road to get there someday, whatever that actually looks like for me. A part of me wishes you were still alive so that I could ask you why you did those things to me but sadly, even if you were here, I doubt you would even know. You abandoned your daughter with your ex and never acknowledged her as being your child. You abused Sam after me. God only knows who else you tried to destroy after or even before me. You left a trail of destruction in your wake. The world is better off without you. The truth, quite honestly, is that I pity you. You were in such deep denial that you had a problem. With therapy and medication, you maybe could have lived a fruitful life. But every bad result from your actions was everyone else's fault. You would have never changed and you probably would have destroyed more people had you lived on. But today I woke up and realized that I am no longer your victim. I'm now someone who survived knowing you. Thank you for the life lesson. I paid a steep price, both physically and mentally for it, but I will never allow someone to do what you did to me again. You taught me how to love myself enough to know where the line is. It was a lesson I needed after the childhood I endured. I will never again find myself in that place. I will continue to grow a little bit stronger every day while you continue to decompose back into the ground. I win.

 

[Sadielady3]

I'm really angry today. I was told at the end of the day that I'll be at the main building at my school working with 11th grade students teaching a financial literacy class. It's the place that they put the bad teachers that they don't know what else to do with. And the truth of the matter really is that the math department chair doesn't like me because she can't control me. She's replacing me in the standardized tested area with a teacher who is not certified in math and doesn't have a teaching degree. Also, she's only going to be in her second year of teaching. Then you have me- lots of experience teaching algebra I, will be in my ninth year of teaching, certified in math, and holds a masters degree in special education. I'm much more qualified than she is and I've done nothing wrong but because the department chair doesn't like me, well, I guess that makes me trash.

I kept asking the universe for signs that I am making the right choice pursuing the path I am trying to walk. In truth, there are many, many good things about this change. First, the kids are older and more self-sufficient, which makes my job easier. Second, the course material is very relevant to the students so they are naturally more engaged. Third, these are my babies from last year and I really love this group of kids. Fourth, I'll have a lot fewer preps and fewer meetings to attend. Fifth, while trying to do graduate courses, having a position that is far less demanding will make my life easier. I was honestly concerned on how I was going to have enough time to do a good job for the kids and do a great job in grad school. This will be a lot easier and I can much more easily do both as well as I need to to sleep well at night. I'll be co-teaching with my current co-teacher (not the one who takes advantage of me) and I think that'll be okay. I honestly like teaching this material. It's just enraging that the reason this is happening is completely personal. All because I refuse to allow the system to consume me with non-stop anxiety over things I can't control.

But the one triumph in this is that I didn't cry. I'm angry as hell but didn't cry. The truth is that taking away the one thing left that I love about my job is a blessing in a way. It will make it much easier to leave when I'm not as invested in what I'm doing. Now, if I get into the grad school that I want to go to, I'll have no qualms about accepting and moving forward.

 

[Sadielady3]

I'm back to really struggling with my relationship with my T again. I hate that I keep winding up back here. I think I'm ready to start processing the events from the past few days or so and start figuring this out. I also have an appointment with my BHT this afternoon so wrapping my brain around things is a good thing.

So, we did EMDR on Friday. Nothing new came up in session but I felt uneasy at the end. This is not uncommon for me and I was okay overall. Then I started to remember some new things on Saturday. The new things are horrifying memories that I can't even type about because I'm scared if I talk about these memories in any form, it'll make them too real. A part of me keeps believing that if I don't acknowledge these memories, they can just go away again. I know that's not how any of this works and it truth, there have always been hints that something like this would come up but I can't do this. I'm not ready. I have no idea how to get ready but I know I'm not yet. I keep crying and feeling deeply depressed and I know that I need to tell my T what is going on. But maybe I'm wrong and none of it happened. That's what I want to believe anyway.

Then Monday hit with the information that I suck at my job. That's also been hard (although not on the same level). I went to my T's group last night wanting to talk about it and the group had so many people there. My T didn't ask if any of us had anything we wanted to talk about like he normally does. The topic was on people pleasing. I started to talk about not fighting back at work and wasn't sure if it was me knuckling under or me taking the easier teaching position because it genuinely serves my interests better. I felt like I was monopolizing too much time. Someone made a comment in the chat and I ended up talking to people about it in the chat. My T blew up about this saying that I was distracting the group. I tried to apologize but he ignored it.

And now I want to quit therapy again. Or at least find a new therapist. I can run away from all of this and that sounds so good right now. I know where I will end up if I quit so I rationally know quitting is not an option. I'm hoping that my BHT will have some ideas. Maybe taking a break from the intense therapy stuff and just hanging out with her for awhile would be good. I'd still have some support from a licensed professional and can have the luxury of time. Yet, sometimes when we take a break from things, we wind up never coming back. I know I need to stay the course and face my demons. I really don't know.

 

[coraxxx]

Seems to me you have a lot to deal with with the unwinding of the memories, the group thing plus the upset of the change at work and forking career paths. I’m not familiar with group therapies yet but having them on zoom seems pushing at best and exhausting at worse.

 

[Sadielady3]

Seems to me you have a lot to deal with with the unwinding of the memories, the group thing plus the upset of the change at work and forking career paths. I’m not familiar with group therapies yet but having them on zoom seems pushing at best and exhausting at worse.

This seems accurate. Maybe easing up on group would be helpful. It's easier to quit group and come back if I want to than it would be to give up my T and then try to come back. In general, I have felt like group helps me but maybe it's just too much at the moment.

 

[Sadielady3]

Had my special education department meeting today and discovered that the real reason I'm being moved is because I refuse to just pass all of the students. Well, I can wear that reason like a badge of honor. That's been a thing at my school since before I got there. They claim it's because I'm not supporting the students enough but the truth is, I can support kids all day long and if they just won't do the work, I can't pass them. I do a tremendous amount of work for my students and they have every opportunity to pass. If you want to blame me for parents who refuse to hold their kids accountable, well, there's just nothing else I can do. And again, the new position pays the same and is half of the work. Lots of upsides to this shift. It's the gift from the universe I need to be able to focus on grad school.

Had my session with my BHT. We spent a lot of time discussing transference and the incident from group last night. Her take on it is that my T was actually rude to me. She feels that he actually does owe me an apology. Her take on my transference is that I am not projecting the relationship from my mother but instead the one from my father. There might be something to that. My dad was very important to me and I always wanted to make him proud. I was a loser when he died- no career, constantly broke, single, and still in school. He never got to see me graduate. She pointed out the ways that my relationship with my dad was similar to my relationship with my T. I might be seeking out that validation that I never had with him, that remains unresolved, in not just my therapeutic relationship but in supervisory relationships as well. She also said that the transference will never actually go away either, it can just be managed. I'm still not sure if the transference is too much to continue the work we've been doing. She said that I may actually need to work with a female therapist to have a relationship not completely colored by transference. It's food for thought anyway.