Sadielady3's Diary

[ruborcoraxxx]

Glad it isn't a brain tumor. But indeed neurological disorders can be caused by masses of stress or interact with it. So it's foggy between psychiatry and neurology. I don't think it's anything to do with your "crazy", that might be a stamp that we put on ourselves without anyone thinking it is. Hope you can find your husband soon and have some comfort.

 

[Sadielady3]

@ruborcoraxxx Thanks for your kind words. I did find my husband- he took me to Urgent Care since I knew I shouldn't be driving. Still feeling dizzy and disoriented today. Hopefully my medical team can figure this out soon.

 

[Sadielady3]

Saw my psychiatrist yesterday. She is concerned and wants me to take more time off from work, at least next week too. I explained that I can't take off one more week without taking the rest of the year off because it will shove an inordinate amount of work into the last eight days of school. She sort of shrugged and said that she'll sign the paperwork to keep me out the rest of the school year. I'm struggling with this because I feel insanely guilty about it, even though I really shouldn't.

I see my PCP on Thursday. I'm waiting to see what he has to say about all of this before I make a choice. But I do feel strongly that I have to return on Tuesday to work or be done with this school year. The stress of only having 8 days to complete all of the year end nonsense will be really awful for me, possibly just putting me out again right at the end. What happens if I don't go back? It just simply doesn't get done. No one will die, no one else will be forced to do it, and it just goes undone with nothing that serious happening. It would be different if other people would get stuck with doing it or if it affected one of the kid's services or something. The state might give us a slap on the wrist for some missing documents but in truth, no one is traveling around looking at our folders these days with Covid going on. It's extremely unlikely that there would be anything that awful that happens.

If I'm excused from the rest of the school year, it's time to start looking for a job. In truth, I don't think I can do two more years of this. Logically, I know sticking with it and getting vested makes sense but this job is mentally destroying me. This would give me more time to find something before the start of the next school year. My husband is against me leaving teaching because of money. He's worried that we'll wind up having to live with his parents. But the truth there is that it would be temporary because I still intend to go back to school in the fall and become a therapist. Feels a little hypocritical with my mental health taking such a hit these days but I really do think that a lot of this is caused by being in a toxic work environment that I have chosen to leave. It's hard to decide that something is bad for you and to commit to two more years of it for something as ordinary as money. Money comes and goes. Also, he could get off his butt and go look for a decent paying job. He doesn't make enough money to survive on his own. It feels really shitty to me that I am expected to soldier through something that is harming me to make his life more luxurious. He's been with his job for about 15 years too and doesn't particularly love it. He's just got a great deal of job security and it's a fairly easy job. He's been telling me for five years that he wants to go back to school and finish his degree or look for another job but he's never made any effort to do either. He's never applied for a single job. He's never filled out the application to start school. My income has made it possible for him to be complacent while having enough money to live a fairly good life. Me leaving my job and possibly making less money disrupts him but I feel like it's unfair for him to put all of that on me when my job has been very harmful to my mental health for years now and it's getting worse. I need him to value me more than money and right now it feels like he doesn't.

 

[Sadielady3]

I've been going downhill throughout the week. I'm not really sure what's going on. I've been sleeping but am absolutely exhausted. I'm constantly in a fog. My doctor put me on dramamine for the dizziness. It does help some but I still have some really bad spells where I can't see straight. I was sent back to Urgent Care last night where they ruled out a heart problem since I'm now getting chest pains. Honestly, my anxiety is probably really high. I can't feel anything though, I'm so numbed out. The SI has gotten really bad now too. I don't actually think that this is a psychological condition but I do think that whatever is wrong with me is triggering mental health problems.

I see my T this afternoon. I don't want to go because I'm afraid of being committed. I did write to my psychiatrist this morning. Hopefully they can figure this out. If this is all stress related, it just reinforces my need to move on to a different job.