Sadielady3's Diary

Sadielady3

Confident
I did end up sending the email to my T. He offered to talk about what was bothering me but I couldn't. Sometimes I think he's a magical mind reader though because we did end up having a conversation that I found very reassuring. I did catch him up on the after effects from the last session and that I think he's right about me having parts.

We worked on the block that my mother loves my brother but not me. We ended up talking about "son love" and how some Asian cultures engage in treating the sons like they are flawless while the daughters as though they are dispensable. Maybe somewhere in my mom's mind this was a belief she had for some reason. I don't know. But maybe I am starting to accept the fact that this was her issue, not mine. Looking back at all of the ways we were treated differently for whatever reason I think helps in a strange way.

My T had me try to install positive beliefs using slow bilateral stimulation. It made me nauseous. He found that interesting. We discussed how getting compliments and validation makes me nervous because I always feel like someone or something is going to take it away from me. We discussed some specific incidents from the past that conditioned me to feel that way.

Next session we're going to discuss a future template in regards to how to deal with my mom. I told my T that I hadn't spoken to her in over six weeks. He nearly fell out of his chair with delight. I guess I now know how he feels about that relationship, lol. But I went on to say that I don't plan to cut her out forever because of other factors in my life so having a way to better navigate and be less affected by that relationship is still a really good idea. He said that he understood my stance.

At the very end I asked him what comes next after the EMDR. I told him that I wasn't so sure about doing parts therapy because it seemed overly cheesy to me and I might punch someone if I tried it. He chuckled and said that it was entirely up to me if I wanted to continue after EMDR. I told him that I didn't want to be a waste of time to him and he said that he doesn't feel at all like I'm malingering and he would tell me straight up if I wasn't being productive enough in therapy. I said that I didn't want to stay too long and wasn't sure what was reasonable. He told me that he himself is in therapy, has been for a while, and plans to be for the foreseeable future. He said that he thinks life is hard and if you feel like you need support then go get support. I am going to take this as being welcome for as long as I'd like to stay and continue working. I haven't managed to scare him off yet. I'm still worried that eventually I will but even if he gave me a very earnest soliloquy about why that wouldn't happen, I don't think I'd believe him. There's too much he doesn't know yet to be able to say that to me and know what he's committing to. He also hasn't dealt with "going to work" me yet so he has no idea how much dysfunction I really have under normal conditions. Some of it may be gone due to the work I've been doing in therapy but I doubt I'll be doing all that well out in the real world. But at least I know he's not going to be sitting there thinking that I am taking too long. That helps a bit.
 

Sadielady3

Confident
I've been massively depressed today. Lots of suicidal ideation. My guitar teacher stopped trying to teach me guitar and instead just sat and talked to me for a little over an hour or so. I couldn't stop shaking or crying.

The thing is, the more I think about it, the more it makes sense to end therapy. I don't think talk therapy is going to help me much and I feel tremendously guilty for wasting my T's time. I've been in therapy for over a year and I go to all of these groups. Maybe the work I've done is the work I can do. The feeling of being a burden has been so strong lately. I look around at my messy house and I want to clean it but I don't have the energy. My T once remarked that I don't know how to have fun. Maybe that's why life feels like a slog to me.

I have so much work that I need to get done and yet I spent hours laying on a sofa crying. My husband just brought me a sandwich because I stopped eating again today. I don't even want to eat it because I'm just not hungry. I feel guilty for getting the second shot of the vaccine tomorrow because it should go to someone who deserves it more. I just can't escape this horrible feeling of wanting to not be here anymore. And I know I should tell my T what's really going on but he's on vacation and, even if he wasn't, I'm too worried I'll get locked up if I tell him. That's the problem with talking- too many bad potential consequences.

Maybe this is the after effect of EMDR this week. I don't think so though because I was on this path before Friday. Hopefully getting out of the house tomorrow to get my vaccine will perk me up a bit.
 

Sadielady3

Confident
I went and got my second shot today. Didn't even feel it go in. It's a bit sore now though.

It's a long drive to the vaccination site. It was a struggle to drive without dissociating. I kept looking for things to focus my attention on and rolled down my windows to stay grounded. I'm getting pretty disoriented at this point.

I did reach out to the Urgent Care service. Hopefully it'll be the guy I like or someone else who I haven't ever spoken to that can be helpful. Also, I feel fortunate that I have tomorrow off since I get a free day off for getting vaccinated. And I have X's group tomorrow night. Hopefully I can come out of this tailspin I'm in.
 

Sadielady3

Confident
Well, Urgent Care was pointless. It was someone new. She couldn't figure out how to use the camera. She also shamed me for taking too long because, according to her, I'm only allotted ten minutes for an appointment. Since when? No camera and cutting someone off very quickly (I've always been allotted an hour before, sometimes longer). Makes me wonder if she's scamming or something. She also had no concept of what group therapy is and shamed me for having so many appointments. Also, didn't know what EMDR is. Good thing I'm a teacher and could educate her...

I tried to explain to her that I was worried about not being able to get better. That this hopeless bleak life is all I'm going to get. Her advice was to terminate therapy, if I feel like I can't get better. I know the truth of things is that I need to find my voice when I'm actually sitting in front of my therapist. I need to find a way to get the normal functional part of me out of the way and let all of that irrationality fly free in that space. I generally find my T reassuring. I honestly think it would be okay. He might think I'm crazy or know I'm hopeless afterwards but I also know he could take it. I really need to find whatever scraps of bravery I have floating around in the primordial soup that my brain is these days.

I feel like me not getting better is just letting everyone down. My friends, my therapist, but most importantly, my poor husband. He deserves a much better wife than I'll probably ever be capable of being. How much better off would the world be if I wasn't here anymore. Especially him. And yet I can't find the bravery to leave this world either. People say suicide is cowardly but I feel like it takes a lot of bravery to go that route. I can't even find the courage to say a few words to a paid professional.
 

Sadielady3

Confident
I went to X's group tonight. I somewhat brought up my concerns about how I feel stuck and lost and how I feel like if this is it for me, I don't really want to stick around. X actually addressed this as our topic tonight. Lots of people chimed in, feeling similarly in one way or another. X also commented that he knows where my T is planning to go next based on my comment that he said I don't really know how to have fun. Hopefully, my T does have some ideas on how to help the things he is seeing. Maybe my impression that I was supposed to be done with therapy after EMDR was mistaken.

I still think I want to find an external therapist outside of my HMO to do more EMDR during summer vacation. I really think it has been helping me. I can think of one devastating memory that still haunts me and that changed the course of my life forever that it would be helpful to process and put to rest. It's not really that I want to die, I just don't want to live like this and, quite honestly, don't think I can keep living like this for a normal lifespan. Life often sucks but if you can't find the good moments and really enjoy them, what's the point? I've made changes like not talking to my mom in just about seven weeks now. Eventually I'll talk to her again but I need to finish EMDR first. I need a plan with her moving forward. She doesn't get to cause me pain anymore. She's robbed me out of a lot of things already in life. She's the reason I am the way I am. She doesn't get to keep stealing my energy away from healing and enjoying life.
 

ruborcoraxxx

MyPTSD Pro
What you write does resonate with me. Don't know how to have fun. I have rare occasions where I do entertain myself but they're brief and generally need the presence of someone else. I struggle a lot to get out of certain states of mind and everything seems grim. What is "funny" for others wasn't for me. I developed a despise towards fun. Until I learnt how to be social again. And the bupropion. Both together. I wouldn't say that I'm okay with the way things are right now, but I'm okay with the way they are likely to turn. Even in short or middle term. Having a short term goal allocates the space to do something and being towards sort of relieves me from the guilt of not being productive and then only I manage to relax a bit more and activate the right vagal mode if I can speak like this. It's very very recent. I've never felt like this in my entire life. But it's taken important dramas and questioning and medication and pain to get some peace. And it's not that peaceful, but at least it is in movement. I do know that this movement is a trick I place to myself as to carry on, but in the meanwhile I do find interesting things and hopefully don't get too bored. I find it more difficult when you're living with someone. I don't know if any of what I wrote here makes sense, but I hope it does and helps. Courage in your journey. There is desire to live and open your landscape of experiences in the world here.
 

Sadielady3

Confident
@ruborcoraxxx , yes, this very much resonates with me. Even when I'm "relaxing" and playing a video game, I am very goal oriented. It's like I can't give myself permission to not be productive. I don't understand people who go to the beach to relax. How can you just sit there and not be doing something? I can't meditate because that activates a lot of scary thoughts. I know I have so much work still to do to even be somewhat in the realm of normal in life. I really need to learn to be patient with myself and understand that I'm on a journey, not trying to reach a destination. I rationally know this but emotionally, that message just isn't resonating.
 

ruborcoraxxx

MyPTSD Pro
Ah, the relaxing too! I don't even know what that word means. And yes meditation is hard. I've been very confused by the way mindfulness is presented in western settings and wary against it because I suspect it suffers heavily from deformations such as making you mindful to make you more efficient, which reinforced the scare of doing nothing. I'm currently reading the dhammapada and it's really agreeable. It's a sort of vademecum of sayings about thoughts and feelings. I find it contextualises meditation much better and it feels less scary to do it in a frame made for it. There is a bit of religious rambling against bad thoughts though but at least it takes it into account and they have a place and a sense on which you can control. It's about taming the feelings.

I also discovered that it's when I'm idling that I'm actually being productive. If I do things out of a sense of obligation, I often manage to do them badly and get fired. I need purpose in what I'm making in the now. On this I found the writings about "flow states" and optimal experiences in psychology really interesting. Flow (psychology) - Wikipedia
 
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