Sadielady3's Diary

Sadielady3

MyPTSD Pro
@ladee , I know telling him was long overdue. For some reason I'm not super worked up about it. I think some of it is that I'm so overwhelmed by everything that I'm numb but I also think that some of my fears have faded a bit due to doing EMDR with him and some of the nice things that have come out of his mouth in the past month. Maybe the relationship has strengthened enough. My biggest concern is that he forgets so much stuff with me at times. I wouldn't care if he forgot little personal stuff like people's names in the things I tell him about or the details of things I tell him about but he will legitimately forget what the plan is to treat me. He is quite laid back in certain ways and he might be a "go with the flow" kind of person, so maybe that's it? At other times, I feel like he knows me inside and out and can almost read my mind. But I'll find out in a week and a half.
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
Just hoping as time goes on, you feel more confident in the direction things are going. I know you are in pain and overwhelmed and that's what we do, shut down. Because it's just too much. I do understand and hope things start to make a little more sense and you get some relief. Wishing you success Sadie, as slow as it is sometimes.
 

Sadielady3

MyPTSD Pro
I was productive today. Worked on grading (maybe it won't pile up on me this time...), amended an IEP, wrote an IEP, and did various other bits of paperwork. I met with some kids and helped them with some assignments. Overall, a good day.

The whole distraction from the Switch seems to be working though. I've been in a fairly good mood today and minimal SI. Maybe the key is for me to spend less time thinking...
 

Sadielady3

MyPTSD Pro
I was exhausted today. Not entirely sure why. My husband says he was in and out of bed all night and that I seemed disturbed every time he got up. His sleeping has been truly erratic the past week or so. Maybe that's contributing to my mental state. I don't remember getting disturbed but less restful sleep does tend to have an impact.

I'm trying to psyche myself up for next Friday. I'm trying to convince my poor trauma brain that my T is on my side and wants to help. I need to be as present and forthcoming in that conversation as possible. I have a great start with the letter and hopefully it'll clue him in enough to ask the right questions and get me talking. I need to work on a follow up list- things I would want to add to expand the things I started. It might be easier if I have a list in my hand to look at. I go back to work on Wednesday so I need to get it together before then.
 

Sadielady3

MyPTSD Pro
Woke up this morning determined to bleach my hair. I don't intend to stay blond (wouldn't work well at all with my complexion) but it will hopefully let my colorful dye job really pop tomorrow. I plan on adding some electric blue in there this time. If I have to go back into the school buildings, I'm going to enter in the most colorful way possible.
 

Sadielady3

MyPTSD Pro
I have been fascinated by the blond hair result all day. People say I can pull it off but I don't think so. Tomorrow will come the blue and purple.
 

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Sadielady3

MyPTSD Pro
I think I can get it. I picked out an electric blue so it should be incredibly vibrant on the platinum. I'll post pictures tomorrow. At least I'm keeping busy this weekend and not dwelling on things to come. It's amazing how distracted I get by blond hair, lol.
 

Sadielady3

MyPTSD Pro
I guess I'm tuning back into life now. I suppose that's a good thing. It's definitely been a day though.

My second and third period students really love my hair. Third period decided to vote on what color comes next since they've seen purple and now blue. I guess no one told them that I am the monarch of my hair and it's not a democracy. They also got to see the blond pictures and had a good laugh at that. S thought I looked like an elf maiden from Lord of the Rings.

I had an IEP meeting this afternoon where a general educator berated the student. Both the school psychologist and myself gently told him to stop, that we got the point. He proceeded to continue and I got fairly nasty. He made the kid and the mom cry. Not productive and doesn't solve anything. The school psychologist remarked that he didn't think I had that in me. We are there to help kids, not break them down. Period. Mama bear will come out if you attack one of my cubs.

Then I got a letter from a former student. This young lady was a major pain in my butt last year. Her attitude was the main problem for her learning math. But I stuck with it, despite her attitude and by the end of the year, she was doing pretty well with her math. She wrote to me in honor of Women's History Month and said I was the woman she was honoring this year. She said that because of me, she learned how to do math and thanked me for the incredible patience I gave to her despite her being difficult. She acknowledged how awful she often acted but said that I came to school each day happy to see her anyways and it was my positivity and joy that reached her the most of all. She said that this year's math class has gone much better for her because of me and that she hoped to have me again for math before she graduated from high school. I teared up when I read that letter. I'd been questioning so much whether or not I belong in the field of teaching for so many reasons. I'm still not 100% sure it's what I want to be doing for another 22 years but that letter made me feel like maybe I'm not terrible at it. I always feel like the school could find someone better but, while that may be true, I may be doing something positive for these students after all.

I had X's group after that tonight. I definitely had a few good laughs but also got help with a major issue. Last night I talked to mom. It had been two months since I last spoke to her and when she called, I actually did answer. I can't avoid her forever. She was on really good behavior last night though and didn't really set me off too much. My husband was listening to the conversation and could hear it in my voice when I was starting to be drained. He then aggressively kept calling me down for dinner. He asked me when we were talking about and I filled him in. One of the things mom talked about was having back surgery. She's needed it for years but has avoided it because it has a fifty-fifty shot of working. However, she struggles a great deal with her mobility and that's the only chance she has at a more social and normal life. I'm glad she's going to get the surgery. I mentioned to him that she was stressing out about the aftercare stuff and how she wouldn't be allowed to come home after the surgery because she lives alone. He asked me when she was having this surgery. I told him she was aiming for late May early June. She isn't actually scheduled yet. He looked at me and said that she's hinting that she wants me to come up and take care of her after the surgery. Makes sense, I just hadn't been thinking that way.

A part of me feels guilty for not being willing to go up and take care of her. I have zero plans for this summer and, in terms of logistics, could easily do it. But I also know that my mental health would take such a toll from spending a month alone with her that it would likely undo all of the work I've been doing in therapy the past year and possibly create new wounds. When I mentioned this to L, she threatened to kick my ass if I start planning to go. My husband is also very against this. When I mentioned this to the group, at first they were in favor of me helping out periodically, like once or twice per week. One of the women suggested special gummies- to pop one before I head in to help me stay calm. I replied that there isn't a gummy in the world large enough to do that. When I explained that my mother lives in Niagara Falls, NY and I am here in the Baltimore area of Maryland and it's an all or nothing proposition, they were very much against me going. X actually jumped in with an opinion (which he rarely does) and stated that because I would be left outside of my home turf without supports or resources to help me, it's a very bad idea. That group has heard enough about my mother over the past year to have strong opinions regarding her and they only know a small fraction. My mental health needs to matter too. And, in truth, she wouldn't do it for me if she could unless she got something out of it. There is nothing she can offer me that I would want. I would do this purely out of some sense of obligation. It's probably pulling at me because there is still that part of me that wants to win her love. But I know that it will never happen. Not even giving up my entire summer and spending a large amount of time away from my life, especially my husband, would make her see me as worthy of her love.

So now I have to figure out how I want to handle this. Mom and I have never had the conversation where I confront her about all of the awful things she did to me nor do I plan on ever having that conversation. There's no point to it. She's just going to cry and play the victim, deny some things actually happened, etc. Nothing I can say or do will change her or even make her feel a scrap of regret or remorse. And I know that I don't need a reason to say no but I feel like in terms of my brother and sister-in-law, if I don't give a reason, it's going to be looked upon very negatively because mom will definitely play the victim. The truth is, it's a big ask to get someone to give up their entire summer to take care of you physically even if we had a great relationship. I'd probably honestly do it if we did though. But a month or longer away from my husband is a big ask. But it still feels selfish to use that as an excuse. Eventually she will ask outright. I need to have an idea of how I want to handle it so that I don't succumb to the guilt she will lay on me when she does. I think I will bring this up at my T's group tomorrow to get input from the group but also to clue my T into this because I already know he will definitely have a strong opinion on this one, lol. I may even hear it in group, if he gets riled up enough.

But the win in all of this is that a year ago, I wouldn't have questioned it. I would have just gone and suffered through her relentless negativity and abuse. Maybe I really am growing.
 
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