Fighting to Survive at University - Feeling Alone and Misunderstood

[applepie]

Hi all. I don't know what to say as honestly, I am completely and utterly exhausted. I fought extremely hard to get into a good college, especially one for my course. Having CPTSD after a 10 year horrific psychological and sexual torture, I've had to go through, with bullying in the last 2 years of that ordeal as a RESULT of that ordeal, has honestly been too much for me. To have to sit exams, do well, then be sent to an extremely good college one year after all of this, has honestly been too much for me. Everyone there has had a level of privilege that I will never have- and above all, the privilege of having a well-sheltered, safe, happy upbringing, with normal human experiences. They have the luxury of not living with this condition, and being able to actually concentrate on their education and score well. They've had support, emotionally and academically, and the best kind. I've gone to the counselling offered, I've spoken to the director of my course, filed mitigating circumstances, I've even tried to go onto medication and try different forms of counselling- I've done EVERYTHING, and somehow, it's still not enough to even get me an average grade. I;ve explored taking a year out (that's not feasible for me due to personal circumstances), or to do part time study (again, not exactly viable for me), I have genuinely done everything under the sun. I am told repeatedly, that what I carry is 'too heavy', 'too intense' and overall 'too much' for anyone to actually deal with. No matter how hard I try, I will never ever be able to accomplish what these people can. Ever. Every time I get a result back, it only serves as a reminder as to how genuinely inadequate I am compared to everyone else, and how I shouldn't have probably even gotten in. I have to apply to internships, schemes, etc where I have to compete with these very people, KNOWING, that they will beat me, every single time. I feel so isolated, so alone, and I feel as if no one in the world has tried to or even seems to understand me. I feel ridiculous, and honestly, deeply exhausted. I honestly feel tired of feeling unwanted, isolated and misunderstood from my peers, and even villainised at times. I am so exhausted, and it seems that around me, no one seems to bother to get it. I almost feel like I'm fighting for my life by the skin of my teeth at this point.

 

[PlainJane]

Hey @applepie that sounds super exahusting. It's a tough feeling to edure, and a felt similar myself. It has taken me years to get where I am and still feel inadequate at times. I hate to say this, but it just took the right combo for me and years of fighting. At times it felt intolerable and all I could do was push through.

Mod Note:
I removed the trigger warning from the title, we don't use them here.

 

[Owenjames]

Hi all. I don't know what to say as honestly, I am completely and utterly exhausted. I fought extremely hard to get into a good college, especially one for my course. Having CPTSD after a 10 year horrific psychological and sexual torture, I've had to go through, with bullying in the last 2 years of that ordeal as a RESULT of that ordeal, has honestly been too much for me. To have to sit exams, do well, then be sent to an extremely good college one year after all of this, has honestly been too much for me. Everyone there has had a level of privilege that I will never have- and above all, the privilege of having a well-sheltered, safe, happy upbringing, with normal human experiences. They have the luxury of not living with this condition, and being able to actually concentrate on their education and score well. They've had support, emotionally and academically, and the best kind. I've gone to the counselling offered, I've spoken to the director of my course, filed mitigating circumstances, I've even tried to go onto medication and try different forms of counselling- I've done EVERYTHING, and somehow, it's still not enough to even get me an average grade. I;ve explored taking a year out (that's not feasible for me due to personal circumstances), or to do part time study (again, not exactly viable for me), I have genuinely done everything under the sun. I am told repeatedly, that what I carry is 'too heavy', 'too intense' and overall 'too much' for anyone to actually deal with. No matter how hard I try, I will never ever be able to accomplish what these people can. Ever. Every time I get a result back, it only serves as a reminder as to how genuinely inadequate I am compared to everyone else, and how I shouldn't have probably even gotten in. I have to apply to internships, schemes, etc where I have to compete with these very people, KNOWING, that they will beat me, every single time. I feel so isolated, so alone, and I feel as if no one in the world has tried to or even seems to understand me. I feel ridiculous, and honestly, deeply exhausted. I honestly feel tired of feeling unwanted, isolated and misunderstood from my peers, and even villainised at times. I am so exhausted, and it seems that around me, no one seems to bother to get it. I almost feel like I'm fighting for my life by the skin of my teeth at this point.

I feel this. I felt under attack all through my undergraduate study! The isolation can be intimidating and utterly exhausting! What did I do to survive given that, at that time, I didn’t know I was a childhood abuse survivor? I did the best I could to take each day, one day at a time by looking at each small part of my study in its isolation - each small part of it was an achievement in and of itself. It was MINE and MINE alone and as each little part was added to another tiny little part it began to build into a small but growing part of me that I could say was truly my own. As my small pile of achievement grew, so did my fatigue, but so did my resilience! I was challenged on every level by that fear that slaps us hard every time we think we are enough, the one that tells us we are never enough, but piece by piece that little pile kept growing and I could see it - I could grow it and my ability to keep adding little pieces to it! It was hard, exhausting and I never believed for one minute I could make it but I JUST kept on moving it forward - piece by piece. If you need to cry, then cry! But just move those small pieces bit by bit, one by one. DONT ask others for approval because we never hear it, DONT compare with others as they will always be better at this moment in time. Move YOUR pieces, bit by bit, day by day and ALLOW yourself to move those pieces one by one in the right direction with no reference to others, their scores, their past, their perfections. Eat the learning only - eat the task in front of you only - eat the words or the texts or the equations with no reference to another human being at all except the small piece of learning that is RIGHT there JUST in front of YOU! God bless and support you - I survived childhood PTSD and graduated - a small piece at a time