Hi all. I don't know what to say as honestly, I am completely and utterly exhausted. I fought extremely hard to get into a good college, especially one for my course. Having CPTSD after a 10 year horrific psychological and sexual torture, I've had to go through, with bullying in the last 2 years of that ordeal as a RESULT of that ordeal, has honestly been too much for me. To have to sit exams, do well, then be sent to an extremely good college one year after all of this, has honestly been too much for me. Everyone there has had a level of privilege that I will never have- and above all, the privilege of having a well-sheltered, safe, happy upbringing, with normal human experiences. They have the luxury of not living with this condition, and being able to actually concentrate on their education and score well. They've had support, emotionally and academically, and the best kind. I've gone to the counselling offered, I've spoken to the director of my course, filed mitigating circumstances, I've even tried to go onto medication and try different forms of counselling- I've done EVERYTHING, and somehow, it's still not enough to even get me an average grade. I;ve explored taking a year out (that's not feasible for me due to personal circumstances), or to do part time study (again, not exactly viable for me), I have genuinely done everything under the sun. I am told repeatedly, that what I carry is 'too heavy', 'too intense' and overall 'too much' for anyone to actually deal with. No matter how hard I try, I will never ever be able to accomplish what these people can. Ever. Every time I get a result back, it only serves as a reminder as to how genuinely inadequate I am compared to everyone else, and how I shouldn't have probably even gotten in. I have to apply to internships, schemes, etc where I have to compete with these very people, KNOWING, that they will beat me, every single time. I feel so isolated, so alone, and I feel as if no one in the world has tried to or even seems to understand me. I feel ridiculous, and honestly, deeply exhausted. I honestly feel tired of feeling unwanted, isolated and misunderstood from my peers, and even villainised at times. I am so exhausted, and it seems that around me, no one seems to bother to get it. I almost feel like I'm fighting for my life by the skin of my teeth at this point.
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