Therapy problems- T misunderstanding or I'm lying to myself (long)

Muttly

MyPTSD Pro
ok, I just need to suck it up. accept what's happening. fine

///

@Sideways I guess I should have asked. Was the issues with your T (phrasing poorly) when you were in the harmful bdsm relationship or later?
 

Sideways

Sponsor
He had 'the conversation' with me when it was happening. It was hard, because I was facing losing his support when I was in the thick of SHing.

The important part of my post, for me? Was that we went on to do some incredibly helpful parts work, and I'd still be working with him today if I had the opportunity (other unrelated stuff intervened).

I know that for you, this is really different to what you were doing, and what you were doing probably feels like a lifetime ago. But your T is on the outside looking in. To her? What you were doing seemed incredibly traumatic, was only 1 year ago (not really long enough to get over something super traumatic from her perspective, yeah? Even though it feels like the distant past now), and there are a lot of commonalities with this current relationship, yeah?

So, she wouldn't really be doing her job if she wasn't at all concerned...

That's not to say what you're doing is wrong. And 1 year without SHing is a really huge achievement (high five yourself for that). But one of the benefits of having a T is that they bring an outsider's eye to our life. She's expressed concern, but a willingness to keep working with you, and a desire to help keep you safe. All good things, no?
 

Muttly

MyPTSD Pro
Well, to be fair, there's been some *brief* slips since then. Nothing like what happened a year ago.

And yes, I get expressing concern. To me that isn't felt like what happened. And I get that she missed emails. But what it felt like is I got blasted with "I can't help you" and "you aren't trying". The "I can't help you is exactly what she said. Twice. There was no comment on that being contingent on continued behavior. She said all she could do at this point is help me feel less alone. The not trying isn't exactly what she said. But she did list behaviors/thoughts that she thought I hadn't changed and didn't show "resolve" to change.

If it was an expression of concern with a list of questions and things she thought I needed to do, I wouldn't have made this post. Having said that, the problems began before this all happened. It began when she started being less ... organized? consistent. When things happened like a session would start and it would take her a long time to be organized enough to focus. When she made a joke about that about how she's only that way with me. And we went on talk about that and she said she'd be taking a new approach but that was still fresh when the only scheduler blocked me. I then expressed multiple times that I wasn't able to schedule appointments and she'd not offer to schedule herself (something she'd done in the past) and make comments about "I'll take a look at it" and then nothing would change. I'd go to the online scheduler and I'd still be blocked out. And, being grumpy.... a lot of the misunderstanding wouldn't have happened if I'd been able to see her more lately. If we'd had more sessions, we would have been talking directly about what's going on.

And her feeling maternal and protective and freaking out is a big mind f*ck to me. That is too tied into past issues. And yeah, it's worth working through but I need to actually feel comfortable with her to do that.

And I'm not saying I'm going to end with her. I'm not going to rush into that. But right now, I've lost trust. And maybe that's wrong and I'm being stupid and just need to suck it up. But that's where I'm at.

And I don't mean to come off argumentative. I'm sorry. I do think about what's said and your perspective, Sideways, has helped.
 

Sideways

Sponsor
And I don't mean to come off argumentative. I'm sorry.
You don't come off as argumentative. You come off as someone who's working their way through a complex problem.
But right now, I've lost trust.
This is important. It isn't necessarily fatal to the relationship - trust can be rebuilt. Maybe it would be helpful for you to work through rebuilding trust with her and having the experience of someone letting you down, but ultimately coming through for you. Maybe not. Only you can decide what you need.

And maybe that's wrong and I'm being stupid and just need to suck it up.
Not at all - like I said, you seem to be working through the problem. Identifying the issues, how you feel about them, whether you can salvage this relationship or not.

That's a really healthy approach to take to the situation, right? I know you defer to self criticism, but from where I am, you're ticking all the right boxes.

There's stuff you've reacted to with your trauma brain (like use of the word 'maternal' - perhaps focus on 'protective' and concerned, because language can be a huge trigger, without the person having the faintest idea they've used certain language that's triggered a response), but you're not reacting to the situation with your trauma brain. That's a pretty big deal (for any of us).

So, you've mentioned there has been other stuff. You don't need to write about it, but perhaps there's some room for being more honest with yourself about how things are for you right now?

Because this isn't a W v's T situation, yeah? It's a "what do I need to move towards my goals" situation...
 

TruthSeeker

MyPTSD Pro
Yesterday I had the psych nurse appointment. That went well. Then talked to T. Not in a good place today. Don't know how much of that is PTSD stuff since it's my triggery time, how much is just being drained from the appointments yesterday and how much is from the conversation with T.

At first we really couldn't talk. is how we get when we we really upset with someone. T did a lot of talking. Do understand better where she was coming from. A big thing is she didn't get (or lost) several emails from us. So she wasn't getting all the information. And she said some good stuff about relationships and communication. So, there was good stuff.

The stuff we found not so good. She kept talking about the harmful, past bdsm stuff. She said she was still stuck on that. she went on to say she'd been traumatized by that. And how that sometimes happens to trauma therapists and they were supposed to keep there stuff out of the relationship but all of them didn't succeed at that sometimes. umm... ok?

she said she was feeling maternal and protective. really can't deal with that. I mean, ok, we got mom issues and so maybe we freaking out about it more than we should. but... we get setting boundaries. if she needs to set boundaries on the kink stuff or whatever that's fine. even if we don't agree with the boundaries, we'd know where we stand. we'd be able to adapt. But maternal? that just leaves us feeling distrustful.

and... I guess... we not sure she understands just how hurtful it was for us. maybe she does. she did acknowledge it in an email. maybe we needed to hear her say it.

Or maybe we are just wrong and relationship misunderstandings happen, like she said, and this is a great opportunity to work on dealing with relationships. maybe we overreacting to everything and just need to be fine. we really good at being fine.
It is your T's responsibility to set boundaries, to dump her own issues by getting her own support, to get supervision or counsel from other T's in the trauma field. If the trauma BSDM stuff was in the past, and it's not an issue you are dealing with currently, sounds like her issue. Her saying "traumatized" by that.....did she mean she had had her own personal issues with it.....and your talking about it traumatized her or retraumatized her.

So I'm asking you (the primary self part which, after communicating with insiders/alters and getting their weigh in).....not talking all of your parts-they seem clearly confused and distraught by her response, but the self part of you.....how does your self feel about this?
 

Muttly

MyPTSD Pro
I will give a better reply when I can think a bit better. The last couple days have ground me down. Right now, all I want is to not have to see her on Christmas eve. We can sort stuff out at our January appointments. I told her I'd let her know today if I was canceling for sure. I need to just text her. Or suck it up and go. We definitely do plan to keep seeing her for now, to see if we can reset. But... December is already so freaking hard.
 

Muttly

MyPTSD Pro
I did something hard and went with my gut and not what T or some others and suggested and canceled T for Christmas eve. And I think it was right. I'm dealing with December PTSD stuff. I'm dealing with work short staffing issues. I'm dealing with school. I'm not all twisted about my relationship with T and feeling overrun with emotions. In fact, not thinking about it has eased my feelings. I'm not so upset with her. I am willing to work things though for a bit and see how it goes.

Because this isn't a W v's T situation, yeah? It's a "what do I need to move towards my goals" situation...

I have honestly not seen it that way. Is it a T versus Kink thing? Maybe a bit. But it's mostly a communication and trust thing. And the reason I separated trust from communication is because some of the trust is just about me not being sure of her ability to be there.

So, you've mentioned there has been other stuff. You don't need to write about it, but perhaps there's some room for being more honest with yourself about how things are for you right now?

I am not completely sure what you mean? But. how are things going for me. My old T used to always accuse me of giving facts and not emotions and I think that's where I am at. I am doing better with eating. Not perfect, need to get a little more consistent but better. Can't manage to worry about proper nutrition, just focused on eating regularly. My sleep is f*cked up. Not through any intention of me, just because my brain won't let me sleep. I'm back to showering regularly. Hmmm.... I'm edgy as f*ck. I'm still in the relationship with W which I think is ok, but understand the need for caution and constant evaluation. The sui thoughts aren't gone but are down. The fatigue is still there but maybe not as bad? I think it's been replaced by edgy. My body is in a lot of pain. Ummm... I'm able to come here and work on stuff when time and bandwidth allows. Umm.. still not super motivated to do stuff. Like not getting hypermutt out for real hikes. dunno?
 

Muttly

MyPTSD Pro
Sorry it's been so long and I'm here being needy again

I have sent some emails to T to keep her updated on what's going on with me and sent her a text after to let her know it was sent. (She has said she wants this) I've done a lot of thinking. Life has happened. And now, tomorrow I "see" (telehealth) T. I'm so edgy. There's other reasons I'm edgy but talking to T is definitely part of it.

An email I want to send T:

Hi,

Some things I might not say. I am still feeling hurt. I agree we can fix this and I don't want to be critical of you. You have helped us so much and gone above and beyond in many ways. I guess part of moving on is that I should say about what still stings. I understand there were missed emails and past history, but it still feels like you went to the worst possible conclusion about us. And I get how that could happen, but before sending an email like you did, I really wish you'd sent an email asking questions. I understand you were basing your statements off your understanding, but it was really hard to hear you stating you couldn't help us and we'd shown little resolve to change. For us, without knowing what you were thinking and that you'd missed emails it felt like we were getting lectured, discounted and deeply misunderstood. And that probably sounds like I'm judging and unwilling to move on and I'm sorry for coming across that way. I do appreciate and like you.

Us
 
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