Relationship Long distance quasi-relationship I care for her deeply, love her, but also I'm in love (She has CPTSD) I will give some background about me

[Catontheroof]

I personally smell BS. I don’t know her or you, but it seems like games.

If her ex is a horrible, controlling, abusive person, why is she going over to his house to do laundry? She doesn’t have any change for a laundromat? Why doesn’t she move out of the apartment “he can legally access.” Why doesn’t she block his number if he is harassing her?

If he is abusive why is she going to him for any kind of comfort?

If they’re divorced he has no right to do anything to or with her anymore. Divorce is legally binding. He’s not her husband anymore. If they don’t have kids he has no need to contact her. She needs to make her own way like any other adult.

In my opinion she is trying to make you jealous. Sounds like more of the same as she was doing before.

I don't think she was trying to make me jealous, she was crying a lot during our call afraid that I was going to leave her.

This is the only person she can rely upon in Germany. Meaning, that she says he began changing after their divorce but she does not want absolutely anything with him. She lives broke, that is why she has two part time jobs and is also studying. She is from another European country of a poor economy. She does not want any external economic support either, she let this be very clear.

Ever since that occassion, she commited and it is just evident she is not meeting other guys.

 

[Catontheroof]

Boundaries control your behavior, not hers. They’re your limits, and you need to enforce them when they’re broken.

So *you* decide if you’re in a relationship or friends. If you just want to be friends, the tell her you’re friends. If you agree to be in a relationship with her like she wants, then you need to outline your boundaries.

Your boundary would be - I am monogamous in a relationship. If she is involved with other men I will end the relationship.

Or it could be - we are not serious enough for monogamy, so I am fine with her seeing other men. I can accept that.

*You* decide your boundaries and what they mean, then you communicate them to her. She can respect them or not as she chooses, but you need to enforce them if she breaks them. If you cannot accept her seeing other men, then don’t accept it. Walk away.

You have to mean what you say, and say what you mean. She will push and disrespect boundaries until you enforce them.

Hi! these boundaries have been enforced for many weeks and they have been respected without any problem. This week she is going to visit her family for the first time since 2019, and still, we will be in touch every day

 

[Sweetpea76]

If she wanted absolutely nothing to do with him, she would have absolutely nothing to do with him.

People make new friends. She has coworkers if she has two jobs. If she’s a student she has classmates. There are neighbors. She has you for emotional support. There’s nobody in the entire country of Germany besides her ex that she can go to? How long has she lived there that he is her *only* support? Poor people can live on their own without the need to keep their abusive ex husbands in their lives.

It sounds like she is playing the two of you off each other. I’m divorced and I’ve never once, not ever, given a boyfriend my ex husband’s number for anything… and we have children. Divorce means it’s over. He’s not a person involved in my social, financial, emotional or romantic life at all. He’s not somebody I discuss a lot with other people. Why would I? And my ex is not somebody I would seek out to talk about my current relationship. It’s not his business because we are divorced.

 

[barefoot]

Having read all this thread through, I have to admit, I feel more than a bit confused!

You write lots about what’s happening in your relationship…members here then consistently reflect back to you the same handful of potential red flags that they all notice…and then you make more posts insisting that everything is fine, she’s a great person, you love her, there are healthy boundaries in the relationship…etc etc…

You seem committed to her, sure that she isn’t playing games/manipulating you and determined to stay in a relationship with her. And that’s totally your decision to make. And I wish you well with it (though, for the record, I share the same concerns that pretty much everyone else on this thread has expressed)

I just really don’t see what you’re hoping to get from us in this thread? You say what’s going on, people then make observations and highlight concerns and try to offer food for thought…and you then just defend her and the relationship and insist all is well. Which, you know, you are fully entitled to do. It’s your thread, your relationship, your life. But it does feel a bit like you’re asking questions but we’re not giving you the ‘right’ responses that you want to hear?

I’m genuinely not meaning to sound harsh, so I really hope it doesn’t come across that way. But you keep sharing the same sort of stuff and you keep getting the same sorts of responses…and nothing seems to be sticking at all.

So - what are you really looking for from us here?

 

[Catontheroof]

Having read all this thread through, I have to admit, I feel more than a bit confused!

You write lots about what’s happening in your relationship…members here then consistently reflect back to you the same handful of potential red flags that they all notice…and then you make more posts insisting that everything is fine, she’s a great person, you love her, there are healthy boundaries in the relationship…etc etc…

You seem committed to her, sure that she isn’t playing games/manipulating you and determined to stay in a relationship with her. And that’s totally your decision to make. And I wish you well with it (though, for the record, I share the same concerns that pretty much everyone else on this thread has expressed)

I just really don’t see what you’re hoping to get from us in this thread? You say what’s going on, people then make observations and highlight concerns and try to offer food for thought…and you then just defend her and the relationship and insist all is well. Which, you know, you are fully entitled to do. It’s your thread, your relationship, your life. But it does feel a bit like you’re asking questions but we’re not giving you the ‘right’ responses that you want to hear?

I’m genuinely not meaning to sound harsh, so I really hope it doesn’t come across that way. But you keep sharing the same sort of stuff and you keep getting the same sorts of responses…and nothing seems to be sticking at all.

So - what are you really looking for from us here?

Thank you. I think this is a good community to learn from PTSD. You are right that perhaps I should not ask so much if anyway I still choose to be with her and believe her.

I will stay in the community to learn more about it. I do believe in her,and that she is giving her all in this moment. If I meet a dead end in the future, at least I will know that I tried instead of regretting what could have been.