Relationship Long distance quasi-relationship I care for her deeply, love her, but also I'm in love (She has CPTSD) I will give some background about me

[Sweetpea76]

Because you are not doing what she wants you to do. She is not getting her way.

Some days she tells me if I have bought the ticket already, or if I am truly going on. I said I have not bought it but I'm going. But well... she told me she would not meet new people, but that this did not exclude dating people she knows from the past.

"had you told me you were coming here, were you already here I would not meet anyone"

That she had every right to have it because she is not in a relationship with anyone,

Yesterday I asked her, that if I really went to her in August, if she would not date anyone. She was not able to say anything

She told me she was feeling better but actually she had to rely emotionally on her ex that night.

if I was there all her problems would be over.

If you do not give her what she wants she runs to another man, or threatens to see other men.

 

[Catontheroof]

Interesting. I mean, I see no problem that she sees her ex husband. They were together for seven years and are both foreigners in Germany. It would be worse if she only spoke the worst about him.

Things are ok. The important thing is to have learnt to keep my boundaries.

It is good to see things from a third person perspective.

 

[Mee]

You describe the relationship As a ‘quasi relationship’.

What boundaries or terms have been discussed and set? Are you both viewing the relationship the same way?

Ime online things are very intense and grow fast. That’s not necessarily a bad thing but the distance both enhances communication ( it simply has to happen) and sort of distorts it ( with less fall back to body language and being in social settings with the other there are key missing pieces of a reality and sincerity check) .

 

[Catontheroof]

You describe the relationship As a ‘quasi relationship’.

What boundaries or terms have been discussed and set? Are you both viewing the relationship the same way?

Ime online things are very intense and grow fast. That’s not necessarily a bad thing but the distance both enhances communication ( it simply has to happen) and sort of distorts it ( with less fall back to body language and being in social settings with the other there are key missing pieces of a reality and sincerity check) .

Hello, I told her that boundaries probably were better to not exist since we have not met in person. And that she should strive for her happiness. Then she said that she believes her happiness is with me, and so won't date from here until we met.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I told her that boundaries probably were better to not exist since we have not met in person.

You still need boundaries. It doesn’t matter if you’re physically together or not. PTSD is a selfish disorder, and she will run you over with no boundaries. Boundaries don’t control her behavior, rather they outline your personal limits. You need firm limits when your partner has mental health issues.

 

[Catontheroof]

You still need boundaries. It doesn’t matter if you’re physically together or not. PTSD is a selfish disorder, and she will run you over with no boundaries. Boundaries don’t control her behavior, rather they outline your personal limits. You need firm limits when your partner has mental health issues.

I mean, I told her that if she wanted to be free, then she could openly be so, since we haven't met in person but she keeps insisting that only wants to be with me. And for a part it does seem true, like we spend a long part of the day together.


But she had told me she only used that social network in the past for dating. And yet since some days ago she had entered there again. The trouble is how can I use that as boundary? I mean, I go there online every day and spend a bit of time and also speak with girls. So it is not like regarding that specific webpage I can do something.

But she has promised that she won't meet other men in person. And I'm not forcing, nor I am pretending her to be with me, just be honest.

Could you tell me further what selfish experienced have you suffered because of this?

 

[Sweetpea76]

Boundaries control your behavior, not hers. They’re your limits, and you need to enforce them when they’re broken.

So *you* decide if you’re in a relationship or friends. If you just want to be friends, the tell her you’re friends. If you agree to be in a relationship with her like she wants, then you need to outline your boundaries.

Your boundary would be - I am monogamous in a relationship. If she is involved with other men I will end the relationship.

Or it could be - we are not serious enough for monogamy, so I am fine with her seeing other men. I can accept that.

*You* decide your boundaries and what they mean, then you communicate them to her. She can respect them or not as she chooses, but you need to enforce them if she breaks them. If you cannot accept her seeing other men, then don’t accept it. Walk away.

You have to mean what you say, and say what you mean. She will push and disrespect boundaries until you enforce them.

 

[Catontheroof]

Thanks for more amazing advice.

Well, I think this morning there was a bit of an issue. I mean, I general enter to that webpage of meeting people from other parts. Previously she had left a message on whatsapp telling me how much she loves me and all was all right. Then I wanted to joke a bit, and I asked her: why are you in that website, I saw a guy wrote you. And so she told me, these things are better to speak them on audio and not chat (we had agreed to do this in case of a misunderstanding) so it was cool she recommended this.
So we spoke, and she told me that this is restrictive behavior, that she could send me the screenshots of the conversations if I wanted, and that she has noticed I go online to that webpage every day and she never asks me who am I meeting there, and such. So yeah, it was good to clarify it by voice because I originally intended this to be sort of a joke.

Then what you had said SweetPea76 happened a bit, that she said that she got very rich suitors there and that I'm still not there and that her mom constantly pushes. I asked her, you are free to do with your life whatever you want to do, and she said that she does not want to date those, but to meet me in a couple of months. Both yesterday and today she has told me about what would happen after I'm there, where would we live and such. Would I move there, would she move here. Could she do a master's degree here, this and that.

I mean, for the most part I see no problem with this. I get that every mother wants to marry her daughter with the richest and such. It is just that it bothers me sometimes when she comments on this. And when I express an attitude of "ok, I want you simply to be happy" she comes closer to me.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Because she is saying these things to get a rise out of you… she wants you to be jealous.

 

[Catontheroof]

Because she is saying these things to get a rise out of you… she wants you to be jealous.

Like that I value her further and feel the need to go quicker to her? I understand. Today we spent a good time talking and laughing. Was time for some language lesson :)

I wish you a good week ahead!

 

[Catontheroof]

Good evening, it has been quite a while since I posted here. Ever since, we have got closer and I definitely think on visiting this August. However now an unforseen problem has arisen. As you know, she is not a German native, but from a different Central European country. She went there to live and study, and has been there for quite a while already. She was married to a man for seven years, a man that works in IT field and is also a classical musician. Well, today she told me that he used to physically abuse her and still psychologically abuses her through text messages. She still washes her clothes at her home, because she does not have any close friends in Munich. This man, is at the same time the one that divorced her years ago, and that cheated on her. He has a new girlfriend, a woman with two kids, but she is not in the EU currently, and is waiting to be able to migrate to Germany. Thus this man, is still alone there.

She had been previously given me the number of her Ex in case she had some sort of emergency, and I kept his number, until my phone crashed and deleted many things.
He knew of my existence previously, and she also recurred to him emotionally almost two months ago when we had that episode of break up. Ok, then this week she told him about the plans we have together, and it seems he has not stopped messaging her and acting in a jealous way. For example, today we were doing a video call and this guy kept sending her messages all the time, like "you fall for strangers that are abroad and are only interested in a EU passport" something I don't even care about. To complete with, since she is an introvert and stayed so long with him, the apartment she is currently renting and paying through her own job, also appears on the rent contract under his name and he also had additional keys.

It is not like my feelings for her have changed. Today for example, she started having some sort of episode of thinking I was going to leave her, and we quickly clarified that I'm not. But I did mention that this bothers me. I even said, wouldn't it be better if I stay at a hotel? wouldn't it be better if she goes to me in Prague (as I'm planning on visiting my old study city) to which she declined saying that since she has to work yes or yes, if I don't stay with her we would have much less opportunity to be together.

And I don't know. As I said before, a decade ago I suffered OCD and something that has not clearly cleaned out from me (that was probably even before my OCD episode) is like an irrational fear of being harmed. I don't know if this in its own way, is some sort of traumatic response to having a bunny of mine being killed at school back when I was 13, or being chased through the school by an older student that had a swiss knife with him. But this fear bothers me.... and by his facebook profile he does not appear to be dangerous at all. I mean, he is a classicaly-trained musician with Geeky aspect. But still you know, like I'm on a visiting ground... non EU visitor.... like what could happen?

What is the best I could do? should I ask her to give me his number once again and to speak with him? she is afraid that he will probably most likely try to break our relationship.

 

[somerandomguy]

should I ask her to give me his number once again and to speak with him?

Why in the world would you do that? What possible good could come from this? Why would you try to embed yourself even further into her affairs?

You still seem to be having a lot trouble setting boundaries. People without boundaries get walked over. I don't see any kind of happy ending for you here.