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Relationship Long distance quasi-relationship I care for her deeply, love her, but also I'm in love (She has CPTSD) I will give some background about me

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Why in the world would you do that? What possible good could come from this?
Ditto.

This would be like his girlfriend calling you or any of his ex wife’s friends/boyfriends, not knowing any of you, or her, but still attempting to weigh in on his behalf? It would be totally loca for her to do that.

If you were there, and he was a part of your life… rather than just someone you hear a lot about? It would be different.
 
Why in the world would you do that? What possible good could come from this? Why would you try to embed yourself even further into her affairs?

You still seem to be having a lot trouble setting boundaries. People without boundaries get walked over. I don't see any kind of happy ending for you here.
Thank you. So you just think is a bad idea to visit her?
Ditto.

This would be like his girlfriend calling you or any of his ex wife’s friends/boyfriends, not knowing any of you, or her, but still attempting to weigh in on his behalf? It would be totally loca for her to do that.

If you were there, and he was a part of your life… rather than just someone you hear a lot about? It would be different.
Lol it was crazy advice I had been given.

Uhm, so you just think it is a bad idea to visit her? She has not been offensive towards me on anyway, and we often speak, I mean every day.

I just wonder if it is simply a bad idea to visit her? As mentioned, the guy looks like a total geek, but I have this irrational fear on stressful situations that I will be physically harmed.
 
So you just think is a bad idea to visit her?
I think you should cut your losses entirely and move on to someone who is actually available for you. But this is just the opinion of some rando on the internet.
the guy looks like a total geek
I don't know what this means. I've known many people who have proudly called themselves geeks, and they all shared few if any physical characteristics.
 
What do you think is a healthy relationship?
And what do you think you need to do to be healthy with yourself in a relationship?

I'm asking, because you seem to be asking strangers on the internet about what you should do. Which, I see as different to using a space to mull things over and come up with the answer yourself.

What do you want to do?
Are you happy with how she treats you and makes you feel? If so, go for it. If not (and it seems not given you are on here talking about this), then cut your losses and move on?
 
I mean, he is not physically intimidating and he does not look like uncivilised person by his looks and profession.
Sure of course. I'm not going to cut with her because has shown to be an exceptional human being. I just would like to know, how to handle the ex husband aspect
Yes, I am happy by the way she treats me, and I'm happy by all we can speak, communicate, share. We like the same areas of knowledge. She is sweet, and there hasn't been anything negative regarding her-


I'm just a bit inexperienced in how to handle an ex husband situation. I was out of relationships for quite a while.
 
You have yet to even meet her in person. Right?

She doesn't sound very nice to me. And she is playing immature games with ALL of the men in her life.
That is true, I have not met her in person yet. I don't know if she is playing games. So far what she has told me, has come up to be true. I stopped coming here in the last two weeks because there was not anything strange to speak about. We communicate daily while we are both working, and around my late afternoon / her evening we have been doing a video call every single day. She has not gone out with any other guy, and it is just this situation about her ex husband. She is going this week to her home land and wants to introduce me to her younger sister
 
Are you confident that she's telling you the truth, with this story?
She had been previously given me the number of her Ex in case she had some sort of emergency, and I kept his number, until my phone crashed and deleted many things.
He knew of my existence previously, and she also recurred to him emotionally almost two months ago when we had that episode of break up. Ok, then this week she told him about the plans we have together, and it seems he has not stopped messaging her and acting in a jealous way. For example, today we were doing a video call and this guy kept sending her messages all the time, like "you fall for strangers that are abroad and are only interested in a EU passport" something I don't even care about.
I ask because she's demonstrated some triangulating already, and it wouldn't be out of character for her to lie to you about her ex's behavior.
To complete with, since she is an introvert and stayed so long with him, the apartment she is currently renting and paying through her own job, also appears on the rent contract under his name and he also had additional keys.
It's possible that she is still quite entangled with this ex...and it's possible that she is using you in some attempt to make him jealous. I'm not saying that's the case? But certainly, she's not demonstrating any skills in stable, adult partnership.
It is not like my feelings for her have changed. Today for example, she started having some sort of episode of thinking I was going to leave her, and we quickly clarified that I'm not. But I did mention that this bothers me. I even said, wouldn't it be better if I stay at a hotel? wouldn't it be better if she goes to me in Prague (as I'm planning on visiting my old study city) to which she declined saying that since she has to work yes or yes, if I don't stay with her we would have much less opportunity to be together.
Bottom line: she's not concerned about your feelings of unsafely, and she's not willing to consider accommodating you on this trip - which would be the most reasonable and realistic way to avoid tension with this ex.

Even that she gave you the number of her ex in case of an emergency - while you are still only an online contact, and you're in different countries (if I'm remembering correctly)...I'm very sorry to say it, but I think it's very possible that she's simply using you, either for her own dysfunctional needs for attention, or to serve her dysfunctional enmeshment with her ex.

It's possible that I'm completely wrong. But at a minimum, she's consistently demonstrating emotional manipulation, and that's a relationship habit that takes a lot of work to change. She doesn't seem fully aware of her own issues.

Edit to add:
I just would like to know, how to handle the ex husband aspect
She has not gone out with any other guy, and it is just this situation about her ex husband.
If nothing else, I can tell you this: Her situation with her ex-husband is HER situation, not yours. And I think the fact that she tells you he's angry and jealous, but also tells you to still come to the city where she is, and that his name is still on her lease? This means, she's not actually free and clear of that marriage, and it would be better for her to sort herself out before you go further with her, romantically.

Ex-husband situations are MUCH much more complex than any "other guy" situation can be. There's no 'just' about it, in my experience and opinion. It's OK that you don't know that - but I hope you can take it into consideration. I do hear you, saying how much you enjoy her company and how special your connection is. That can be true, and ALSO she can still be wrapped up in feelings for her ex. Better for the both of you if she gets some clarity for herself and more disconnection from the ex.
 
Ok, she wanted to speak on Skype some minutes ago as she was feeling bad. And so, we did.

She tells me that her ex husband would like her in general not to date other men, but she had another relationship after being with her ex (she divorced two years ago) she also said she will stop washing clothes at her ex's house and see where else she can do it. She told me she has two jobs and also works, and is an adult so she has the right to date who ever she wishes and in general to live her life, that this it not her ex's business nor I should care about being liked b hhim.

The number of her ex... I asked her once about it because she had had an emergency with her contact lenses, and I thought it would be good to have a number I could call in case she had any other emergency.

Emotionally speaking, she has told me that she misses the sensations she felt with her ex boyfriend from a year ago, that moved back to his country. From how she speaks and how she mentions it, comes to my mind like it was a happy experience.

She told me that for the last year she had chosen to not feel emotions because in relationships she is a mess and needs therapy. But that also choosing to avoid sensations completely was not working for her, because running away from fears does not work.

What else? told me that it is about caring and loving her, that I should not care about the opinion of her ex, because that is what he is. Also, the new woman of that ex is soon arriving there.


She sent me the link to her Quora profile, questions and answers she has been involved. By looking at her history there, I don't think she is really using me. I mean, telling it to outsiders might look outlandish or not real. But I have seen proof of her having two jobs, and also studying at the university. The free time she has, she almost completely spends it talking together.

She has insights of what she has, in the sense that she was realising we were not having a discussion, just talking, and that her traumatic experiences came afloat and that is why everything looked so bad in that moment. She is trying hard, and I love her. Maybe to you guys it might sound like I'm completely dumb or naive.
 
You need to do what you want to do. It's your life. We're strangers on an internet site giving relationship advice! So, you know, take it all with that in mind.

I'm struggling to see how this is as a result of her cptsd. Because a lot of what you wrote about her and your feelings are more about her personality than her being symptomatic? But perhaps that's me misunderstanding.
 
I personally smell BS. I don’t know her or you, but it seems like games.

If her ex is a horrible, controlling, abusive person, why is she going over to his house to do laundry? She doesn’t have any change for a laundromat? Why doesn’t she move out of the apartment “he can legally access.” Why doesn’t she block his number if he is harassing her?

If he is abusive why is she going to him for any kind of comfort?

If they’re divorced he has no right to do anything to or with her anymore. Divorce is legally binding. He’s not her husband anymore. If they don’t have kids he has no need to contact her. She needs to make her own way like any other adult.

In my opinion she is trying to make you jealous. Sounds like more of the same as she was doing before.
 
You need to do what you want to do. It's your life.

I'm struggling to see how this is as a result of her cptsd. Because a lot of what you wrote about her and your feelings are more about her personality than her being symptomatic? But perhaps that's me misunderstanding
Thank you, I know how to set some boundaries.

I mean, her life has not been easy, and I'm meeting her yes or yes. If I don't, I will always regret what might have been.

Since she commited she has not been speaking to other guys.

What is her real CPTSD? It is being left behind and entering abusive relationships. She also has body dysphoria. And has a notion that she is never good enough. All this she has told me.


Not related to this, but where can I speak about my own trauma? xD
 
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