Not sure- therapy relationship concerns (again)

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
IDK. I’ve been through a lot with my therapist and it’s a complicated relationship. I try and stay with she’s actually trying to help me and I believe that. She’s human though, and she’s a survivor as well. Nothing’s easy is it? I hope it goes ok and you can work it out. I like you, hate even the thought of trying to look for a therapist or worse, being between therapists.
 

Muttly

MyPTSD Pro
Went and emailed some Ts and asked some questions. Took a suggestion of @Friday from earlier in this thread. Since everything is still pretty much virtual I've cast my net a bit farther from where I live than I normally would. I looked for Ts who say they do virtual therapy. If/when face to face becomes an option again maybe I can drive out to see them once a month and do remote otherwise? Something to cosnider enough

You feeling like you are betraying them is probably partly bc they fed this caretaker dynamic with you and bc they injected so much of their actual not therapist self into the relationship. Y

I dunno. I mean, part of me says yes but to be fair we liked that caretaker relationship to a degree? And we are overly loyal to anyone.

Of course your littles are stirred up. This therapist nurtured that part of the relationship but it sounds like she also became parental in a way that didn't really serve your system as a whole.

Sigh. Not sure if I've talked about this in this thread. That she said she was walking a fine line and was maternal. Like she was trying to keep it balanced. But it twigged us a bit when she said it. It came up more than once.

our instincts are working properly there, and if you're anything like me it's very helpful to hear that kind of feedback when we are feeling out of sorts and confused.

Really do appreciate it. It's helpful to hear. Thank you, it definitely didn't make things harder.

And maybe you have outgrown her?

Hmn... I like thinking about it this way. Seems like it's less like a problem In our relationship I should be trying to fix and more like a progression that can happen. Not sure that makes any sense.
You may want to give your T the heads up; lack of clarity and consistency with how and when you'll reply to emails has been problematic for me (reduced trust, caused confusion and distress, etc).

I don't think right at this moment I have it in me to do this. I'll think on this. But I ... I don't want to come across as always criticizing her. Ok, stalled here.
What does "freaking out" mean to you?

freaking out when you're a therapist means being in reactive mode instead of professional. I mean I guess that's still sort of vague but I guess it's important. I understand Ts are going to have emotion and sometimes it's been helpful to see T be distressed over something I've shared. It's helped me grasp what I should be feeling, that it was a big deal, things like that. There's a difference between that and a T telling me multiple times she was traumatized by things I shared. There's a difference between saying I'm scared for you and am going to set boundaries and her going on a long charged ramble. There's a difference between being concerned and asking questions and being concerned and drawing conclusions too.


For purely practical reasons, can you stick with your T, say for continued support managing present-day issues as they wax and wane, till you find a good alternative?

Yes, I was planning to. Although I don't see her until the end of May so ... feels like I'm a bit on my own to manage present-day issues.
 

Muttly

MyPTSD Pro
I try and stay with she’s actually trying to help me
I missed your post. I do believe she wants to help I'm just not sure it is helping me anymore. And hasn't been for some time. When I think about our relationship nowadays it doesn't feel helpful it feels uncertain and confusing (and maybe disappointing).
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
Hmn... I like thinking about it this way. Seems like it's less like a problem In our relationship I should be trying to fix and more like a progression that can happen. Not sure that makes any sense.
Second what @Friday says: makes total sense.

Really great you have reached out to other Ts. Having the choice of remote and then future a mixture of in person/remote is a really good option.

Really looking forward to hearing how all this goes for you.
 

Rumors

MyPTSD Pro
I still can't help but believe your relationship with your therapist is trumping why you are in therapy.... If I spent as much time worrying about my "relationship" with my therapist on that level I wouldn't go to therapy. That seems daunting, endless, and negative none of which helps with healing. I hope you find someone new that can focus your energy on to healthier cognitions.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
I missed your post. I do believe she wants to help I'm just not sure it is helping me anymore. And hasn't been for some time. When I think about our relationship nowadays it doesn't feel helpful it feels uncertain and confusing (and maybe disappointing).
Yes I understand and I’ve felt that way and I challenge her and she satisfies me I guess. We just experienced a major breakthrough event I hope and so I feel now I was correct in sticking it out. I wanted to quit her. I understand also that it’s a relationship and its very intimate. We are discussing CSA and incest and how do I feel about all that and how it’s impacting me now with sex and everything so, I’ve had to trust her on a level I’ve never trusted another person before. I hope it works out and whatever happens I hope it gets easier for you.
 
E

Elsie64

I am having the exact same thing happening. I have been having trust issues for the first time with my therapist. She recently got back to work on 4/12 due to having Covid-19. She was out sick on March 24th, which was 16 days after the last time that I saw her, and then I waited another 19 days until the 12th of April. During that time, I texted her, trying to see how she was doing. The last time I got a response, she had been in the hospital and had just gotten home. After that, I got no responses to my texts. I got really scared, thinking that she might be in the hospital again, or that she had died; my anxiety was through the roof, and I felt so sad and hurt that she was not responding at all. She told me that she had to turn off her phone because so many clients were texting her that she could not get any rest. I understood that, but now she does not respond to any texts, still. She could not make an appointment for me after our last session on 4/21 because her computer program was not working. Said she would text me an appointment time later, when it was working. I waited and waited, but no text. I suppose it may still not be working, but I have been feeling hurt; probably from other issues.
 

Muttly

MyPTSD Pro
Yes I understand and I’ve felt that way and I challenge her and she satisfies me I guess.

I wish T would satisfy me when I challenge her but that has stopped happening.

She could not make an appointment for me after our last session on 4/21 because her computer program was not working. Said she would text me an appointment time later, when it was working. I waited and waited, but no text. I suppose it may still not be working, but I have been feeling hurt; probably from other issues.

I'm sorry that's going on. It's really hard to be in limbo. She's probably got a lot going on with backlog from being out, may still be working to recover her energy, etc. Try to hold onto that thought and remember it's not necessarily about your relationship with her. Have you heard from her? How long since you last reached out?
 

Starfire

Confident
I have another thread about my relationship with my therapist. Some basic facts. I've been seeing her for years. After years of paying, I had some huge financial constraints and she gave me free sessions for a time. Now she gives them to me at a hugely reduced rate. I wish that didn't matter, but it does to me. T went through a lot of stuff. Illness of husband, several surgeries, etc. So she had life going on. I went through a lot of life stuff too. And then there's covid. Since then things haven't been as good. I've always found T about flaky. Once therapy started she would be focused and super insightful. But some of the admin, and getting into therapy mode could be all over the place. Once covid hit and we went to telehealth sessions that got worse.

She has always asked for emails between sessions. She either wasn't getting or wasn't reading emails. She was taking for ever to settle down and focus when we had our sessions. She also just didn't seem as mentally present. One day it was especially bad and she joked that she was only that way with us. I guess that triggered us or something. One of our parts finally said something to her about it in an email. We made the mistake of using the word flaky and she took offense and took it to mean things we didn't mean. A lot of talking and we worked things out?

Back to the money and sliding scale. One of the things she talked about was how much money she has not charged us and how she squeezes us in and often it's when she'd take a lunch break. Which... a snarky, defensive whatever part of us wants to protest because we schedule online. So unless she sees us on the schedule and then opens up other appointments it doesn't seem right. Anyway, we are just being difficult. She said she was telling us about the money, not to make us feel bad, But to explain why she took time transitioning into schedules. And to show how committed she was and that if it wasn't working for us, we really needed to do something different.

So, after talking things were better but not great. Then I *briefly* got involved in some unhealthy, for me, bdsm stuff. I pulled out and got into a healthy bdsm relationship. T has freaked out though and sent a very hurtful email. I get why she freaked out. In the past I was in a very harmful bdsm relationship which was re-traumatizing me.I get the need for caution and expected questions and concern. I wanted that becuase I knew it's good to have reality checks. She now admits the email she wrote was hastily written. There were prior emails from me with info she didn't receive because of some server issues. There were emails from me she didn't read. She says that she was reactive and didn't have all the info. That email and some subsequent conversation, before we sorted things has broken a lot of trust.

So, I'm still in the bdsm relationship. I am still willing to have conversations about it. T keeps saying she doesn't know what's going on and if it's healthy but I keep talking about it and telling her. That's hard. I feel unheard. It is different than past, unhealthy relationships. In our last session I pointed out to T that none of our insiders are saying there's a problem. No one is panicking or feeling hurt. T says every single session that she's traumatized by the unhealthy bdsm relationship I had and feels protective and is acting out of that feeling. I feel like she's stuck. I mean, I'm still willing to allow the possibility that I'm in the biggest case of denial I've ever been in. I don't think so though. And even if I am, what's happening isn't shifting me from that.

It's not just that though. I sent her an email before session like she has asked for. And it was kind of a big deal. I had surgery and it was an update on that as well as talking about other things. When our session started T said I hadn't sent an email in a long time. I reminded her about the email I'd sent (a few days ago). At first she seemed skeptical. I knew she'd gotten it because she'd replied and said she'd reply more later. (she almost never does, when she says that). She then said she'd gotten it but hadn't read it. So I started to talk about surgery and how there had to be a second surgery and she interjected and said she had read the email. And ok, great. But it just is kind of discombobulating. Things like that happen moderately often. And I don't want to send her emails anymore. Even though she has asked for them. There's been too many issues. The server is fixed so she's getting all my emails but I'm kind of done?

Also, she talked some about her dog dying. And I feel like a shit but I am tired of hearing about her shit. I mean, she's had a ton going on. I know that. And I feel really bad her dog died. But it seems like there's always something. The session before that she mentioned how she was working from breakfast to bed time without a break and was exhausted. It's not like she goes on and on about that stuff. It tends to be a brief interlude but it's always making me conscious of the fact she's struggling in life. And I start thinking since I barely pay her anything I should just stop seeing her. At least it would be one last burden on her (ok, that I know is old tapes). Bah, I'm probably just being horribly insensitive and unappreciative.

Maybe I take a break. Maybe I wait until telehealth disappears and see if that makes a difference. It was better when we were in person. Also, I'd be able to pay her more because insurance isn't paying anything for telehealth as she's out of network. I don't know. Maybe I'm just using these issues as an excuse to avoid therapy?

ETA- Much of the time things are good. We do focus on therapy. We talk about issues. I'm making things sound worse than they are.
You did not make het offer reduced rate. Her decision. You did not make her squeeze you in. Her decision. Sounds like she was trying to make you responsible or guilty for her decisions.
 

Muttly

MyPTSD Pro
Thank you all. I have a consult with a T to see if it could be a good fit. I should probably be figuring out what I want to ask her. I can't seem to plan anything out though. Haven't felt like posting here either. I just am sort of in survival mode.

I have no idea if it will be a good fit. don't have a great sense of her. it's a two hour drive away so we'd be doing most sessions remotely. she says she works with other DID clients. She was referred by another therapist I'd reached out to who said she did not. Other than that I got one, "not taking new clients and it wouldn't be a good fit" response and a whole lot of non-response.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
It's really proactive of you to reach out. And it's great she is experienced with DID. It's also good other people have said they are not equipped, so as not to waste your time.

Maybe show the T your list of needs from a T? I thought that was excellent.
 
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