I agree! I think
@littleoc likely posted to get other people's opinions and perceptions to help narrow down his own, so I just offered up how I feel about it and tossed that into the ring. I don't have any expectation that anyone here needs to conform to my moral alignment.
Yes, please, keep debating though because it helps me think about it. :P
I'm still not mentally settled on this matter and have been thinking it over deeply before responding to anyone. I can tell something isn't right, but I can't tell if it's me, if it's one of them, or if something is bothering me for some unexplained reason :/
While thinking about it and reading everyone's posts, I decided to sit down and try to decide what things bother me, regardless of if I think it's reality or if I'm secretly sinning or secretly an evil mastermind in disguise. Or whatever it is that's bothering me.
I think my PTSD was triggered. And I think I felt uncomfortable, and I don't think it was entirely me or entirely either of them. So, it's been difficult to decide on.
I do agree with everyone who wonders if I'm internally hoping to save her. There were yellow flags, not any red flags except for communication issues -- possibly on my end, as I'm autistic/etc (though they are both neurodivergent as well)
I had an epiphany last night about what it felt like, which might be helpful. Again, I felt like I did something wrong, and I was anxious and upset.
Which is one problem. I don't want to become a traumatic agent in someone else's life in any way, obviously, but I'm hyper sensitive to worrying about it. OCD, maybe? And, equally related, I've never had a new type of sex without extreme feelings of shame, confusion, disappointment, dirtiness, etc. When I was presenting as a woman, I'd hide that I'd EVER had even a sexual thought.
I only THIS WEEK realized that those are all the same feelings I had after being sexually assaulted. There was always some new thing to take in, when I was a child (age 10-11), some new sex culture to digest and learn about, etc. When I was assaulted by a woman in college and a manager above me when I was a manager in a theater, I had those same feelings.
My mom was raised Catholic, and my dad Jewish, and I was never close with dad, but his parents were very "sex is inappropriate at all costs" despite. Well I won't waste words on that
not important. Just imagine two immigrants, one Catholic Irish and the other Ukrainian/Russian Jew, and their expectations for their kids and grandkids lol
Anyway -- I am also asexual ("ace") and aromatic ("aro") (aka "aroace") and have struggled to deal with sexual frustration as a result. Mainly because any time I have friends, my libido goes from literally nothing to 90-100, but I don't want to sleep with anyone unless I form a romantic bond. Not out of morals but because of how my brain works.
I other words, my ability to experiment with sex over the years has been unusually limited (not to mention the years I ONLY knew I was queer, and therefore figured I was a lesbian -- my sexuality is still a topic I feel unsettled about, which is no big deal, but I'm pretty sure I'm a gay man now at least)
And as well as limited, my limited experience as also been violent. And I'm re-experiencing that emotional discomfort of being assaulted each time, I guess?
Maybe because I'm asexual, get upset that I didn't enjoy sex despite wanting to, because "ace problems," and then get frustrated with myself?
And that's just 1 of several potential issues I've found while examining myself about this issue.
Issue 1 is obviously neither of their faults. That's all me, baybee.
I think the others are too, technically, in that I'm the one experiencing the reactions even if it turned out I WAS being forced to save someone else.
I agree with everyone who feels that I feel that I might be trying to save someone, speaking of.
Second issue (issue 2) is simply that I got triggered. Which is also the case for issue 3 but issue 3 is less obvious? But issue 2 is that I heard Guy say the phrase "mature for her age."
In part of trying to figure out my former relationship back at age 10 with a pedophile, and whether it was wrong simply because it's wrong morally, because of society, or something else, I've deeply struggled (and continue to struggle) with "right" versus "wrong" about the whole thing. And hearing the phrase "she's so mature for her age" really, really freaked me out.
And issue 3 that I've been able to identify is that I feel like I'm walking into some sort of cult that's trying to make me see its ways, and is something that in a scary story makes the readers upset that there is no point of safety possible after a certain point, because of a mistake/bad decision a character makes.
Such as in 1408 by Stephen King, where a man is warned several times not to stay in room 1408, and then by the end of the film/book, the character is trapped forever and/or until they commit suicide. That kind of uneasy feeling.
I am not saying that's 100% what's going on with them and is why I feel this way. I just mean that something has caused me to feel that type of unease powerfully enough that "accidentally walking on the edge of a cult and risking getting sacrificed and/or trapped" is how it feels to my brain and body.
I think the specific event I would cite is when Guy was showing me around their house after I was quizzed playfully on where to find every pulse (to summarize). He led me to a home office, and opened a closet full of supplies and dummies and such, and started talking about his experience as an EMT. Wife was with us, excitedly showing me house stuff as well, and said the phrase, "oh, if you don't know everything about CPR and etc etc etc now, you'll be an expert soon." Then Guy went on to explain that he does lessions, drills, etc, and everyone in his home knows what to do in an emergency.
I have known EMTs and have certainly not experienced that before. I have a special interest in safety -- that's absolutely no issue to me.
It just felt.... odd? I remember as a child inviting my first friend over for a sleepover. My dad started giving out vitamins, like he did every single night, and gave some to my friend as well. My friend, my age at 12-13, got uncomfortable and said she wasn't going to take any pills from an adult that wasn't her mom.
My dad said, "Oh, well, you should. They're vitamins, and children need vitamins."
And I responded, "He gives everyone vitamins! You'll be used to it soon :)"
Which, in retrospect, is horrifying, but yes, me and my siblings were all given multivitamins. We were drugged/poisoned by our dad sometimes, but the vitamins really were vitamins, so how was a kid supposed to know.
She does NOT strike me as mature for her age. That is not my business, and I am not meaning to insult her. She seems hard working and determined for her age. Maturity is a lie, as far as I can understand it, and to me it just seems like she's a new adult who's still a kid who feels incredibly happy to be out of a bad situation at home and free to do exciting new things. She's a manager in a grocery store already and takes her job seriously. She likely acts adult-like because of her childhood and abusive mother, with no father in the picture and every sibling she had adopted out while her mom was "stuck" being forced to raise her because dad could not be located.
Meanwhile, Guy doesn't raise red flags. Some yellow, yes, but nothing so concerning that I felt like I needed to block anyone or run. I noticed he's got a lot of physical scars, from being abused, and he's a little hard for me to communicate with because he's not amazing at it (and I tend to need things spelled out -- autism). There have already been some mistakes related to that, but absolutely no assaults or abuse or even questionable acts/decisions.
If anything, hes childlike himself, from also having abusive parents and a dad who abandoned him with a narcissist (the mother).
Wife is also permanently disabled from abuse, especially parental addictions. One major injury from before age 10 almost made her lose her ability to walk forever, and while she IS able to walk today, the effects just physically are permanent.
He seems to have similar injuries.
As in, it seems incredibly likely that they're both stunted from dangerous childhoods and he genuinely thinks Wife is mature for her age. When I first met him in person, I was shocked at how tall he was, and then overtime shocked at how much I felt like I was dealing with someone younger than me.
They both are deeply worried about safety. They have security cameras outside AND inside the house, with a bullet proof safe room (with a weapon inside) with screens. Inside also contains life-saving supplies.
One of Guy's "hobbies" is going to protests and doing emergency medicine on people hurt in any way by police during their protest.
They both have multiple phone numbers to hide their real numbers.
They've made sure it will be practically impossible for their birth parents to ever locate them again.
My twin brother's abusive-in-the-past wife did way, way less preventative measures, but my brother wasn't afraid of anyone.
Yet, I found him to be naive in unusual ways. For example, when his address on Google maps (satellite and street view) led to an open field with a singular truck parked in it, I sent pictures of him to my best friend as well as his phone number, where he told me to meet, and I checked with him multiple times. He told me to park in a restaurant parking lot and then walk behind it, so I drove there to make sure I wouldn't want to speed away while being on the phone with a friend, not because I was terrified but for good measure, and he turned out to legitimately have a house back there.
He seemed utterly oblivious that anyone would have found that unusual
Otherwise, like I've said, no red flags. He's safe, he's sane, he's good at concent with some minor issues that are common and not suspicious.
Most issues have been on my end.
Or, maybe they have. It's only been like a month of knowing this guy in person, so obviously there isn't much information to go off of?
So. Yeah. I guess that leaves if I actually enjoyed it.
Trying to sleep with a woman, no. The man, sure, but I keep bleeding so much that he's afraid he's hurting me and he stops. He's had to put extra blankets down because I bleed a freaking cup or more, so I'm completely understanding of that.
Despite having some fun, I'm not getting pleasure from it, see above, and inviting someone I had only met that day (Wife) increased my discomfort. I did try anyway, because they're chill enough to be okay with someone doing that, but nah, afterward I felt odd again.
I have someone else I occasionally mess around with, someone in another city I have known for years. We have extremely clear boundaries as well and he seems to know what he's doing enough that sometimes I DO get pleasure from it, though nothing that would lead to anything even ⅒ of what might give someone an orgasm. So I'm not sure what's up and I don't know what I want. I'm thinking about asking them for their relationship goals and trying to evaluate mine, because I'm noticing mainly that I want to stick with my strictly platonic bestie and not change my life for anyone ("aro problems" and also probably autism, can't imagine changing my schedule for anyone even if I wanted to)
In summary, it's all very confusing and I'm not sure I'm getting anywhere helpful by thinking on it?
But at least wanted to acknowledge everyone and thank you all for your posts because I think it helps me think about it and reframe.
I will say personally that I think 19 is too young for me. I once denied sex with a different friend, while interested, because it felt like I was his high school teacher or a professor to him or something. He was 19 when we met and the second time he asked he was just turning 21. I'm 6-7 years older than him, and while I don't worry about age gaps, I do worry that he's trauma bond with me real hard and our relationship would become completely toxic.
I know that's not everyone. I was almost the boyfriend of a man who is 30 years older than me last summer, decided against it for now, but point being I don't see a problem with age gaps in general. (Except for the man who was the same age and looked like my grandfather. Very handsome, but, uh, noooo lol.)
Thank you if you read/skimmed this far :)
Not sure where to take this long ass post from here so, uh, fun fact, the "brain isn't finsihed developing until age 25" turned out to be pseudoscience, unfortunately. Turns out ALL brains are still developing and the man who decided that incorrect fact just stopped looking at people after that age lol
I really wish it was simple to know! but no, we all keep developing forever until we die lol
As my best friend has said, a lot of things are questionable for a reason. As he put it, it is generally unacceptable to marry or date a minor because of the potential harm. But, if we could somehow do a little bloodtest or brain scan to magically see where every individual is at, MAYBE it's fine SOMETIMES, THEORETICALLY, but because there's no way to ever know for sure AND no governing body or leader could ever test every single person ever, AND the results can either be pretty good, neutral, or DOWNRIGHT AWFUL AND EVIL, it's generally going to be frowned upon. But there will still be odd outliers like Athens... but obviously I don't care about that type of culture for this discussion.
He and I both agreed in the way past that it would be hard to date a teenager, young adult, or new adult, AS an adult (and we're not even 30 yet). Not because it's not possible to love someone entirely for who they are, and who they grow to become over several decades, but because there are SO many differences between a new adult and an "established" adult? Like, yes, there are differences between the 50yo man and I, but they are way less significant than me, 28-29, and someone ten years younger than me. It doesn't feel right? Although, yeah, good time to start mingling with adults and getting a feel for things with experienced people, but. Idk.
I don't even know what I'm trying to accomplish while I ramble, so I'm going to stop now. Thanks, everyone, for the thoughtful comments
) That’s personal preference.
