A wtf situation? Opinions? - Concerns About Age Gap & Other Issues In Poly Relationship

[Workingonit]

I am probably talking out of my rear because maybe talking about it is a temporary stopgap that stops working after a while but if putting this all down and it didn't help is it possible you have feelings for the person you won't even admit to yourself?

 

[littleoc]

I have no idea :/

But yes, writing it down helped :)

 

[Movingforward10]

I think that amazing processing. You’ve worked out three areas that make you feel things. Some of those, you might feel in any new relationship? (The first two).
the last one: the cult thing. i was first thinking, oh that must be the full time kink. But then you spoke about his obsession with CPR. and I find it odd. But maybe it’s how innocent that is? I.e. whether this is something he is super keen about (innocent), or whether this is something he forces people to do? the way you write about them it does sound like they are quite paranoid and intense. Maybe they have reason to be, maybe they don’t?

maybe you don’t need to make a decision either way. But take your time thinking it all through.

 

[littleoc]

Thank you :)

I feel like this right now:

(I am being funny)

I think the main part bothering me, when it comes down to it, is that I'm personally not comfortable with her being SO young. The fact that I feel like I could be her college professor does not help. I see her as a new adult, not an established adult, and while categories are just frames of reference and not something sitting in reality, and no one ever fits into simple categories or else we'd have world peace by now, it troubles me.

I suppose the more I learn about them, the better.

I had previously thought I was going to break it off with him before I even met her afpñter our first meeting, because I became worried that he wasn't good at communication.

It turns out that was on me -- HE didn't say or do anything, it's just that after talking to my best friend about what was making me uncomfortable THEN, before I had ever met his wife, Bestie pointed out that I need to make sure my boundaries stay clear 100% of the time, and have I tried talking to him like a human instead of just assuming I need to do everything he says just because he's got a kink about it?

So I told him some things weren't working for me over text, and he responded very positively and suggested other things we could try instead.

He's probably got PTSD as well, he's not diagnosed but he hasn't gotten that far yet -- they're just now at the part where they escaped from a bad place (both families were abusive) and have a home, again, 700 miles away. So, neither of them are going to be perfect yet because she's just now making enough money to consider getting into therapy. She asked me where I go and everything. He's learning how to communicate at the same rate as someone much younger than bother of us.

Which is likely why I was confused about his age as well at first and thought he was either exactly my age (I am not bragging, I'm just both better and worse at communicating lol) or younger

That said, I can sense a large power difference, but I think it's in my head? Hard to know when you've barely gotten to know someone.

Like, earlier today I was going to tell you all that he wants to be dominate in any relationship -- as a kink thing. But the things he's dominant about are like, can I put my sweater on before I cook dinner for everyone? And he says no, so you "have" to cook naked

As in, little things. Not control over someone's finances or anything -- they have separate bank accounts etc (as far as I understand), but little things that make him feel in control of a body and mind, without being abusive.

It includes safe words. He knows mine, I think I actually forgot his, and one issue I had was that I didn't know his wife's and therefore wanted to check every 5 minutes that no one felt pressured to be around me lol

I'm finding I'm not as kinky as I thought I might be, which is fine, maybe it takes practice or whatever, I'm obviously still experimenting -- but. Him being an EMT and caring a whole lot about safety, like more than the average ambulance driver I've met or been friends with before, I already know he cares about the whole, "safe, sane, and concentual" tagline. All I had to do was be like, "on reflection I haven't liked much so far," but obviously I am saying it much more politely.

My thing, which is a me problem, is that I am worried I'll hurt his feelings or accidentally make him feel weird by not liking a lot of kinks (aka worried I'll accidentally kink shame on accident accidentally not even on purpose) or he'll continue to trust me and I'll somehow mysteriously let him down and ruin any chance of just being friends if I decide that's what I want instead. Because, you know, being ace (asexual) often comes with a lot of guilt about wanting to do things but just. Not enjoying it. And wishing I did lol

The antidepressants make that feel more odd, as has my bleeding (I'm seeing a doctor on Tuesday in the new year to see if everything is okay, as well as get an STI test)

I did see when asked that Wife wanted to go back to sleep, and Guy "made her" stay awake for sexual activity, which alarmed me at first, until I remembered she has a safe word. I should have asked for it immediately so that's my bad, they probably thought I had already gotten it or maybe I did and I forgot? Lol

And anyway, the thing that made me not end up saying what I was going to say earlier about that, excluding the safe words bit -- he is not opposed to being submissive, it's just that Wife is a sub 100% and not interested in trying any other role

So, yeah, mostly I'm psychoanalysizing someone else's relationship without having any of the qualifications to do so. But I did tell them I felt honored that they'd trust me with where the safe room is, and warned them I'd never used a weapon before so probably wouldn't be a threat anyway lol

 

[Sideways]

Because, you know, being ace (asexual) often comes with a lot of guilt about wanting to do things but just. Not enjoying it. And wishing I did lol

There’s a shittonne you’re figuring out about yourself!

If it helps? That’s totally normal. Some people don’t bother, but lots of people spend a big chunk of their adult life exploring new things, and figuring out what they enjoy sexually. It doesn’t get a huge amount of coverage on this particular forum, but it’s a pretty big part of a looooot of the population’s private life.

Having read your posts, you’ve got me totally confused about your sexuality, so I can only imagine what it’s like for you. Asexual, aromantic, but also gay, and a strong libido around friends specifically. Add the consequences of being introduced to physically traumatic sex as a routine at a young age. Talk about complicated, right!?

Things I know are very common for that kind of traumatic history: being asexual, and (seperately) not being able to orgasm. Very common.

My personal experience, if it helps - one of my alters needs sex. For whatever reason. With pretty much anyone will do, so long as they’re into it. She can have a pretty aggressive libido. So, I go there if I can organise it to work out with my other parts. But it’s fairly tedious, and a low priority most of the time.

Because the rest of me? None of my other parts have any interest in sex whatsoever. Zero libido. Not alone, not in sexually charged environments, not around immensely attractive men or women, not watching porn (which is the definition of pointless when you’re asexual!). Not ever. And, to me, that’s asexual. No interest. Can’t think of a bigger waste of time and energy. And when I do have sex, unless it’s that one part fronting, I will literally lie there wondering how long till this pointless, sweaty exercise is over. Asexual.

Relationships, for me, are for interpersonal connection, support, meaning, and fun, and sex just complicates that for me, and means I have to take an extra shower outside my usual routine and probably won’t get as much sleep as I could be getting if…

I’m totally okay with that. Asexual me really does wonder why anyone bothers. Why are you bothering?!

If it were me (and it’s not, so you can totally disregard all of this!), if you want to explore sex, and what you enjoy? Go get it! Have some fun. But if it’s not fun? Ask yourself why you’re doing it. Because it’s not actually necessary. And apart from OnlyFans, people only bother with sex because of how good it feels.

And second, to whatever extent you can, while you’re exploring what you like, try to be as open-minded about the people you’re exploring with as you need them to be with you.

From experience? Pretty much everyone has the capacity to look psychologically unhinged once they let you see their kinky side. The second you bring psychoanalysis in, everyone has a great big “you’ll need to explain” situation going on.

ETA: that’s probably over-sharing. But, maybe the conversation helps you figure out what you like and want:)

 

[littleoc]

Yes, thank you, everything helps

 

[Friday]

It seems like there’s an awful lot of pressure for these two to be “the one” in terms of people you want to learn/play/experiment &/or like/respect/possibly even grow to love.

Are they “just” some of the first people in your journey, so you don’t feel comfortable in nop’ing out with people who have a Santa’s naughty list of problems associated with them, to find people you’re better suited with… or something else I’m not seeing?

 

[Rose White]

nop’ing out with people who have a Santa’s naughty list of problems associated with them

This just tickles me—gonna stash it in the toolbox of discernment.

 

[littleoc]

It seems like there’s an awful lot of pressure for these two to be “the one” in terms of people you want to learn/play/experiment &/or like/respect/possibly even grow to love.

Are they “just” some of the first people in your journey, so you don’t feel comfortable in nop’ing out with people who have a Santa’s naughty list of problems associated with them, to find people you’re better suited with… or something else I’m not seeing?

I think it's something else, to be honest, but you're welcome to speculate!

I find them both to be very interesting. She seems like the type of be close platonic friends with (which is like most people) or metamor or however it's spelled (the name of the person who is mutually dating your boo, because obviously it doesn't work IDC you hate each other lol), and he's really interesting to me. Black man with racist, narcisist mother, but got away and is still nice anyway, is an EMT who is UNUSUALLY obsessed with safety (EMTs I've known in the past have been safe enough but often traumatized AND often desensitized to a point where I've felt like I had to help with pets and children, long story short, because it's like convincing a farmer to go to the doctor but with themselves and those around them they're in charge of), is intereating to talk to and hang out with, has a good vibe, etc

I do identify as aromantic, rather than a romantic :P, because it can take me years to even find someone that triggers that response in my brain. Which is very frustrating.

And I'm okay with never finding "the one(s)" if it means I get to live my life how I want to. Aka, if someone is too much drama, I'd rather try being friends or not being in contact at all, than changing my entire routine to accommodate a person who I may or may not ever develop a romantic attraction towards.

I do have a friend with benefits, though he's disabled enough that it's mainly just messing around with no goal of climax in mind.

I feel a bit unfocused today, pardon me if I'm rambling or answering the wrong question, I'm in the middle of trying different doses of a medication to see what works for my brain to make it focus enough to be able to do basic tasks, but anyway:

I think I just was so startled about the age gap, despite it being legal, that I wasn't sure if I needed to intervene or if I needed to mind my own business, or if I had accidentally done something horrible?

I COULD ghost them but they both feel younger than me and I hate hurting people. Not that I'm incapable of it if it's the only way (like telling my unhinged friend I will never date him because he cannot behave/control himself). Just that I like making connections and I like having people around?

Not sure how to explain, but hopefully that made sense?

 

[Movingforward10]

I COULD ghost them but they both feel younger than me and I hate hurting people. Not that I'm incapable of it if it's the only way (like telling my unhinged friend I will never date him because he cannot behave/control himself). Just that I like making connections and I like having people around?

I think this needs a reframe? Because, with the example you gave of how you are capable of hurting someone, I would say that’s not about hurting someone but expressing yourself, doing what you need to, and putting in boundaries. You are allowed to say no. If that does hurt someone, then that’s for them. It’s impossible to not hurt someone. But your focus isn’t hurting them, but doing what’s right for you.
and the options aren’t ghosting or having a sexual relationship (as I get the impression this guy wants that). But maybe explaining, this is friends only? Or this isn’t for you? Or whatever you decide you want from this. iT’s for them to manage their emotions about whatever you decide.

 

[Friday]

I think it's something else, to be honest, but you're welcome to speculate!

No worries! Just curious.

When I first found my happiest place? I tried to find that elsewhere… and failed. Because the personalities were different, the dynamics changed. It took awhile for me to realize how …common… that was. Because I was very early in my career. So there was a lot of pressure for things to be …”right”. And? They weren’t.

Later?

That was easy to walk away from.

But early days? People attempt to square peg round hole… just because THEY are so invested. In the beginning, I thought that was just me. Later? I couldn’t help but awe it in countless others.

GENERALLY SPEAKING… the younger/newer someone is? The more they attempt to force, rather than accept, and move on.

Which may seem callous? But? The BRIGHT AMAZING points of light, in indivudals, still exists. They’re “simply” rare. And cherished for that.

^^^ Ultimately? That’s why I’m not poly, I’m not bi, I’m not heteroflexible, I’m just (very 90s) like what I like. No label needed. I’m just me. The only people who “need” to know my sexuality/preferences? Are the people I’m sleeping with.

 

[littleoc]

So their marriage is ending apparently