A wtf situation? Opinions? - Concerns About Age Gap & Other Issues In Poly Relationship

[littleoc]

Hey, y'all, I haven't made a title for this yet because I'm just now writing this, and this might be some cursed ass content, genuinely not sure yet, but this is bothering me enough that I'd like to start talking about it now and get opinions (gradually) because my frame of reference may be skewed? I mean, y'all don't know the people I've started seeing and all that, but I've only know the man for a month or actually maybe three months, and the woman TODAY.

Actually where do I even start this discussion honestly ummmmm

Okay, here, I'll keep it short and not give EVERY detail and instead give out more details as they become relevant and/or let people know if I don't know things as they are asked, if there's even anything that needs more details?

I am stalling -- okay long story short, I met this guy several months ago and we've been seeing each other. Every now and then there were some yellow flags, but he's so far been good at listening, we did have some very gay sex (it was fine, I'm aroace, on both spectrums) and he stops when he notices I'm bleeding (this is unrelated to the post, I'm injured down there but was still willing to try) even if I am not in pain, etc. Like, definitely follows the basic lowest bars for being a decent person.

He has a wife, and she knows about me and I know about her. No big deal. (I am possibly poly and the dude is definitely poly, totally fine if you don't agree with the lifestyle, let's ignore the personal beliefs in comments UNLESS they are relevant to The Problem lol, and don't say something like "all poly men are evil" pls again it's fine if you have that opinion, I'm just not wanting to discuss if THAT ITSELF is an issue for people)

I am rambling, and I'm probably not going to edit this post like I normally would because I want to drive home after I get this off my chest, so I'll try to highlight things so this post is easily skimable etc

Problem (with necessary context): Guy (let's call him Guy) asked me over text if I'd be interested in joining group sex with his wife with kink. I said, sorry, probably not, as I'm not into the type of thing he wanted me to try, and I'm gay as hell, so far, it seems. He said okay and he respected it. But, yesterday, he asked me again if I had any issue with trying just group stuff in general and I responded sure, why not, might be fun. As in to tell you guys, he's very good at communicating and good enough at respecting it, sometimes rusty but definitely not aggressive. He likes to be a dominant person even outside the bedroom, but in a kink way, not in a "I need to be the man I charge because I'm a narcissist" kind of way. Again, as far as it's been so far, as I've now only visited twice.

So, it was fine, I'm aroace so mostly I just stood there being unsure, and she's a beautiful woman so I told her she had the best hair and she had fun having a gay man chilling with her, etc. Some issue I had was the fact that I didn't get to communicate with HER before the experience and she didn't with me, so we stopped 100 times to make sure everyone was okay, which is also fine --

My issue is that I found out she's 19, after I heard Guy say "and she's so mature for her age" which raised some hackles for me? So later I kinda asked them some questions in a round about way being like, "Oh, how'd you meet?"

Their picture together on the wall is her graduating high school with her? Guy there standing like an older brother? So I was becoming increasingly concerned and got out of her that she's known him for three years. Wife is 19, about to turn 20, and I am 29ish, and Guy is 30-32ish.

What.

How do I process this / what the f*ck?

Her explanation was very open and honest, though Guy seemed concerned about people from my state finding that odd. Age of concent in the state they just moved from is either 16 or 17, apparently.

Like. I don't know. Is this FINE or am I being PTSD brain or ?

She seems happy but I remember being her age and thinking things were very very very different. We're all neurodivergent. She and I for sure have PTSD.

He helped get her out of her abusive mom's situation (she and him both played me voicemails of some seriously insane "parents") and he got away from his own parents, and moved to OUR state (in the United States), over 700 miles away, to feel safer. They have security cameras everywhere, he's an EMT and has taught her some of the stuff she can do to be safe and help others in certain situations, etc.

His kinks include dom/sub stuff, including outside the bedroom (as mentioned if you're not skimming, but you should be lol), which included things like holding my arms behind me while giving me a house tour, and telling his wife that she couldn't put her jacket on while cold because she forgot to ask him first (again, kink stuff, it's just hard for me to tell if SHE is okay with it).

They play games and do things like hide and seek, as neither had a childhood at ALL so they're both fairly childish. Which I am too, so I get that.

Anyway, am I tripping?? Are y'all seeing this??? What am I supposed to think about this??

For ME Guy has been very sweet, though I'd like to reemphasize that I've known him for 3 months and only met him twice. he otherwise was not suspicious at all. There were some other odd moments I'm not mentioning here because it'd take too long, but. That's the jist.

He's not the best FIT for me overall because he is SO kinky and I am SO very asexual, and tend to get no attraction at all unless I've known people for sometimes years or more. And I feel odd, personally, about do /sub stuff, I'm noticing, but that's not because he's doing it wrong or anything.

But like. What. Am I reacting like this ENTIRELY because of PTSD, or..?

Thoughts? Opinions? Did I even make enough sense or actually give enough information to form a thought or opinion, in your opinion? Should I be this protective of her?

Neither have parents who matter btw

 

[Charbella]

My opinion is that this is not ok. She was a child when they met and he got her out of a bad home situation, that sure seems convenient. That poor girl was being abused which means she was ripe for the picking and this guy who is almost twice her age picked.

The Dom stuff in this context again all kinds of red flags. Being married at 19 to someone that old who met her when she was underage.

You should steer clear of this situation unless you are finding times when he isn’t home to ask her about how she feels and educate her that she has options.

 

[Sideways]

If they’re doing it right, then they have all sorts of very explicit conversations about their sex life, and what is and isn’t okay. Which is an incredibly healthy way for her to explore.

A 10 year age gap doesn’t raise my eyebrows at all, and she’s in her prime age to be exploring her sexuality.

To me, their relationship isn’t raising any flags.

For you? I mean, did you enjoy it? Not, did you feel obligated to be there and enjoy it, do you feel like that’s something that ought to be arousing…but did you have fun, and get sexually aroused?

If not, is it possible that you’re projecting? Saving her, instead of yourself?

 

[Movingforward10]

I kind of see it in two ways. There is their relationship. And then there is your relationship with them.

Their relationship: is for them? For them to figure out. For them to work out if there is a power imbalance or not. Work out if it is abusive or not. It's legal: they are married. What happened before they married, how they met, how they treat each other now: for them to work out.

What is for you to work out is your relationship with them.
So, what do you want from this relationship?
If you feel uncomfortable, which you clearly do as there are lots of things you raise in your post and you say you have left things out, then why continue to pursue a relationship? End it?
Second time meeting someone romantically/sexually/friendship: it should be easy and fun, not uncomfortable and make you feel like you are.

Whether their relationship is based on abuse/exploitation or not, you are reacting to it. Some people would regardless of PTSD.. whilst their relationship is their business, if it makes you uncomfortable then it's not for you.

Edit to add: kink full time, outside of sexual activity, is full on. I couldn't do it (saying that, I don't do kink any more anyways!). But, in my (limited) experience, depending on your mind set it can be easier or harder/feel liberating or negatively consuming. It sounds like you're trying to figure out if she is ok with it. And it's for her to figure that out. But, if you're questioning it, maybe trust your instinct?

 

[Workingonit]

My daughters mom and i were 9 years apart and i can tell you that without a shadow of a doubt if there was any power imbalance it was her hold over me. If she didnt like friends/family members i would ghost them. If she wanted something i got it for her. When she got morning sickness i got morning sickness. Nothing mattered except her and eventually our daughter. I even went to baby shower. Almost got fired over it because my boss thought it was a joke. I just couldnt survive the post partum depression. One of my deepest regrets.

 

[Movingforward10]

I don’t see this as judgements on age gaps generally. But the age at which the age gap occurs. She was 16. He was 29 (did I do the maths right?!). she wasn’t an adult, and there is a question about what an adult wants t9 do with a minor.
it’s legal though.

there is 15 1/2 years between my partner and I.

 

[No More]

She was legal, it doesn’t raise eyebrows for me. She’s free to choose whatever she likes.
I was with a guy 13yrs older than me for a while - it was totally fine, I had a whale of a time exploring and working out what I liked/didn’t like with him.

Their relationship is for them to worry about. If you are uncomfortable, step away. If things are working for you & you are happy with it, maybe keep an open mind to the fact that maybe they really are quite happy with the way things are.

 

[arfie]

But like. What. Am I reacting like this ENTIRELY because of PTSD, or..?

i get lost in psychosis when i attempt to analyze every ingredient of my bubbling psychocauldron. i rank that attempt as one of many conundrums that are somewhere between pointless and impossible. nurture or nature? chicken or egg? half empty or half full? hypervigilance or common sense? does it matter where the psycho snot knot came from? it's here now and needs to be dealt with. i work to keep my eye on the prize. in this case, the prize would be sustainable and functional relationships.

i believe in polymorphism, multi-generational households and/or community living. humans are a gregarious species. i'm an equal opportunity people-hater (if you're human, i already hate you) and a survivalist with the skills to live completely off-grid and even **i** had to admit i need people, whether i like them or knot. i've searched high and low for a loophole and haven't found it yet. the relationships you describe here sound an awful lot like the relationships i formed in my first attempts to accept that unpleasant need to break my social isolation. those relationships were traumatically unsustainable.

but your descriptions only **sound** similar to my long past relationships. proof easily available that you are not me and the people i related to back in the last millennium are not with you today. my strongest belief in relationships is, "keep it personal and don't be afraid to customize."

keep your eye on the prize, littleroc. keep it personal. customize, customize, customize, based on what you see in the eyes of the relationships **you** are forming here, now and in real time outside the e-box.

 

[Growgirl]

You haven't shared much about your background in this post, so I'm not sure what your history and triggers are, but my intuition is telling me that this is an issue in you. If you are triggered and uncomfortable, it is important to dig deep inside you and see what it is about your childhood/history with parents/caretakers/significant people in your life, that is being triggered when you discovered the age difference.

I wonder if there was a time period in your life where you felt controlled by someone older or more powerful, and you are now projecting those traumas and fears onto her and her relationship with Guy.

 

[Friday]

She was 16. He was 29 (did I do the maths right?!)

16
17
18
19
…20

They would be together 4 going on 5 years, if she was 16.
3 years together would be 17 or 18.

 

[Movingforward10]

16
17
18
19
…20

They would be together 4 going on 5 years, if she was 16.
3 years together would be 17 or 18.

I read it that she was 19 and they were together for 3 years.
But, either way, it's up to them.

 

[Charbella]

I read it that she was 19 and they were together for 3 years.
But, either way, it's up to them.

I too read it that way I also noticed in the original post that the age changes and I do wonder if that’s because the guy is changing her age to meet his storyline. Sounds like she was 15 or 16 when they met and vulnerable. To me, way too many stories of abuse start like that. I think if she’s good with it then fine, which is why I suggested finding a time to speak to her when he isn’t around.