EMDR Concerns - Am I fooling myself into thinking I'm ready for this leap?

[centaurus]

I've been seeing this trauma therapist for about three months now. We've been preparing to transition into EMDR, which I've been wanting to do for years. Well, yesterday, I sent him a list of my traumas. He had told me previously to take my time compiling the list, step away if I (or any of my [DID] alters) became overwhelmed or triggered, etc. I did well, jotting down notes over the past two weeks. Yesterday morning, before session, I typed it all up - organized by categories - and emailed it.

The session started with him commenting that he had no idea how much we had yet to cover. Then we just focused mostly on deep breathing techniques and progressive muscle relaxation. He said both would be beneficial especially during EMDR.

Then last night hit. As I laid down for bed, the strongest sense of terror overwhelmed me. It was the exact same feeling that I had at night as a kid in the midst of active trauma - but last night was more intense than I've ever experienced. I panicked and almost couldn't get up from fear. I finally turned on lights and the TV before going to sleep sometime after 0230.

When I started preparing for bed tonight, the panic slowly started in. It's 0115 right now and I'm still actively avoiding sleep.

I've heard that EMDR is intense and often brings up a lot of struggles. I haven't even started yet, though! My guess is this is related to reviewing the traumas from almost thirty years in one sitting. But if I'm doing so poorly right now, am I fooling myself into thinking I'm ready for this leap?

 

[PamelaS]

I've been seeing this trauma therapist for about three months now. We've been preparing to transition into EMDR, which I've been wanting to do for years. Well, yesterday, I sent him a list of my traumas. He had told me previously to take my time compiling the list, step away if I (or any of my [DID] alters) became overwhelmed or triggered, etc. I did well, jotting down notes over the past two weeks. Yesterday morning, before session, I typed it all up - organized by categories - and emailed it.

The session started with him commenting that he had no idea how much we had yet to cover. Then we just focused mostly on deep breathing techniques and progressive muscle relaxation. He said both would be beneficial especially during EMDR.

Then last night hit. As I laid down for bed, the strongest sense of terror overwhelmed me. It was the exact same feeling that I had at night as a kid in the midst of active trauma - but last night was more intense than I've ever experienced. I panicked and almost couldn't get up from fear. I finally turned on lights and the TV before going to sleep sometime after 0230.

When I started preparing for bed tonight, the panic slowly started in. It's 0115 right now and I'm still actively avoiding sleep.

I've heard that EMDR is intense and often brings up a lot of struggles. I haven't even started yet, though! My guess is this is related to reviewing the traumas from almost thirty years in one sitting. But if I'm doing so poorly right now, am I fooling myself into thinking I'm ready for this leap?

You are right to be cautious. Rushing the process sometimes it’s more damaging. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to get through this trigger from reviewing your trauma. Don’t make any decisions now, just recover. Don’t worry about pushing yourself into EMDR. You are where you are. You need to respect that. There’s a reason. And it’s not your fault. Even though it’s our responsibility to work on fixing where we are, we have to do it with gentleness and compassion. Take good care of yourself first and foremost. Move forward as you can slowly. Try not to allow yourself to go backwards in your healing. If EMDR is going to do that, then don’t do it. Keep moving forward in whatever way you can without going backwards. It’s a long and gentle process. You are the only one who knows when you’ve had too much. Take good care of yourself and accept where you are and what your limits are. It will be OK. We’re here to encourage you and support you along the way.

 

[Calmdown]

The most important part of trauma therapy is that you feel safe when you confront yourself with traumatic memories. The point is not to work through it and get done with it no matter what. Take your time and don't let anybody ever push you.

 

[centaurus]

You are right to be cautious. Rushing the process sometimes it’s more damaging. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to get through this trigger from reviewing your trauma. Don’t make any decisions now, just recover. Don’t worry about pushing yourself into EMDR. You are where you are. You need to respect that. There’s a reason. And it’s not your fault. Even though it’s our responsibility to work on fixing where we are, we have to do it with gentleness and compassion. Take good care of yourself first and foremost. Move forward as you can slowly. Try not to allow yourself to go backwards in your healing. If EMDR is going to do that, then don’t do it. Keep moving forward in whatever way you can without going backwards. It’s a long and gentle process. You are the only one who knows when you’ve had too much. Take good care of yourself and accept where you are and what your limits are. It will be OK. We’re here to encourage you and support you along the way.

Thank you so much. I'm trying to be gentle and take care of myself as I can. I appreciate the support.

 

[centaurus]

The most important part of trauma therapy is that you feel safe when you confront yourself with traumatic memories. The point is not to work through it and get done with it no matter what. Take your time and don't let anybody ever push you.

Thanks. I have someone close to me who is trying to be encouraging, but I think he doesn't know enough about the process. He told me last night, "The sooner you get through this, the sooner it's done." I explained that it's not that simple and that, realistically, I'm the only one who knows when it's too much. (He agreed and said he supports me no matter what.) At least I'm already starting with that baseline.

 

[PamelaS]

Thanks. I have someone close to me who is trying to be encouraging, but I think he doesn't know enough about the process. He told me last night, "The sooner you get through this, the sooner it's done." I explained that it's not that simple and that, realistically, I'm the only one who knows when it's too much. (He agreed and said he supports me no matter what.) At least I'm already starting with that baseline.

You are very very fortunate to have someone like that in your life. Make sure that they know how much you appreciate their willingness to support you no matter what. That is not a small thing. Very happy for you. I myself am used to doing it on my own. That’s OK. It fits me. I’ve had too many bad experiences. Never want another close relationship ever again in my entire life. You guys are probably the closest I will ever get. Thank you all for being here. Take good care of yourself.

 

[arfie]

time has no meaning in the healing process. ~algonquin proverb

i have never done emdr, but intense emotional floods have accompanied each of my healing phases. today, decades later, i favor the theory that this was my sub-conscious bringing the infected spots to the surface for easier access to healing. just a theory. . . i have others. that one is only my current fave.

the operative fact is that it's tough stuff to go through. in many ways, the healing is more harsh than the original trauma, but the relief of healing is beyond measure. in my case, the gain was very much worth the pain.

but let me echo the others in encouraging you to let the healing progress at its own pace. it is not a race. there is no deadline. every healing journey is unique. easy does it. be gentle with yourself and patient with the healing process.

stay true to you.

 

[PamelaS]

time has no meaning in the healing process. ~algonquin proverb

i have never done emdr, but intense emotional floods have accompanied each of my healing phases. today, decades later, i favor the theory that this was my sub-conscious bringing the infected spots to the surface for easier access to healing. just a theory. . . i have others. that one is only my current fave.

the operative fact is that it's tough stuff to go through. in many ways, the healing is more harsh than the original trauma, but the relief of healing is beyond measure. in my case, the gain was very much worth the pain.

but let me echo the others in encouraging you to let the healing progress at its own pace. it is not a race. there is no deadline. every healing journey is unique. easy does it. be gentle with yourself and patient with the healing process.

stay true to you.

Thanks for your insights arfie. Appreciate you!

 

[sidptitala]

more intense than I've ever experienced

I've heard that EMDR is intense and often brings up a lot of struggles. I haven't even started yet, though! My guess is this is related to reviewing the traumas from almost thirty years in one sitting. But if I'm doing so poorly right now, am I fooling myself into thinking I'm ready for this leap?

I had your exact dilemma last year and posted a very similar question on this forum...

I went through with emdr in the end and I don't regret that.

It took way longer than the therapist intended it to (he thought we would do it for 2 months- it took 9 before things were moderately better enough to stop)

I did emdr at that time knowing it was possibly not a great idea - because emdr was available to me then and would not be again. This particular therapist didn't believe it was possible to retraumatise someone- and his rationale makes sense to some extent to me. He said that if avoiding traumatic material worked you would not have ptsd because avoiding would work. So you already have the traumatic material bursting out of you, you just need help filing it away.

I think he was right about vivid, recent war memories that absolutely came between me and any form of living. Those could not be put off or avoided or handled delicately and needed to be dealt with right away.

But if I'm doing so poorly right now, am I fooling myself into thinking I'm ready for this leap?

I found the exercise you mentioned at the start to be the hardest part- the first 2 sessions were by far the most destabilising for me. It got better quickly.

Then we waded into childhood abuse and that's where it became very messy. I wasn't able to verbalise what I was seeing because I didn't trust him. Then he tried to tell me how to think about the material I had not shared with him- it was a mess.

So I think that the verdict should not be unanimous that doing emdr in your situation is a terrible idea - it's certainly a risk but one that could very well pay off.

Do you have an agreement with the therapist that you can stop if it gets too overwhelming for you?

 

[centaurus]

I had your exact dilemma last year and posted a very similar question on this forum...

I went through with emdr in the end and I don't regret that.

It took way longer than the therapist intended it to (he thought we would do it for 2 months- it took 9 before things were moderately better enough to stop)

I did emdr at that time knowing it was possibly not a great idea - because emdr was available to me then and would not be again. This particular therapist didn't believe it was possible to retraumatise someone- and his rationale makes sense to some extent to me. He said that if avoiding traumatic material worked you would not have ptsd because avoiding would work. So you already have the traumatic material bursting out of you, you just need help filing it away.

I think he was right about vivid, recent war memories that absolutely came between me and any form of living. Those could not be put off or avoided or handled delicately and needed to be dealt with right away.




I found the exercise you mentioned at the start to be the hardest part- the first 2 sessions were by far the most destabilising for me. It got better quickly.

Then we waded into childhood abuse and that's where it became very messy. I wasn't able to verbalise what I was seeing because I didn't trust him. Then he tried to tell me how to think about the material I had not shared with him- it was a mess.

So I think that the verdict should not be unanimous that doing emdr in your situation is a terrible idea - it's certainly a risk but one that could very well pay off.

Do you have an agreement with the therapist that you can stop if it gets too overwhelming for you?

Thank you for your insight! It's good to know that it won't be this intense all the time.

While my therapist and I haven't discussed a plan to stop if needed, it will definitely be part of our conversation during the next session.

 

[PamelaS]

LI had your exact dilemma last year and posted a very similar question on this forum...

I went through with emdr in the end and I don't regret that.

It took way longer than the therapist intended it to (he thought we would do it for 2 months- it took 9 before things were moderately better enough to stop)

I did emdr at that time knowing it was possibly not a great idea - because emdr was available to me then and would not be again. This particular therapist didn't believe it was possible to retraumatise someone- and his rationale makes sense to some extent to me. He said that if avoiding traumatic material worked you would not have ptsd because avoiding would work. So you already have the traumatic material bursting out of you, you just need help filing it away.

I think he was right about vivid, recent war memories that absolutely came between me and any form of living. Those could not be put off or avoided or handled delicately and needed to be dealt with right away.




I found the exercise you mentioned at the start to be the hardest part- the first 2 sessions were by far the most destabilising for me. It got better quickly.

Then we waded into childhood abuse and that's where it became very messy. I wasn't able to verbalise what I was seeing because I didn't trust him. Then he tried to tell me how to think about the material I had not shared with him- it was a mess.

So I think that the verdict should not be unanimous that doing emdr in your situation is a terrible idea - it's certainly a risk but one that could very well pay off.

Do you have an agreement with the therapist that you can stop if it gets too overwhelming for you?

Sidptitala, It sounds like your experience with EMDR was more challenging because of your therapist’s views.

For me, I have big trust issues, and I have to work with a therapist that I can trust. I fired my last one, and I am thrilled to have just started working with a trauma informed therapist who is a very good fit and I am confident that I can trust that the sessions will go in a direction that is beneficial for me. We align on so many areas so far in the direction it should go, patient centered, rather than dictated by procedures…

Centaurus, Wishing you well with your decision whether you’re ready yet, and if so what protections should be in place should it get to be too much, as Sidptitala shared.

 

[osiris]

For me EMDR was and is the best thing I have done to try and get a hold on my life.

I was actually talking to a friend about it last night for the first time, which is an achievement in itself as I was so paranoid about anyone knowing I was even in therapy when I started.

It was hardcore work and very painful at times - after a session I would sometimes need to put on compression clothing (I don’t own a weighted blanket!) to try and feel right in my skin, and there were times in the beginning when I absolutely couldn’t tell T what moments were coming up - but that was totally ok.

Once I got honest about what I could handle, and we talked about my window of tolerance, they were great at slowing things down if needs be. Sometimes we would stop and I would cry and have time before moving on, sometimes I could push myself further. My nightmares and memories became much more vivid for a period of time and I questioned the process when I felt it was taking so long, but the changes have been huge.

There’s whole chapters of my life I can talk about without wanting to be sick and the emotional devastation is gone.

Trusting T came with time.

I hope it helps you find some freedom.