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Sadielady3
MyPTSD Pro
I've been continuing to process the idea that I have these damaged parts running amok in my mind. From what I understand, people with damaged parts are on a spectrum. While I'm fairly certain I don't have full blown alters, as I read more and listen to more, I'm positive that I do have at least one traumatized part. I've often wondered why I hate myself as much as I do. Other people seem to like and accept me as I am. I've always felt like it's because they don't really know me. I've always felt like there's something heinous and wrong with me down deep that other people don't seem to see.
Looking through my journal, I've described the journey since October as being a war inside my head between the logical/rational side of me and the emotional/irrational side of me. Even friends have commented that they are dealing with "irrational brain" when I'm working up over minor things. I'll even know the issue is minor but can't seem to reason my way out of the reaction. It also explains the strange presentation of my transference with my therapist. Rational me recognizes him as a great therapist- I think he's intelligent, kind, and helpful. I like many aspects of his personality. I don't really ever feel judged or unwelcome. Rational me genuinely likes him. I think that some traumatized part or parts (not really sure what all is floating around in there) has the transference. That part is deeply fearful. That part gets angry when he's nice to me in any way. This may be related to not really clicking with a lot of therapists- they tend to be sunshine and rainbows, spouting off positive nothings like "You are worthy" or "You are a good person". I always want to ask them, "Why do you say that? You don't even know me! Stop lying and stop trying to brainwash me." But my current therapist doesn't do that stuff. He's kind and supportive without seeming overly cheerful or fake. I feel very seen and heard. So while this scares the hell out of that part of me, at the same time, it's the thing that that part of me has really longed for for a long time. From what I've read, I have to learn to love and accept that part of me- that's where the healing comes from.
I always thought it was weird that I realized that I have trauma at the same time that the transference was obvious to me. But maybe it was that part waking up a bit and being less buried that made those feelings come through. I have no idea how that works. I do know that the transference comes and goes. Usually, once I've been in session for about five to ten minutes, I calm down and can be rational and logical again. I don't really know, to be honest.
Looking through my journal, I've described the journey since October as being a war inside my head between the logical/rational side of me and the emotional/irrational side of me. Even friends have commented that they are dealing with "irrational brain" when I'm working up over minor things. I'll even know the issue is minor but can't seem to reason my way out of the reaction. It also explains the strange presentation of my transference with my therapist. Rational me recognizes him as a great therapist- I think he's intelligent, kind, and helpful. I like many aspects of his personality. I don't really ever feel judged or unwelcome. Rational me genuinely likes him. I think that some traumatized part or parts (not really sure what all is floating around in there) has the transference. That part is deeply fearful. That part gets angry when he's nice to me in any way. This may be related to not really clicking with a lot of therapists- they tend to be sunshine and rainbows, spouting off positive nothings like "You are worthy" or "You are a good person". I always want to ask them, "Why do you say that? You don't even know me! Stop lying and stop trying to brainwash me." But my current therapist doesn't do that stuff. He's kind and supportive without seeming overly cheerful or fake. I feel very seen and heard. So while this scares the hell out of that part of me, at the same time, it's the thing that that part of me has really longed for for a long time. From what I've read, I have to learn to love and accept that part of me- that's where the healing comes from.
I always thought it was weird that I realized that I have trauma at the same time that the transference was obvious to me. But maybe it was that part waking up a bit and being less buried that made those feelings come through. I have no idea how that works. I do know that the transference comes and goes. Usually, once I've been in session for about five to ten minutes, I calm down and can be rational and logical again. I don't really know, to be honest.