Should I tell my mother?

[Calmdown]

Two years ago something traumatic suddenly came up. I don't know if it's true. Rationally I question everything, but when something triggers me and the emotions come up, I just know it happened. Factually I don't know anything. It was my mother's brother, he is already dead. I would have been very young, maybe between 2 and 5 years old. Most of the time I don't want to tell her, for several reasons. On the other hand everything has an end, and I don't know how much longer I'll even have the chance to tell her, she's in her 70s. A few days ago she was in the hospital and I suddenly regretted being so distanced and not wanting to reveal anything about myself. It's even harder because I can't be sure it actually happened. But it has affected me deeply. I feel different, more distanced, and she has no idea. It's not the only reason I'm distanced though, the people around me are all self-centered and I have to be careful not to let them burden me too much with their problems.

 

[Sideways]

Disclosure is so complicated.

If it was just about us personally, it would mostly be straightforward - disclosure is often an incredibly powerful way to lighten the burden of shame and make big strides in recovery.

But then you factor in the person you’re disclosing to - they’re as much a part of the act as we are. Disclosure will likely impact them, their relationship with others, and their relationship with us. And it’s very hard to know in advance how a person is going to respond.

Personally? I’ve stopped disclosing detail of my trauma to anyone but an experienced T. People close to me get to know vague generalities, but they don’t cope with the detail, and their not coping or responding well feeds my shame, which is unhelpful for me. Trauma-Ts respond well to disclosure - they respond in ways that are validating, empathetic, supportive, and they can sustain that over time. So, I keep my disclosure for the therapy room now.

For my family-related trauma, that rule still holds. My family has made it clear in the past that they will not hear me, and will not support me. So it would be me punishing myself to talk to them about it.

There’s no right or wrong answer to what you should do. If you have a good relationship with your mum, she has believed you in the past, and you think she will be able to cope with this information about her family, then it could be powerful to talk to her about it.

But there’s no obligation to tell your mum. If you decide to talk about it, do it because it’s the right thing for you.