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I have this weird thing where I'm triggered by a specific smell. I'm not even sure what the smell is (can't identify it) but when it hits, I have these horrible feelings of dread and significant distress. Most of my flashbacks are purely emotional and I still don't really know what memories...

I slept really well last night. I got up this morning and was going to do some schoolwork but the internet went out so I went back to sleep. I went to bed around 11 last night, got up around 8, went back to sleep by 9, and slept until almost 3. Not sure if it's the new med or if it's the...

I'm fairly new to the site (late October myself) and very new to this journey. Night terrors are the worst. I hope you can start sleeping better soon. It took me taking meds for them to start sleeping more than a couple of hours a night and it took about a month of this struggle to get to be...

Well, I heard back from my T and he said he would honor my request and read my letter at the beginning of my next session. Here's what I wrote: I keep trying to work up the courage to tell you some things but that doesn’t seem to be working. There’s a lot going on with me that you don’t know...

I did a couple of things today that I may come to regret but I needed to do something. I was sinking further and further into a pit of despair and at some point, any action, even if it's wrong, is better than just drowning. The first thing that I did was wrote my T a letter. It took hours and...

First, I want to say that I'm so sorry that you are in such pain. Feeling like someone has betrayed you is incredibly hard. Second, based on your description it sounds like he wants the relationship but isn't at a place where he can really commit to a relationship. He's got things that he...

This morning, the snow is coming down like crazy- a rare thing in Maryland. Most teachers like snow because of snow days but having grown up in Buffalo where snow did not equal a snow day, I just love it for itself. There's something beautiful and hypnotic about it. I almost moved to Alaska...

Well, I lied to my husband tonight. I feel horrible about it but I sat in my basement and thought long and hard before coming upstairs after group tonight. My T told us tonight that in order to get registered for group each week now, we have to call for an appointment. I hate making phone...

Went to group tonight with X and it was amazing. I had planned to muster up the courage to ask a question- "Any advice on how to have hard conversations? Any strategies?" I want to get better at this because I suck at self-advocating (despite the fact that I coach kids on this for a living)...

I hope you can find answers. I forgot most of my life before college until recently. It's hard to not know things about yourself. I wish you luck and healing.

I heard back from my psychiatrist. She definitely thinks I have PTSD after reviewing my file. So I feel a lot better about that now. I've been searching and trying to figure out my deal on my own for months. It's nice to hear that I've been on the right track! Also, the file she would have...

@ladee , I'm trying. I feel like I'm mostly failing these days but I'm trying.

I did a thing. I can't email my T about the stuff I'm going through but I know I need to tell him. I'd write him a letter and mail it to him but he's working from home. Sure, I could mail it to the office but I have no idea when he'd actually get it and that anticipation would probably kill...

@ladee , I know a decent amount about cognitive distortions. Not only do I remember learning about them in my psych classes in college but they were covered in the IOP program I went to in January. Projection I know about too. You're right- these are definitely relevant topics for me. The...

Well, I managed to stay on task for a couple of hours and got some schoolwork done. I still have a lot to catch up on but at least I made some headway. I feel slightly less stressed. I had my guitar lesson today. I didn't practice this past week. I really need to make time to practice...

@ladee , I would be very open to reading about things that might help me be less overwhelmed. Thank you very much. I've been thinking about the therapy thing and I wonder if maybe, even if it's just for a little while, need to pay out of pocket for a private therapist. This once per month...

@ladee , actually, no, I want to do the history. I want him to have every piece of information. I want him to ask me some questions. I want him to see so that if he tells me he's in this with me, I can rationally believe him and work on the emotional side of my belief system. I want enough...

@ladee , I just feel a lot of distrust towards my T at the moment. I rationally know that his irritated tone of voice probably had more to do with the video service not being available but it just felt like he was angry at me for being dysfunctional. I should just give up. He's not the right...

Well, therapy was a mess today. The HMO website was down so I didn't have the link to get to my video visit. He called me after about five minutes. He didn't seem to believe me about the website until he went to try to send the link to my email account. I think that this put me a little on...

The sleeping pill worked- I slept through the night without waking up. However, when I did wake up, I felt super dizzy and nauseated. I had a lot of chest pain as well. I know I had nightmares throughout the night and have been getting flashes from them throughout the day. Not sure if...

I had a million things I should have done today butt I got almost nothing done. I was either too tired or too distracted or both. I took a sleeping pill about an hour ago. Hopefully I can get some sleep tonight so that I can be more productive tomorrow. Hopefully I will rock and roll my way...

@ladee , yes, the filter analogy is a good one. It makes sense and, through my work with my T, I know that positive things don't get through to me like negative ones do. I'll believe a negative statement about myself as easy as I breathe but a positive one, pffft. I can't hand him anything as...

@ladee , I really appreciate you being so supportive. I love that you don't blame me for not telling him. Unfortunately, there is no one else to blame. As much as I know I really, really need to tell him more stuff, I'm not sure that I have it in me. The nightmares are a strong indicator of...

It's definitely been a day. My T reached out to me today to let me know we were having group tonight and that he hoped that the unannounced cancellation of group didn't contribute to me having a rough time last week. I told him that I didn't think so and that I've been having nightmares and...

@ladee , It absolutely makes sense. The podcast I was listening to said that the way to heal from this type of childhood trauma is to go to therapy consistently and choose to trust every single time you show up. I've been trying to trust him a lot more lately. And I get that he's a...