The sleeping pill worked- I slept through the night without waking up. However, when I did wake up, I felt super dizzy and nauseated. I had a lot of chest pain as well. I know I had nightmares throughout the night and have been getting flashes from them throughout the day. Not sure if getting sleep is worth it. It took me until the afternoon to start feeling oriented to real life. I honestly don't know. Although having nightmares is fairly normal for me, having them for weeks like this is unusual. This is almost definitely the worst cycle of nightmares that I've ever had.
Tomorrow is the big therapy appointment. I will go to my appointment, that much I have settled on. It's important to stay committed to the path.
I know my fear (and apparently a really deeply rooted one) is that once my T figures out what's wrong with me, he's going to refer me out. I am afraid that I haven't told him enough for him to really see what is going on and once I do, he'll be gone. I don't know how to address this. Honestly, I don't even know what it is that I need to tell him that's important. My primary diagnosis is depression with a secondary diagnosis of anxiety. I really truly believe that I have C-PTSD. I don't think my T sees it yet though. I don't really care what the diagnosis in my chart says. I do care what he's seeing in case it impacts his willingness to work with me. I need him to know the truth so that he can make an informed decision. I can't start the difficult work of trauma recovery with someone just to have them decide later that they aren't in it anymore.
So what is important that he should know. I've been thinking about this all day. I haven't reached any conclusions. I know L has stated that I need to tell him about my avoidance issues. If I get triggered at work and feel afraid that someone is going to yell at me (usually my department chair but others as well), I will hide. Literally hide. I have taken it so far as to work out of my car before until the final bell rings and then go back into the building after hours. I have found nooks and crannies in the school where no one will look for me. My school has two buildings and I will find an excuse to go to the other building and hide there where no one will think I am. It's not normal and I know that to be that afraid of confrontation. I don't think my T knows about it though because I'm pretty sure I've never mentioned that.
I also am deathly afraid of balloons. My friend K thinks this is important. I'm deeply afraid of being in a room with even a single balloon in it. It might pop. Rationally, and currently sitting in a room with no balloons in it, this is ridiculous. A popping balloon can't hurt me. But for some reason, I am gripped with fear that it might pop. I think related to this is my fear of guns and fireworks. I really hate the noise. My husband took me to see the musical "Assassins" a few years back and got us great seats in the front row. The problem with this is that they shoot guns off during the show. I lost it so badly that I disrupted the show and ran out of the theater. My husband followed me and spent an hour calming me down. I'm sure it's a great show and I could watch a video of it some time but sitting a few feet from a firing gun (even if it is a stage prop) is too much for me. And with fireworks, I've always been afraid of the ones I've always called "bangers" since I was a small child. The ones that are just a flash of light but then have that loud bang that you can feel in your soul. My dad stopped taking me to fireworks shows by the time I was 11 because I would just sit and cry straight through them. My brother enjoyed fireworks but when I was 11, my dad decided that I could stay home alone while the two of them went alone. Fireworks shows are like torture for me. They always have been. No idea why these types of loud bangs bother me so deeply- it's been that way my whole life.
When I meet new people, I never like them. I can count the number of people I liked right away on my fingers, don't even need toes. Now, some of my favorite people in life are people I didn't like when I first met them. I can grow to like and trust people. But usually, I find reasons to push people away. My husband says that I reject people for stupid reasons constantly. I definitely keep people far away from me until I decide I can let them in and even then it's very small amounts at a time. L has commented on this too and says that I am extremely guarded with people.
M claims that my mom is a narcissist and that my T really needs to know that. She firmly believes that right now I should be working on finding a way to cut her out of my life because as long as she is a part of my life, I can't do any real healing. L says that I should really tell my T about my dad's extreme hoarding since it is a mental illness that has had some minor influences on me. I am actually relatively sure that step-dad number 2 was a narcissist as well. Everything in that household was about him. He always had to have the best chair (which was my spot before he moved in). My mom was a teacher and step-dad 2 was a correction officer. Combined, they made well over 100k per year. We lived in a run down trailer park with drug dealers and child molesters in an area where the median household income for a family of four is probably around 40k to 50k per year. He always had to have a nice car, nice diamond jewelry, luxurious Vegas vacations, and lots of booze and cigarettes. He even spent my entire college fund to buy land so he could build a house. Naturally, this was right before I went to college (had to hurry up and steal my money) because he didn't want me living anywhere too nice. After all, I wasn't going to find a good husband that could afford nice things and I shouldn't get used to living better. He claimed that they would have moved to a better house sooner but he didn't want to spoil me and make me think that that's how I should be living. I always hated him. Mom always thought it was because I was too attached to my dad but honestly, he was just an asshole.
M also claims that I am extremely insecure. I need constant validation from others but won't ask for it. So I sink into a hole of despair constantly believing I'm doing a bad job on something. She says I'm now doing this with therapy. Therapy is a long process and doesn't always have those instant gratification moments (in fact, I think those moments are rare in therapy for everyone). Because it's hard and somewhat nebulous, it's easy for someone like me to feel like I'm failing at it.
I know I react badly in crowds or in places with too many noises. If students all talk to me at once, it disorients me. I can't process anything being said to me if there's too much background noise. You'd think this would keep me from teaching but most classes I've had have figured this out and will avoid trying to talk to me when someone else is speaking. It's amazing how receptive kids can be.
And those are just the things that I am aware of that I don't think my T knows. Not sure how he would. There might be other stuff that I haven't figured out. But which things are actually important to tell him? I have no idea what direction he's thinking, if he's thinking anything at all. I don't know what stuff is relevant and what stuff is maybe good information but not as important. I only get 45 minutes per month. So, what do I spent my 45 minutes on tomorrow?
