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One small burst of energy. I am DETERMINED to hold onto it. I need to organize and clean my apartment, I know that if I can make it a beautiful haven space that I will be happier and healthier. My dissociation has been TERRIBLE lately. I don't think this is some sudden turning point (though I...

Welcome! As I'm digging through things in therapy, my long-forgotten fears walking to my car seem to have resurfaced lately. It's so hard, and I feel so silly sometimes, but my brain & body are screaming, "RUN!" I have no idea if it helps at all (I'm just a little ways into it), but I'm...

I really agree with @BloomInWinter. It's a lesson I learned the hard way, holding on to an unhealthy person in my life because I loved them. It's not easy to let someone go, but when you do you can heal, learn, and open yourself up to the opportunity to meet someone who will cherish you, treat...

I have a PTSD app... and just took the assessment (it prompts me to do so once a month, this was my 2nd). It's worse. I should have realized that before. The last month has been the most difficult in a long time as I dig everything up. But I'm really, really hoping it gets better soon.

I would go with @Solara's advice on this, as it's probably the best. From personal experience, here's where I'm at: 1. The best thing is being genuinely tired. If I keep a steady schedule, get up at a decent hour, etc, sleeping is at least easier. 2. I still sometimes have nightmares. My dog...

So. Today I feel quiet, contemplative. I let myself sleep in (as long as the dog would allow). I think some good, long rest was needed. Now to face the future, which seems to be ever forming & re-forming like a child's play-dough. But I'm hoping with some improved self-centering, it will work...

I'm alone for now. Lonely. I'm facing a long-faced crossroads where I face or avoid my life, problems, feelings, thoughts. I want to hide again. To smoke, drink, f*ck, play, party & sleep for a week. To become the living stage persona. To be a different me who's confident, unharmable. And I know...

Tired. Wishing I had more energy, enthusiasm. I feel stuck. Like a week to hide and sleep would be welcome.

Today, my PTSD feels like a swamp. I'm ready to run & be productive, but every step I take is slowed by water, mud, resistance.

Sex. I never really thought about connections between sex and my childhood, but my therapist has pointed out that it was never presented as anything warm and fuzzy, caring, or attached to emotions. My father told stories... All about how to "melt the elastic off panties" with different...

I actually had a dream.... One where I pushed boundaries and was close to/cuddled with other men for some business purpose, never had sex with them & always before they would kiss me admitted I have a boyfriend. It felt terrible, like I was already cheating on him (which I'm not, nor do I wish...

I keep getting "new" memories. They're not exactly new, just looooooooong buried. The other night it was about a lock-in. A friend was in town for a regional youth gathering at church, and I really wanted to go. I had been sick, and it was pushing it since I was barely feeling better (if at all...

I've done similar, usually looking for some long-lost closure or schadenfreude. In the end.... the other people don't change. And I agree with @joeylittle. It's best to just not start the process, or it ruins your day/night/week/etc. I've never had it genuinely end well. It's like kicking up...

I have both no's, but went with the one. I never filed any charges against my parents. It's so complicated with family. I did report my sexual assault and the officer was a jerk because I waited 2 years before reporting it. The accused me of being a liar and making up stories, then decided that...

And thanks @Spiderallis!

I agree as well.... @arfie, that's a great approach, and I will try to re-frame it that way, which seems to balance my feelings that I'm being selfish by accepting such things.

Parts of my father calling that were difficult: 1. He's convinced my mother ordered the wrong part for my birthday, not sure it's a tuning pedal like I asked for. It would be sweet if our history musically weren't what it is. I remember him playing guitar and singing evenings when I was little...

What a crazy day.... If I hadn't experienced it myself, I would think it was a crazy hippie experience. I've been reading In An Unspoken Voice about the body and trauma. So far, there's a lot of things about how if the body never gets to actually fight or fly, then the trauma winds up in...

I was verbally & emotionally abused as well. Thanks for sharing, and welcome to the forum.

If you have a good therapist, you should share it. :-)

I was mostly emotionally/verbally and physically abused as a kid, so mine's a bit different in manifestation, but the distance part stayed true. I was in and out of relationships & comfortable with being physical, but usually never really opened up or connected with people (dating or otherwise)...

Anything that lingers so painfully is legitimate and important to you, which is what makes something important. I'm sorry that happened to you & glad you shared. Welcome :-)

I grew up with the idea of family being any loved friends/family around. I'm since less eager to categorize people as "family" because I struggle so much with family history. As soon as I moved out of my parents house, I chose to start calling wherever I'm living home... But the feeling of...

I just had my birthday party. A few friends showed up, but I know one friend and my boyfriend spent quite a bit of cash on the evening, and insisted I not pay since it was my birthday. I know I just dropped a bunch/similar amount on my boyfriend's birthday last month, and have done similar for...

Mine have gotten better over time, but I used to do the same thing. I'd curl up, hyperventilate, squeeze my eyes shut, and the only thing I was able to say was "no." I don't really have any advice... My triggers just got less sensitive with time, and the flashbacks less severe. Hang in there...