Doing Things We Shouldn't Do

[StarTraveller]

Short background for those who don't know (or read the introduction if you want the long story); I had a miscarriage and the guy abandon me and left my for ONE of the gals he was sleeping around behind my back. Needless to say it produced depression, anxiety, and eventually lead to the diagnosis of PSTD.

This guy is pretty awful, just from being a coward. So why do I (or really anyone for that matter) do things we know we shouldn't do, because we'll find out something that'll make us jealous and/or angry?

I Facebook stalked him and found out that the lady and him have moved in together and are getting a puppy today and they're living the life of Riley.

To me...what a bitter pill reality is at times. Karma can't come fast enough. We discussed these things, my therapist and I, in our sessions; but it's constantly a problem for me. Is anyone in a similar situation? I don't know how to get to acceptance completely. I feel like I'm waiting for some dire revenge on him and an apology that will never come.

It's unsettling for me.

Thanks in advance.

 

[joeylittle]

Hey- I'm sorry for what has happened in your life, first of all. I do a different version of what you are describing.

In psychological terms, I think it would be considered a version of "ruminating"; so, you are compulsively focusing on this man as the cause of your distress enough so that you are driven to take action, in this case track him down on Facebook - where you discover something really upsetting that will add to your distress (rumination typically is cyclical this way).

Rumination is (essentially) compulsive focus on an aspect of your distress or problem as a way to seek relief.

It never helps. And yeah, it is incredibly, incredibly unnerving and unsettling. What will usually happen is a kind of "rabbit hole" effect. In my case, say, I go online looking for some people who did something to me. Of course, I cannot find them; what I do find are people like them and what they do. That is upsetting. Then, I think that if I keep looking, I will get to something that makes me feel better - so I look at what these people do, what their general criminal activity is. And I'm more upset. And now, I can't stop looking because I irrationally think I might find myself in there. Rabbit hole.

Honestly, it just takes choosing to not do it. When you feel that urge, do a DBT thing called "opposite action"; go in the other direction and do something absolutely different. If the urge is sit down and think about him and look through facebook, instead go outside and go for a walk and listen to your favorite music. Turn left instead of right, metaphorically speaking.

Hope that helps a little.

 

[Viosinger]

I've done similar, usually looking for some long-lost closure or schadenfreude. In the end.... the other people don't change. And I agree with @joeylittle. It's best to just not start the process, or it ruins your day/night/week/etc. I've never had it genuinely end well. It's like kicking up dust. (I'm not saying I never do it anymore, I have... but like everyone here, I'm working on doing better). Hang in there. It's better to have someone like that out of your life, even if it hurts.

 

[stilldancing]

Karma will come, and it's even sweeter when in the meantime, you've been out there, rebuilding, kicking butt, and taking names. I'm sorry you've been through such horrible things, but sometimes envy can be a good thing. Let your envy guide you to a guy who's not going to cheat on you, get a puppy or a kitten if that's what you want (seriously pets are so healing. I don't know what I'd do without my two furballs.). Look at other areas of your life that may be a source of dissatisfaction, and do something different. You got this!