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I have been avoiding my memories lately but I have decided to face one that has been cropping up recently. I am scared, I have done something he perceives as wrong, for a moment I cannot remember what but then it hits me, I was late again. I had stayed over at a friends house the night before...

I made it through the day yesterday. It got easier when the volunteer left. I actually coped well with the large volunteer group because they were nice people and kept themselves busy. They didn't get in my space or make me feel over loaded although I did spend much of my afternoon in the office...

Sitting on the floor of the disabled toilet at working in a panic. I have been coping well with the large group of volunteers by listening to music. However a different volunteer has come in. He's a young lad who works with a helper from mencap. The lad isn't much of a problem, he doesn't make...

Feeling a bit brighter than I was last night. My wrist is still niggling but a good nights sleep has helped with that. I did have a very bizarre dream though but it wasn't scary, just strange. I am going to try to do some reading today from my course book. If I can concentrate long enough. I...

@KwanYingirl It is triggering but as it is delivered by a trauma therapist he recognises when I am struggling and helps me to calm down before continuing. It isn't as triggering as I expected it to be though because we don't talk in anyway about what happened just about what PTSD is and how it...

Before I start therapy I have to complete a course on PTSD to help me understand what I am going through. I started it yesterday, most people do it as a group but it was felt I was better off one on one. The first appointment we covered symptoms and discussed which ones I can relate to. I also...

I am trying to be brave, trying so hard but I cannot ignore my wrist and the pain inside me. My stomach churns. Everything is so distant, like there is a sheet between me and the rest of the world. All day I have to deal with my memories. Just an hour of peace is all I want, just a break.

I've been thinking about my scars today. I have many, some I made but most were made by others. A lot of them have faded now, thankfully sparing me the memory that goes with them. I still have a few though on my legs and body but the worst ones are internal, both mental and physical. My insides...

I start my course tomorrow. The one that is supposed to prepare me for the real trauma work and teach me how to live like this. My friend is going with me as support and driver. I am relieved. Last time I went there I went alone and that was a silly thing to do. I am nervous, understandably...

Hypervigilance mode is still in control today. I have spent all morning in the office dealing with phone calls, volunteer queries, staff queries etc. etc. etc. This afternoon I am taking a dog to the vets, her fate has pretty much been decided, there is nothing more we can do for her. We have...

Struggling to calm myself tonight. A long evening of drifting in and out kept here only by my friends constant messaging. She's gone to bed now for a well earned rest, hopefully she will have a good day off tomorrow. I won't see her all day, not something that has happened in a while but I have...

Long day today. Lots of triggers and I've not been able to get the jumping under control. My manager described my behaviour as hunted. I think she is right. I freeze when someone takes me by surprise, I feel my heart rate quicken, my breathing change, adrenaline kicks in. Sometimes I calm myself...

I ache this morning. Head to toe. Last night was not good. I am moving more when I am in flashbacks and I am more absorbed in them than ever. On my own it takes me hours to come back to the present and I have sometimes found myself in completely different parts of my house when I do. They are...

I wish I was brave. I wish I was brave enough to not need others and go it alone. I wish I was brave enough to say no to offers of help and spare my friends a stressful evening bringing me back from whichever memory has swallowed me this time. I'm not though and while they continue to offer...

@Go Hungry I am glad you have lots of friends you can relax with although it is a shame you cannot leave the house without one of them. At least you have lots of support. @silkleaves It is a shame your sister is so far away but I am pleased she is there for you even so. I have friends like your...

I had a good evening with my Dad last night. I woke up with a bit of a hangover this morning though, I'm not used to drinking more than a couple of pints. The alcohol gave me a nightmare free sleep but isn't something I will do regularly. Today is a relaxed day. I've been out to see to the...

My friend has just popped up for lunch. I've been having a bad morning as there is a dog show and fete being held next door to my house. I have had to shut all the windows and doors to block out the noise of people. I am really struggling to keep calm or at least I was until my friend got here...

Today is Open day. The biggest day in the year for the centre where I work. For me it is a chance to show a bit of pride in the place I work. A chance to see old friends who visit only when we have a big even on. A chance to see old dogs out enjoying the days with their new families. Where am...

So often I find myself back in the dark. I beg and I plead not to go there but he puts me there anyway. It takes a long time to get over a flashback about the dark, normally triggered by feeling trapped. My eyesight stays away the longest although focusing on writing this is helping it come...

Didn't have time to do a morning post before work so I'm doing it now while I'm in the staff room. It gives me a good excuse to concentrate on my phone and not look at people. My night was ok I slept for most of it with a couple of nightmares in between. I am laughing and joking but to be...

Sorry I didn't explain myself very well. When I said perhaps it touches a nerve I did not mean it in anyway about how you had said it. I just wonder if your honesty has made a few people step back and realise that they too have been through what you have, loving someone who was cruel to you and...

@Notsowild I have a similar suspicion with my own colleagues. Not all but some. If I make a mistake, even a small one, I worry about it for says because I dread what might come from it. I feel like I am under a microscope all the time and cannot relax when I am at work. Even doing normal things...

Maybe it just touches a nerve with people? I was in an abusive relationship for 3 years. Looking back now I know it was abusive but at the time I thought I was in love, that this is what happened in a normal relationship (even though deep down I knew better). I have had one relationship since...

Thank you @Notsowild I appreciate your kind words. Part of the reason I am still working is that I really enjoy my job, it is very satisfying sending animals to their new homes. I don't need a therapy dog when I have a kennel full of animals that need me as much as I need them. I am also very...

I had a big post written but I don't feel up to sharing it today. Up and ready for work today, got to go sort the cats out first though. I hope there are not as many people in today as there were yesterday, I don't think I could handle that level of busy all week. I am tense this morning...