Beginning The Fight Against Broken Brain.

[Wyakin]

Struggling to calm myself tonight. A long evening of drifting in and out kept here only by my friends constant messaging. She's gone to bed now for a well earned rest, hopefully she will have a good day off tomorrow. I won't see her all day, not something that has happened in a while but I have a busy day to keep me occupied.

The memories that keep coming up at the moment are violent, brutal in what he did. Occasionally interspersed with memories of what they did to me. Always there, always pushing to be seen. Every one that comes along pushes my self esteem lower, a skill he was good at, making me feel worthless.

 

[Wyakin]

Hypervigilance mode is still in control today. I have spent all morning in the office dealing with phone calls, volunteer queries, staff queries etc. etc. etc.

This afternoon I am taking a dog to the vets, her fate has pretty much been decided, there is nothing more we can do for her. We have tried our hardest. I hate this part of my job, I know it is a kindness letting them go, I know we are doing the best thing we can for her. What I hate is that her family couldn't do right by her, that in her last moments she will be surrounded by strangers having endured several weeks of stress in kennels as we tried to help her. All she wants is her home and family but they gave her up because they couldn't make the right decision and now she has suffered because of it. She would have had far more dignity and a much happier end if they had made the decision and been there to help her through it.

Memories hover on the edge of my vision today. Mostly flashes of Number 1. Keys are a real problem today and sudden movements. I am checking every room before entering and listening to every noise. I am going to my Dad's for dinner although I don't really have the energy and I am worried that I will get triggered with him around. I can't have him see me in flashback mode.

Oh well just one more thing to worry about.

 

[Wyakin]

I start my course tomorrow. The one that is supposed to prepare me for the real trauma work and teach me how to live like this.

My friend is going with me as support and driver. I am relieved. Last time I went there I went alone and that was a silly thing to do.

I am nervous, understandably so. Part of me is terrified I will get there and we will start discussing it and the Doctor will decide he got my diagnosis wrong and that actually there is more to this and he cannot help.

Another part of me is worried it will all just fit. I have tried to accept this diagnosis and understand it but a part of me is still in denial. A part of me still hopes it is just a blip and one morning I will wake up normal.

I've always been independent, too much so in a few peoples minds. It is so strange for me to feel reliant on people. I have always been a 'home is where you rest your head' type of person. Although I tend to stick at things and seem very settled I realise most of my relationships and day to day interactions with people are shallow at best. I am too afraid to get too close in case they see too much and leave me.

I cannot expect people to understand me and in order to avoid the risk of being misunderstood and hurt I have avoided building bonds with people.

Another part of it is protecting them. Not only from my behaviours and issues but also from him. He threatened my friends and used them against me. It wasn't safe for them. For other peoples safety I have kept them at arms length so no one can use them like that against me.

Recently though all this has changed. I have gone from the person who would work through regularly muttering that I was fine to someone who agrees when it is getting too much (sometimes) and goes home.

Not only that but I have started to open up and let people in. Not many and some more than others. I have been astounded at the support I have received from most and I will admit to being hurt by the treatment from others almost making me shut down again completely.

There was a point where I had started to open up and it was thrown back in my face, not by those I had spoken to but by a third party who had little understanding of the situation. At first that really shook me and I had a very rough time but in some ways it did me a favour. It taught me caution and it also helped me to recognise those I could trust.

I now have a select group of people I am comfortable with. People who make me smile when I see they have sent me a message. People I cannot go a day without talking to in some way. People who I struggle to go a day without seeing. The people I wish good morning and good night to everyday without fail. The person who is always there whether on the phone or physically.

I am for the first time in a long time beginning to learn what it is like to trust. These are tentative steps on the journey to make me myself again.

 

[Wyakin]

I've been thinking about my scars today. I have many, some I made but most were made by others. A lot of them have faded now, thankfully sparing me the memory that goes with them. I still have a few though on my legs and body but the worst ones are internal, both mental and physical. My insides have been badly damaged and left scarred and twisted. On top of that are the broken bones that will never be as strong again and the ligaments and muscles twisted so often they hurt at the slightest of jolts.

Every single one has a story to tell and everyday I see new things long forgotten. My memories are in overdrive and are trying to get out of me any way they can, all scrambling to be heard.

I have had several days of hypervigilance that ended today. Last night the pressure on my wrist came back with a vengeance. Intolerable and constant. It put an end to my constant flinching because it is the final signal that tells me to give up, you cannot get away. With the closing of a hand round my wrist I knew there was no where for me to go, nothing I could do to stop what was going to happen. My body is trained through cruel methods to shut down when held by the wrist.

I learnt to tell a lot by the pressure on my wrist. A mild grab and drag whether in to a classroom, the toilets or a different room in his house normally meant a quiet moment between the two of us that to most would seem sweet. A hard grab, knuckles white, meant something awful was going to happen and if I fought it would only get worse.

I learnt not to flinch for fear of punishment, I learnt not to speak, I learnt to shut down and do as I was told when he held me like that. A flick of the wrist and he could cause me severe pain, once even managing to break it. More regularly it was used to hold me in position for something, sex or pain one of the two and if not that then it was used to drag me to the dark while I begged not to be put in there.

All this training helped my later attackers because although when they grabbed me at first they didn't touch my wrist and I fought like hell the minute one of them got hold of me my old training took over and I shut down. Through trial and error they realised whenever they released my hands I would start to fight, I don't think they were even conscious of it.

So now when that feeling returns I feel myself give up, I stop caring about what happens around me, I flinch less, I become dull, everything becomes distant and I slow down. When I am with it enough to realise what is happening I fixate on my wrist and how much it bothers me.

So today I thought about my scars and what they remind me of everyday whether I can see them or not.

 

[Wyakin]

I am trying to be brave, trying so hard but I cannot ignore my wrist and the pain inside me. My stomach churns. Everything is so distant, like there is a sheet between me and the rest of the world. All day I have to deal with my memories. Just an hour of peace is all I want, just a break.

 

[Wyakin]

Feeling a bit brighter than I was last night. My wrist is still niggling but a good nights sleep has helped with that. I did have a very bizarre dream though but it wasn't scary, just strange.

I am going to try to do some reading today from my course book. If I can concentrate long enough. I have a friend round this evening so I don't know whether I will get time or not.

Today is a busy one at work, lots of people around. Not only do we have a fair few staff in we also have a team of volunteers coming in consisting of 25 - 30 people. It's funny how small 10 acres can feel when you get nearly 40 people on it...

If I cannot cope I will just have to go home but I am on field so technically I should be away from the worst of it and my friend is in this morning. It will be this afternoon when they will be unattended that I am worried about but there is nothing I can do about that.

Attempting to be calm and take the day in my stride. We'll see...

Today's aim: Read some more of my course book.

 

[Wyakin]

Sitting on the floor of the disabled toilet at working in a panic. I have been coping well with the large group of volunteers by listening to music.

However a different volunteer has come in. He's a young lad who works with a helper from mencap. The lad isn't much of a problem, he doesn't make eye contact for a start and is very quiet so I can cope with him. The carer though is over the top, in my space and loud.

I'm trying to muck out stables hyper aware that there is only one door in and out of it and he could block it any minute. I am so tense. I can't calm down.

My friend has just messaged. I'm going to move from here or at least try to.

 

[Wyakin]

I made it through the day yesterday. It got easier when the volunteer left. I actually coped well with the large volunteer group because they were nice people and kept themselves busy. They didn't get in my space or make me feel over loaded although I did spend much of my afternoon in the office so I wasn't out with them much.

Another day today. I only took one of my tablets last night to help me sleep, I am allowed to adjust my dose as needed. I wanted to see if up just taking one helped with my morning drowsiness. I has helped but I was awake several times in the night, whereas when I take two I sleep right through. I need to get in the routine of taking them a bit earlier so they are out if my system by the time I need to wake up. It's difficult though because the reason I didn't take them when I normally do last night was because I was in a flashback and in aware of where I was.

I am going deeper in to my flashbacks every time and it is getting harder to come out. I bounce from one memory to another and where I used to come back a little bit in between I am not always doing that now. The after affects linger for longer to. A lot of my flashbacks end with me in the dark and it takes a long time for my eyesight to clear enough that I can see again. While it's clearing I can chat with people around me and hear everything in the present I just can see it yet, like my brain is convinced my eyes are still in the dark.

I think this is just part of the process but I'm not sure, they generally only happen at home so at least I am safe when they do come. Occasionally they happen at work and those ones are often quite sudden, I can normally ground enough to get somewhere quiet though.

I am numb today, lacking in any real feeling. I feel a bit distant from things and almost uncaring. I find it hard to get feelings for the little things. It is strange. Oh well.

My brain seems to be a bit random this morning...

 

[Wyakin]

I have been avoiding my memories lately but I have decided to face one that has been cropping up recently.

I am scared, I have done something he perceives as wrong, for a moment I cannot remember what but then it hits me, I was late again. I had stayed over at a friends house the night before, on the way to school she had wanted to stop at the shop. I was worried, I knew this would make us late and I had already had to force her to set off a bit early for school. She had made a joke about how much I just wanted to see L, how lovestruck I was, if only she knew the truth.

I waited outside hoping it would encourage her to be quicker but she took her time. Our meeting time was 8:30am, I got there at 8:32 having frog marched my friend from the shop to school, much to her annoyance.

When we got there I could see his anger as he glanced at his watch and stared pointedly at me. For now I was safe because my friends were present, it is later on I would suffer.

As it would turn out it was not that much later on he would catch up to me. When the school bell rang we walked to our tutor groups, my friend's one was nearby while mine and L's was at the other end of site. As those from the friendship group slipped away L deliberately forced me to fall back by holding my hand. When he was sure no one would notice he dragged me in to one of the boys bathrooms.

Without any hesitation he pushed me in to a stall, I could see his anger but I knew better than to speak and try to explain. He turned me round and yanked my trousers down, forcing me over the toilet he pushed his way in to me. Over and over until he finished.

I didn't cry, I didn't make a sound. When he was done he kicked my knees out from under me and told me to take that as my lesson. He then walked out. It took me time to clean myself up and I had to go and sign in as late at the main desk.

He always got mad if I was late, these days I try to always arrive early to anything and I get triggered if I think I am going to be late. Time is very important to me. These memories have come up since my watch broke and I have had to resort to other methods to know the time. I desperately need to get that fixed as it is obviously playing on my mind.

 

[Wyakin]

Another one appears.

My wrists are tied together to the table. I try to wriggle free as he heats the knife on oven. He likes burning me, holding things to my flesh while my skin melts.

He only does it on my back where I can't care for it. I can see his shoulders hunched, tense. He turns and walks towards me, lifts my top and holds the blade to my back, I scream and try to pull away but he holds me down. Eventually my screams become whimpers and I lay sore on the floor.

The strange thing is he cries as he does this, he doesn't want to hurt me, it is because I did something wrong. If I was better he wouldn't need to hurt me, he keeps trying to make me understand. Deep down though I don't get it, if he truly cared he wouldn't do this.

I still see no way out though, if I don't let him hurt me he will hurt my friends. I cannot have them go through this, so I lay there, grit my teeth and continue on. Maybe deep down he does love me, he just doesn't know how to show it.

 

[Wyakin]

I haven't written here since Saturday. That's not like me. The last couple of days have been busy and full of ups and downs. I'm sitting here now trying to relax myself. I am focusing on calming my breathing, relaxing my muscles. I can hear my friends voice in my head telling me to open my hands since I tend to ball them in to a fist. I can hear her telling me to relax, it helps.

They are doing something with the dumper truck down at work, I can hear it. For some reason it is setting me off. I don't know why, I can't see a link but every time I hear it I get more tense. I wish they'd stop driving it.

Going back to focusing on other things, need to stop listening for it. I hate this.

 

[Wyakin]

I have been busy today. I needed to keep busy. All day I have been drifting, losing time then just coming out of it. In between I have had urges to hurt myself. They are something I still deny and push away but I know they are there and I cannot ignore them for ever.

Even now in the back of my mind I can feel the urge to. I know that if I did it would ground me enough to stop the drifting. Even as much as I don't like drifting though I am ashamed of the self harm. I find myself being deliberately clumsy in the hope of injuring myself or just throwing myself in to task to ignore my feelings.

It tires me out quickly, I have had enough hurt from others without hurting myself also but I cannot deny I am the most grounded when I have just cut. It releases so much inside, everything I fight to control day in day out. All my emotions that remain bottled up, my shame and guilt, my self loathing for being so weak, my fear and sadness.

All these things I avoid talking about, try to keep hidden and above them all is this other horror for which only I am to blame. The scars and cuts are all part of me, a part of me that shouldn't be there.