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You know, I think for me I like the intrigue. I like people not actually knowing me and left to wonder. And it feels like a gift to give to someone, letting them in on my life and how I think, you know? I certainly wouldn’t give that readily. And I guess I feel like holding out on giving people...

Omg! That sounds exactly like how I get with my therapists!!! They don’t even have to be psychodynamic for that to happen. At least with me. Thanks, I feel less alone. For the question at the end, you trust that they do this because they care. That it will never be what you ultimately want it...

although I still don’t see the point in relationships. I don’t WANT someone breathing close to me. Telling me their problems. Farting in bed. That doesn’t remotely appeal to me. I’m all for working on vulnerability to work on feeling less alone in the world but less alone in my apt? I think...

Yes. There is truth here.

Plus we are whole all on our own.

I actually don’t expect love ever. And I’m pretty good with that now. I’m working on loving myself and doing a good job of that. Who needs someone else? They’ll only bring their own problems and issues and anger and bs. That doesn’t sound even remotely fun. I seriously don’t understand why so...

Is this true? Is that why I actually DON’T feel love? I thought I was just robotic or something. Although I swear I love my dog and I’m not vulnerable with him lol

I feel this! Like my relationship with my last t was great and now with this new guy it went from shaking the first day thinking he was gonna kill me (lol so silly but it was a real fear) to just really wanting to see him again and tell him things.

Yeah, I totally know it’s early and we are still getting to know each other. I guess I’m just getting a bit anxious as I recognize my same patterns emerging, you know? The making light of things joking and redirecting. I think I just want to make it clear that that’s an area I want to work on...

I think I’m gonna email him and see if we can both work on coming up with some ideas for how to crack that door open. I feel like a balance of being funny and light and exposing some of my lesser strengths we’ll say would be good. But I gotta tell him I want to be more open and want help.

I don’t want to get better, actually! Which is totally why I tried so hard to be vulnerable with my last t and is why I posted here asking for help. Cause I don’t want to get better! You nailed it! Great job!

Keep her.

It’s not that the time is different each time it’s that he wanted to keep rescheduling after we had booked our sessions. But it’s already been resolved anyway.

I’m so very sorry for how much you’re hurting. Why can’t you trust anyone else? What exactly did the therapist do that was so terrible to make you lose trust in the whole human race? You have all these swirls of thoughts based on past trauma. You have to see that’s not actually reality...

Yeah, I guess it doesn’t HAVE to look like crying but that’s still a goal. Thinking of just the last thing that I avoided was after I talked about hating hugs he asked about romantic relationships and how that would work then and I said something like “next topic” lol. Cause I don’t do...

He said it’s not normally like this but with people still coming back from the holidays it’s just weird fitting everyone in. He didn’t use the word weird lol. But that it’s just challenging at the moment and that it will normalize after awhile. And yeah, I did consider after initially posting...

Oh and my last t told me about Brene Brown. I love her! I have her books but haven’t read them all yet. I love her TED talks.

Yeah, in general I avoid being vulnerable. I’ve been working on it and letting myself be seen and say things. So I challenge myself but actually thinking about that I’ve done that in instances where I don’t have to see the people again! Or where I can easily not see them anymore. And I guess...

Ok, so with my last t of 2 and a half years I had lots of defensiveness and avoidance. After awhile the defensiveness got chipped away. I’m also a lot less avoidant now. The most vulnerable things I said to my last t I said by reading them aloud after first emailing them so she knew the content...

What happened?

No, that part I’m actually ok with. My evenings are kind of weird as well so I’m fine with it being random days/times actually. Surprisingly. But the changing times after it’s already been confirmed is where I’m gonna have issues. But it sounds like that won’t be so much a problem anymore. We...

My last t the appt was every day at the same time. I guess I just find myself comparing, you know? She treated me better than anyone else EVER so she set the standard. But his response was great so we are good again. I meant like the same day each week not every single day. That’d be intense lol!

I went ahead and wrote him a brief message because he just texted about it and if we could work on the scheduling so I don’t feel like I’m not a priority that would be great. Way easier to be direct when you’re not face to face hahaha!!!

Oh for sure, it can’t go on. The wiser version of myself tells me there are two people in this conversation so I need to talk to him about it. I can’t just expect everyone to know exactly what I think and what offends me. I could sit here all night in my anger and irritation and get even more...