Spending money on therapy?

[Scarlet13]

Hi,
I need your insights. I am recovering from financial infidelity from my husband. He mismanaged the money basically and lied about our finances to "protect me" while I was recovering from a long bout of insomnia.

He then got a great job (doubled his salary) and finally came clean. We are in marriage counseling.

So, I have been looking at all of our finances to see how we can cut costs. We have lowered our grocery bill and other bills.

We have good insurance now with a 20 dollar copay and no deductible needs to be met and its unlimited for in network mental health.

So, I have an out of network trauma therapist for me. I have done attachment/psychodynamic work with her, building up trust for 2 yrs.

She is a great T, a trauma specialist. Doing therapy with her sometimes feels visceral, like she is literally coming inside of me to pull out the pain.

I have complex trauma and many attachment issues which she understands the nuisances of.
I also just like her a lot (in addition to the attachment I have.) She is artsy and I love her analogies.
My issue is that the out of network only covers costs after a 2,500 deductible and that's at 60 percent.
So, in reality its thousands of dollars difference in network versus out of network T.
I love my out of network T. She is a good T. I have established 2 yrs of trust. But is she worth thousands of dollars difference that I could be using on debt?
I just feel guilty. And I wonder if I am wasting my money.

We can afford this cost and pay dwn the debt at the same time because of my husband's new job. We budgeted my out of network costs and can pay down the debt in 2 yrs and also meet our other needs.

But, I am in an extreme money saving state that it hurts to spend the money. She also just raised her rate by 10 percent, so I pay 110 a therapy hour now.

I came to her because I was unable to find a trauma specialist that I liked thru in network. I tried and went to many intakes.
I finally went out of network and have made progress. I have plans to do EMDR with her and I can tell she will be really good at that. I have read how important it is to build up trust and find a good T for EMDR.

My issue is that in addition to wanting to cut costs and save money, I am having a great experience with our in network T for marriage therapy. I found myself saying to myself, "See? Really good T's take insurance! Perhaps you should look again at using in network insurance for a trauma T."
But, I have looked again and nothing stands out.
I am also less picky about a marriage T.
The trauma work and attachment work is so hard and makes me sooo picky.
What do you think?
Save the money and use in network benefits and hope to find a good T?
(Going to more intakes seems stressful and losing my current T hard.)

Or stay with my current T, spend the money and keep doing the work?

 

[Muted]

Hi,
I need your insights. I am recovering from financial infidelity from my husband. He mismanaged th...

In my opinion, if you have developed good repore and trust with your t, it’s priceless and worth every cent. Going through trauma therapy can be hell at times and if you don’t have that solid relationship with your t it can sabatogue, slower the time it takes as well as increase the level of pain in your recovery.

 

[Stephernovas]

I’m sorry but I have PTSD from almost losing my life. Screw the damn debt, it’s always going to be there anyways. There is always going to be something that makes you wonder if spending money on yourself is worth it. The answer is YES. If you are already paying for it, chances are you recognize you need the support. Money comes and goes...your life...well, you don’t get that back.

 

[Scarlet13]

Thanks for these insights.
It is just hard now to justify this because our new insurance benefits being so good, not having to meet a deductible. 20 dollars versus 110 dollars a therapy hour. It just kills me. I don't like to spend money at all.
Money issues are woven into my trauma history, so I almost feel safer going the cheaper route. I also feel guilt because a lot of the debt is from me seeing this trauma t when we could not afford her!
Now we can, but I feel obsessed with cutting our costs. Its kind of like an extreme response, though, like my husband's actions triggered me and now I want to deprive myself.
But also the practicality of it! It is SUCH a diff in cost. I had thought that I had to go out of network because I went to so many sketchy in network intakes. I fell in love with my out of network T (therapeutically speaking) at the first appt. So I just thought, the better T's don't take insurance.

But then I started with a marriage T, who is in next work last night, and she is great!

So, that has me all mixed up. But I would not her for trauma work, she specializes in couples.

I have found, at least for me, that my trauma t really helps because she is a PsyD who is dedicated to trauma recovery. I have seen MA level T's before and they sort of seemed over whelmed by me. So, I don't know.

 

[Stephernovas]

Thanks for these insights.
It is just hard now to justify this because our new insurance benefits bei...

Actually, it sounds like you do know. I see you listing your pros and cons, except try writing them in a chart form for yourself. Maybe that will help you see and decide. If you want my opinion, I cannot believe you don’t think you’re worth it and will just “make due” with whatever fits in your benefits. It’s like everyone harassing me for spending money on a personal trainer. Hell yeah it’s expensive, but do I enjoy it? Yep. Do I get results? Yes. Okay, so why is it wrong to live my life this way? Oh wait. It’s not.

Yes it’s completely terrible that we have to add this fee into our budget because of harms from others and our inability to handle it on our own - yet. Think of it this way. If you had cancer and you were paying for a medication that worked well for you and you tolerated it, would you go to a generic brand that’s cheaper, but may or may not be as effective or consistently accessible to you? I mean it’s your life, so make your call, but take care of yourself first. By paying off debts, your simply making companies happier while stressing yourself out through this process...

 

[EveHarrington]

You can’t put a price on your health!

Besides, if you get a crappy in network therapist, you’re actually wasting MORE money.

 

[UnicornSightings]

Keep her.

 

[mumstheword]

You're worth it. Feel the fear (of spending money) and do it anyway.
Recovery is priceless, don't skimp on it.

I'm sure you could find other ways to cut costs, if you really feel the need to.

 

[scout86]

Money issues are woven into my trauma history,

So, maybe there's an extra benefit to spending the money.

All T's are definitely not created equal. Why spend the time and effort shopping and starting over, if you don't have to? Money is hard. Some people spend money they don't have to cope, others don't want to spend anything, to cope. (The latter group would include me, BTW.) So, maybe, as a part of your work with your trauma T, you can work on learning healthy ways to make choices about how to spend money. And do a little exposure therapy to help convince yourself you're worth it. Because you are, and it sounds like your T is too. I vote "spend the money".

 

[Scarlet13]

So, I love all these responses and I think because you are all echoing what's in my heart, I want to stay with my out of network T.
And I realize after posting this, there are deeper issues.

This feeling of guilt and now the guilt is even stronger because I want to save money and spend wisely. I think often of what I could do with the therapy money. By my daughter new clothes? Art supplies? Get out of debt faster?

@Stephernovas I like your personal trainer analogy, that is helpful. I just feel guilty about spending money on something "nice".

@EveHarrington I like your point. I agree. But when I experienced my in network marriage T, I saw that there are good, affordable options. She is not a trauma t, though. She gets PTSD (thank God).

But maybe that is the issue? Maybe its hard to find a good trauma T. I've been to many T's who claimed they could treat PTSD and they just seemed over whelmed, especially with the attachment stuff.
In fact, last night, in marriage therapy, she seemed to understand every thing and then I could tell she had to really think about it when I threw out my anxious/avoidance attachment issues. My trauma T never bats an eye when I throw out complicated trauma stuff.

 

[Scarlet13]

Some people spend money they don't have to cope, others don't want to spend anything, to cope. (The latter group would include me, BTW.)

Yes, this is so me. I like to save money to cope. I feel terrible spending it.
This is why my husband's financial lies were so appalling. Due to my insomnia and benzo withdrawal I asked him to manage the money. Well, it did not get managed well and a big part of that is my out of network costs!

So, now its so hard. I want to just save. It was my therapy costs (unmanaged) that went into the debt.
Now, it just hasn't sunk in that we can afford it with his new job. I have a maxed out credit card. I am 30 k in debt. We have plans to pay it down in a year and a half. I FEEL very, very poor and very scared.
I grew up poor and so it is hard to spend the money. Especially with this debt.
It also does not help that I am paying her with cash or check per session. It was less intrusive with credit card on file.
I paid her with ATM 20 dollars bills last week.
She remarked that because she works with survivors of sexual abuse and assault that she sees many strippers and she often gets money from that in 5 dollar, 10 dollar bills for therapy and she just did not know what to make of that, it was funny.

 

[scout86]

I'm self employed. I really like getting paid in cash. It can be easy to forget to claim it as income...... (I'm not endorsing not paying taxes!) 5's spend as good as anything. :)