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My mom wasn't any worse than I am

Overslept and missed all my therapy appointments, but honestly not sure they can help at this point. So tired of talk therapy

Very depressed. Took a career test. Shouldn't have ever worked for that doctor, confidence is permanently shot and I feel like I can't do anything because I'll just get it wrong. Hate being disabled and seen as stupid. Hate this.

Thank you Yesterday/last night/this morning I was able to think of some examples of things I did for my mom/her house while she was alive

Catching up on a lot of chores tonight, or at least staying up to date on them Ate an actual meal, though it was heavily processed and my gut could tell. I don't even want to know my cholesterol levels after these past few months ._.

Sorry for being so pessimistic. Not trying to hurt anyone here

I shouldn't have been born either, by the way. As a newborn I was upside down in my mom's womb and she had to get me cut out before I killed my twin brother. And as a child I wanted to die every day. They should have let me kill myself

I realize this sounds stupid but I also think the universe was trying to tell me to not bother with the PHP to be honest. The company that was supposed to help me get there every day kept not ordering rides for me and showing up incredibly late for every single ride for the two days I showed up...

She was doing her f*cking best. She went out of her way to try to make the world better, even when I tried to stop her because she was hurting herself because she had become so disabled because of my father. Me? I sleep. The older I get the more hours I need. It's over 12 hours a day now and I...

Why did I bother hoping i would leave this life behind. Whose life was I trying to make better? Because mine is much, much worse now than when I started undergrad. I thought I saw a future for a while but then I returned home, blamed my mom for pressuring me, and then ended by on disability with...

Like why do anything for me if I didn't for her? Why do I deserve it more than she did? I don't, is the answer.

Every now and then while going through this house I keep being like. Well maybe I should take that wallpaper down and paint the bathroom. And then I realize, why the f*ck didn't I do that while my mom was alive? Why the f*ck am I a bitter asshole about this stupid house? Should I even fix it...

I should have made sure she knew I was on her side at least. I kept saying I didn't want to get between her and my brother and now I've seen how full of hatred my brother is now, despite converting to Christianity, and I look like an idiot at best and an enabler at worst Saw a post that said...

It wasn't unusual for me or my mom to be in bed for over a day. But she couldn't get up and I should have done better to make sure she had a meal or something

I feel like I can't cook anything again, this time because I didn't do it enough for my mom and don't deserve the luxury myself. I deserve to starve :/ I do not see a future I want to live in. My twin brother has also cut me off for a big drama-related thing that I felt pressured to post...

I remember telling my best friend months before Madre's death that 99% of the time I'm hanging out with her, everything is fine and great, and I did feel greatful to have her. It was just that *I* sucked at coping with that 1% of times, and the environment was stressful enough on its own to me...

I hope she never felt like a burden to me

I did not go to PHP today. Will not tomorrow either. Hopefully insurance doesn't have a fit, as it was an emergency at 4am. Kiki may pass away soon and I don't want her to be at home without me during this time Re: mom. I mostly hope my mom knows I love her. I feel terrible for being...

Thank you I don't blame her either though. I think I've been dramatic/unfair in how I've made her look here in trying to cope

Thank you I'm not sure what "keeping things together" means but thank you for it

Yes, it's maybe 45 minutes away with regular traffic, but I've gotten insurance to secure me a ride back and forth for now in hopes it means I can actually show up regardless of if I'm falling asleep or not

Thoughts I sent to someone

O, and I did get accepted into the partial hospitalization program (php) ETA: I start next week

Thank you I do want to add that I really feel if it weren't for my father and her father that she wouldn't have had those struggles at all. I am not a very touchy person but I really wish I had hugged her more

The government is trying to take my sister's food stamps away because of "fraud," fraud being that she gave me and my brother inheritance money in cash. Just give her and her tiny son the damn food points