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Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

you really think she would be alive if you hadn't made her take care of herself?

No.

Hun - you badgering her about taking care of herself is what kept her alive as long as she was.

Yes - read that again.

Without you there to encourage and beg and badger her to do even little things, she would have probably died a long time ago. Because without you she wouldn't have done any of it. None. But with you behind her she was able to do at least a few things now and then to help herself and I'm guessing that added years to her life.

Could you save her? Nope. You can't save someone from themselves.
Could you have talked her into doing more? Nope She took the suggestions that were easy and did those -- but she wouldn't do the ones that would actually help change her life.

Your mom made choices. Just like we all do
Her choices led to her death
You couldn't make choices for her
You couldn't change how she wanted to live her life
This is very much filed under "you can bring a horse to water but you can't make it drink"

You could get her to take little sips
But you couldn't make her drink

Punishing yourself to try to prove that you did something wrong and that's why she died is just lying to yourself and trying to find a way to express grief.

But it's not true.
Like it or not, the reality is that you are blameless in her death
 
I did not go to PHP today. Will not tomorrow either. Hopefully insurance doesn't have a fit, as it was an emergency at 4am. Kiki may pass away soon and I don't want her to be at home without me during this time

Re: mom. I mostly hope my mom knows I love her. I feel terrible for being irrationally angry at everything
 
littleoc said:
I hope she never felt like a burden to me
Click to expand...
I took care of my mom while she was dying and the hospice nurse told me "it's ok to say you are angry about having to deal with this, deal with her, have to have your life rearranged just because your mom is dying. It's ok to want to call her a burden, because she is. But that's because you are tired and you are human, NOT because you don't love her. If you didn't love her you would be long gone by now."

Something I still remember 8 years later.
 
littleoc said:
I don't blame her either though. I think I've been dramatic/unfair in how I've made her look here in trying to cope
Click to expand...

I remember telling my best friend months before Madre's death that 99% of the time I'm hanging out with her, everything is fine and great, and I did feel greatful to have her. It was just that *I* sucked at coping with that 1% of times, and the environment was stressful enough on its own to me.

And at the end of my mom's life, that 1% was just, like. Her walking to the bathroom. I mean, literally.

But I told my friend that he gets to hear that 1% out of proportion because obviously I'm going to complain about that when I'm not around her to get it out of my system. I'm not going to complain about enjoying a conversation with my mom.

Which is what I mean by what I said in that previous message.

I genuinely feel like my life has fallen apart, and I was shocked when someone else in PHP said that they had goals after their mom's sudden traumatic death, alone because of COVID. Like, how do people just go one after something so heartbreaking? Honestly how

I mean, I guess I am, but what problems do people actually have that's not outshadowed by losing one of the biggest supporters you ever knew? Esp if you didn't see it until it was gone

I mean, yeah, I guess semi-feral still applies, but apparently I was getting a ton of support in my adult years, she was trying to do better, she was trying to love on us and keep her evil ex out of our lives. And normally I'd have had time to grieve my childhood properly or have someone finally say that she couldn't change the past and clearly wants to -- or if they did I didn't hear it because I had angry muffs on my ears, I don't know.

I do love her and did. It was a lot of horrible feels I had and they went against my values even then and left me feeling empty and hateful of myself.

And look what that got me. Nowhere. Just more emptiness and wishing I had saved her in time. A lot of guilt.

She wouldn't want me to feel this way but it's very hard not to
 
I feel like I can't cook anything again, this time because I didn't do it enough for my mom and don't deserve the luxury myself. I deserve to starve :/

I do not see a future I want to live in.

My twin brother has also cut me off for a big drama-related thing that I felt pressured to post about publicly on Facebook and even from my most unbiased view it still hurt to say a word about it

If my mom came back right now this second I would stop trying to enforce the boundaries other people suggested in trying to make my mom either take care of herself or find someone else who could. I'm so stupid

She'd probably legitimately be alive right now if I hadn't because I wouldn't have left her in bed for as long as I did

Two days in bed. I knew by day two she wasn't okay but no one who she was going to die, including the doctor. But a previous, less angry version of me who was doing a good job of ignoring the anger in favor of making sure my mom was okay was pushed aside out of burnout and people telling me she shouldn't expect so much of me. And yeah, maybe she shouldn't have, but maybe my family is full of a generation of immigrants who raised their kids and grandkids with different cultures than this stupid one I feel stuck in that causes people to be so independent that everyone is lonely and sad and you just lose everyone the older you get
 
I should have made sure she knew I was on her side at least. I kept saying I didn't want to get between her and my brother and now I've seen how full of hatred my brother is now, despite converting to Christianity, and I look like an idiot at best and an enabler at worst

Saw a post that said that being silent on these kinds of matters is being implicit in it, so I guess I accidentally helped my brother and his wife break my mom's heart. Which the first time helped lead to her heart attack where a third of her heart died and doctors told her she wouldn't live another decade, which we both forgot about,thankfully

I hate myself so much and I can't look forward to anything. This life is not worth living but I don't want to make people feel like they should have saved me, nor do I want the cats to have to make stressful transitions, etc.

Afterlife being possible is a nice thought but also stressful, I just wish I hadn't been forced to exist because I think all I do is cause trouble

Always viewed myself as someone who was kind but I don't know anymore
 
Every now and then while going through this house I keep being like. Well maybe I should take that wallpaper down and paint the bathroom.

And then I realize, why the f*ck didn't I do that while my mom was alive? Why the f*ck am I a bitter asshole about this stupid house? Should I even fix it up now, since she won't get to enjoy it anymore?
 

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