Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

Probably a good idea, yes

I am gutted with guilt and sadness and knowing I didn't do enough

Worse, my twin brother went off the deep end and I will have to cut him off. And I am not happy about this development

 

[Rose White]

Sending care @littleoc

 

[littleoc]

Thank you

He wants to hate my mom so badly for such stupid reasons

Also, one of my siblings got locked out of their hotel room and then went to the hotel receptionist to get back into their room, but then he drugged and raped them (all while their under-10yo child was in the hotel room, though thankfully the child called the police (didn't witness the rape, just the aftermath)) and the police tried to take their child away afterwards because they were "neglectful" because anyone on drugs regardless of if they chose to do them willingly or not is a neglectful parent. So obviously they stopped with the rape kit etc bc focus became keeping the child. Because police are f*cking stupid

Probably like the third or fourth time this has happened. And no dude was not arrested for rape so that's cool

 

[littleoc]

It really do just be one thing after another.

My mom's birthday was yesterday, and I relaxed and tried to be chill for that. It worked, it was peaceful

Problem is now it's the day after and I'm miss her so so much

So does the sibling who got raped by the way. They really wanted to be able to call her and at least get motherly support

Does anyone have even a small amount of good news lately?

I hope heaven is treating my mother extremely well. I just hope she's okay

 

[littleoc]

Trying to think of some positives -- I deep cleaned the bathroom, and that feels nice. I'm worried I might inherit this house but that's so.... idk, probably not important right now to be honest

I'm just pretty worried and anxious overall, and OCD is a bitch

My family, besides my twin brother, have been ultra supportive and it has been very very nice

I am still on a diet of cereal though, pretty much. Not enough food stamp money for much else due to an issue.

I am so overwhelmed but there have been a lot of good things, too

One of the cats is getting so sick that I doubt she has long left. But for right now she is okay

There are three new kittens who aren't technically mine but my bestie's, and they are super super cute :)

 

[littleoc]

I really wish I had deep cleaned the bathroom while my mom was still alive. She would have loved the comfort of it. I keep feeling so disappointed that I didn't do more for her

 

[littleoc]

I wanted the end of her life to be perfect. Her death was lovely, for a death, but. I wanted to fix her whole life for her and let her just enjoy it

 

[littleoc]

Still feels like I can call her and she'll just pick up

 

[Freida]

Still feels like I can call her and she'll just pick up

my mom has been gone for 5 years and I still feel like that,
Sorry this is so tough

 

[littleoc]

I feel so worthless, stupid, and cruel. I miss my mother and I wish I had talked with her more and enjoyed her presence more.

After the next voucher/section 8 extension, I am probably going to either stay at a mental hospital or try to do some sort of partial hospitalization where i can go home at night and do cat litter and pay bills. I'm not making enough money to pay said bill so am not sure about gas, but I am hoping maybe insurance can help. I don't know.

I feel so insignificant.

Also been thinking about my ex. Just how I hope she's well and I'm still sure she doesn't hope that for me. So.

Maybe twin brother turning out to be a jerk, added in with my little brother's ex wife refusing to "pick sides" (which is fine and understandable, it's just that twin brother is using her as evidence for something right now and I'm so overwhelmed) but also revealing that she had trauma with my other brother and it just being a very very bad time for this.

I feel empty and worthless and like there is no point to my survival. I feel like I have nothing and I never wanted to exist, and no matter what I do it's wrong and I am making a choice that will hurt someone or make me look like an evil person

 

[littleoc]

Even suicide is evil

Twin brother also wants to cut me off on the suspicion that i MIGHT be trans so it feels extra shitty that someone isn't acknowledging that and he's somehow in the right.

Owner of this site might agree based on previous evidence. I am just worthless

 

[littleoc]

Years of getting better and experiencing grief as angry towards my mother and for what. for me to just lose her like this. there's no one to be angry at now.

I guess a ghost, but what I MEAN is that i hate myself for having ever had that anger. I miss her so much and I am not doing well