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Thanks @Enaila. I know lots of people here get urges. It does help to know I'm not alone. I've been doing tons of stuff to distract myself, and doing lots of nice things for myself. It is working so far, but I feel so close to the edge. I am about to go shower so I can get ready for martial...

My T has let me see records when I've asked. We look at them together, and he explains the things I have questions about. He doesn't write the VAST majority of what I actually say. Most of what he writes is psychobabble to appease my insurance company. Sometimes, if we get to a breaking...

Seven days. I've had seven days of the most intense urge to cut that I've had in at least six years. It's also been six years since I last cut. Today I even found myself thinking, "If I just do shallow, short cuts, it will do the job and won't be dangerous." The problem is, shallow short...

Okay. This unsustainable state of being, sure is doing a good job of sustaining itself. I am out of ideas for how to calm things down. I'm resigned to feeling miserable and panicked and trapped and desperate. Some how, this will end. I don't know if therapy will fix it, or if it will just...

Thanks, @lostforgottensoul . My T is pretty amazing. I love the dropbox folder. He puts new files in every once in a while to help with relaxation and meditation stuff.

I see my therapist weekly, too. If I don't go at least three months in advance, I don't get in to see him. I rarely email my T, but it's so nice to have when I need it. We also have a shared folder on DropBox, where we keep my trauma narrative, some journal articles he's found for me, and a...

Thank you! Just took my sleep meds so should be sleeping soon. Looking forward to it. It's the only respite I have been able to get.

Thursday is a long time. I emailed him today. He got back to me a few minutes ago, and his words are exactly what I needed to hear. I still feel absolutely awful, but I've got a little better perspective on it now. His schedule is always full - I usually make my appointments 3 months in...

I do have a T. I see him on Thursday this week. I emailed him to let him know what's going on. He's very good at getting to the bottom of things, so I suspect he'll be able to help me.

@lostforgottensoul , thank you. I don't know why I have these urges. I don't actively WANT to hurt myself, but I feel COMPELLED to do so. Does that even make sense?? It's almost like someone is standing there with a gun to my head, ordering me to harm myself or they'll shoot. I don't want...

Thanks, @sun seeker . I sure hope you are right. I could really use some content, peaceful feelings.

Thank you, @sun seeker . It's miserable. But it would be worse if I gave in.

I write everything in advance for my T. Then we go through it together at my appointment - I read, he responds and asks questions and answers questions and gives advice and points out distorted cognitions. It has worked really well for me, as I tend to struggle a lot with putting words to what...

And now the intensity is ramping up even more. I genuinely hate this. I wish I hadn't ever started leaning on self harm to cope. I started when I was five. I can remember the first time so vividly. And from there it grew and took over. I've been free of it for almost six years now... I...

Thanks for all the stories, everyone. I personally love having our skunk. I wasn't thrilled at first, but once we named him, I started feeling a certain affection for him. He's so cute. And honestly, he's only sprayed near our house once in the years he's been around. I'm wondering if it...

@Friday and @sun seeker ... No changes anywhere except with my health. I have recently become quite anemic. I've been on iron supplements a few weeks. They shouldn't be causing any issues. But I will call the pharmacist tomorrow and have him review my medications to make sure there's no...

@sun seeker , Yes, there are anniversaries coming up. But I don't typically struggle until just a day or so before hand. And the season has always been hard. I'm not surprised that I'm struggling. I'm surprised by how severely I'm struggling. As I said, this is so much more intense than...

@Friday , Thank you. I'm not sure what changed. I just got through some difficult anniversaries, and there's more coming up. But nothing on Thursday or yesterday or today. So maybe it's anticipitory, related to anniversaries that will be coming up. I don't know what to think or say, other...

@lostforgottensoul Thank you. No need to apologize - it's a forum. Things get overlooked; it's just the way it is. I've been the queen of distraction today. I'm running on fumes right now, but I'm going to keep going until my husband gets home from work (in about two hours). Once he's home...

Had a LOT of SUPER vivid dreams last night, all about cutting myself. When I'd wake up, I could physically feel the cut, and was scared I'd actually done something to myself. Thankfully, it was all just dreams. This afternoon, things settled down a bit, but now as the sun goes down and the...

He's home now. We're in bed waiting for my sleep meds to kick in. I think sleep would be an excellent thing right now.

@sun seeker I will keep fighting until my husband gets home. Then I'm hoping his presence will help me refocus and get more grounded. I really don't want to go to the ER, but with urges like this, if I run out of fight, I will have no choice.

Thanks @sun seeker I just tried a cold shower. It was very unpleasant, but the urges are still just as strong. I typically panic when cold, and also when receiving deep pressure. But I'm going to try using ice cubes on the areas that are screaming out.

Thanks, @Joan I am doing everything that's ever worked - distraction, coloring, writing, tv, music, dancing, working out, martial arts, square breathing with and without meditation, guided imagery, progressive relaxation, kitty snuggles... I emailed my T to tell him what's going on and that...

So it's been lots of years since I last cut. I'm having too much trouble focusing to remember exactly how many. But tonight, for unknown reasons, I am having the strongest urges I've felt in years. Everything inside me is screaming out to do it. To be honest, I am wishing that when the urges...