Strongest Self Harm Urges In Years

[lostforgottensoul]

Im sorry that I havent seen this before now. Ive been having urges again too after months of no urges. Ive been trying to keep my mind busy. A hard task for me but so far has worked. Holding ice and stuff isnt working. I started to distract and run through DBT self soothing and as long I can keep my mind busy ive been able to not cut. Also posting on here and talking to people, having support, has helped. My mind busy stuff is more like hard puzzle games, researching, sometimes a movie or show but not always can that distract me. Maybe DBT distraction techniques?

Im sorry this has come back. I completely understand. Its hard. :hug:

 

[ShodokanJenn]

@lostforgottensoul Thank you. No need to apologize - it's a forum. Things get overlooked; it's just the way it is. I've been the queen of distraction today. I'm running on fumes right now, but I'm going to keep going until my husband gets home from work (in about two hours). Once he's home, I can ease off the techniques a bit and just try to draw comfort from his presence, and at the very least, I'll be pretty unlikely to hurt myself. Early to bed tonight. Big day tomorrow, so maybe things will be better after a full day instead of me just being here at home.

Off to try distraction technique 3,097,418.

 

[Friday]

But tonight, for unknown reasons, I am having the strongest urges I've felt in years.

This afternoon, things settled down a bit, but now as the sun goes down and the wind picks up and the temperature drops, I'm ramping back up again. I don't know what exactly to do about this, but I have to figure out something. This is not a sustainable pattern. Something has to change.

I am doing everything that's ever worked - distraction, coloring, writing, tv, music, dancing, working out, martial arts, square breathing with and without meditation, guided imagery, progressive relaxation, kitty snuggles..

So these 3 pieces really jumped out at me. This has come on out of the blue after years, none of your usual tricks are working at all, and you can feel it's not a one off (last night only) but is patterning.

Okay... So what's up? What's changed? I know you didn't know last night, but with some distance maybe things might be more clear? ...ERGO... If the symptom isn't responding, maybe parse out the cause // look at where this is coming from & hit it that way?

This is not a sustainable pattern. Something has to change.

<grin> Good on, & cheers, btw. Both for catching yourself yesterday... & also just f*cking love this attitude.

 

[sun seeker]

Is it possible there's an anniversary coming up? Something seasonal? It does seem odd that there is no obvious trigger, but then you mention sundown and cold. Have they had this effect on you before?

Can you turn up the head/put on a sweater/turn on all the lights to take the edge off?

 

[ShodokanJenn]

@Friday ,
Thank you. I'm not sure what changed. I just got through some difficult anniversaries, and there's more coming up. But nothing on Thursday or yesterday or today. So maybe it's anticipitory, related to anniversaries that will be coming up. I don't know what to think or say, other than I really hate this.

 

[sun seeker]

Is it easier today?

 

[ShodokanJenn]

Is it possible there's an anniversary coming up? Something seasonal? It does seem odd that there i...

@sun seeker , Yes, there are anniversaries coming up. But I don't typically struggle until just a day or so before hand. And the season has always been hard. I'm not surprised that I'm struggling. I'm surprised by how severely I'm struggling. As I said, this is so much more intense than it's been for years. I don't think it's been this intense even once since the last time I cut.

We've been keeping the lights on in the house, I'm nice and toasty in my pajamas...

As for easier today - no, not at all.

 

[sun seeker]

Sorry to hear that. :( Two days in a row of this? That's seriously tough.

Do you have therapy soon?

 

[Friday]

Thank you. I'm not sure what changed. I just got through some diffi...

I could totally be barking up the wrong tree... But what about outside of trauma-land? Any changes in your daily routine? Exercise? Eating? Interacting? Any coping mechanism that's usually solid that's been slacking for awhile the self ahem might be trying to fill?

(( You just got your blackbelt.... Cripes! Was that really May??? :confused: I could have sworn I just congratulated you. Okay. So it's not sudden change in training from test prep to not. Any general training changes over the summer? Even something subtle, like dropping a day, that might not cause any immediate effect, but build up over time? ))

Any recent Illness / Injury / Pregnancy / Dieting or other physical stress that's upping your need for coping mechanisms?

LOL... Don't get me wrong, shit days do just drop out of the blue / visit for a few, and return to normal. I just usually find if my own NuclearCopingMethods crop up, that there's almost always cause.

 

[sun seeker]

Any changes in your daily routine? Exercise? Eating? Interacting?

Changes in medication?

 

[ShodokanJenn]

@Friday and @sun seeker ... No changes anywhere except with my health. I have recently become quite anemic. I've been on iron supplements a few weeks. They shouldn't be causing any issues. But I will call the pharmacist tomorrow and have him review my medications to make sure there's no interactions with the iron, like maybe the iron causing certain meds to not absorb as well. It's also possible that the anemia itself is playing into this. It could also be just the changing weather. I fixed our furnace earlier today, so now the house is warmer, and that's good.

For the record, the urges are still there just as strong, and I hate it. But I'm not going to give in.

 

[ShodokanJenn]

And now the intensity is ramping up even more. I genuinely hate this. I wish I hadn't ever started leaning on self harm to cope. I started when I was five. I can remember the first time so vividly. And from there it grew and took over. I've been free of it for almost six years now... I won't stop fighting. I would give a LOT to have these emotions and urges and physical sensations fade away, even just for a day or two. I hate the constant fear and the slipping in and out of reality.