Okay. This unsustainable state of being, sure is doing a good job of sustaining itself. I am out of ideas for how to calm things down. I'm resigned to feeling miserable and panicked and trapped and desperate. Some how, this will end. I don't know if therapy will fix it, or if it will just suddenly fade away on its own, or if I'll somehow come up with some other way to deal with it. All I know for sure is that if I were to give in to the urge, it would start me down a horrible, painful path. Hurting myself would indeed get rid of a lot of the negative feelings... for a little bit. Then they'd come back, and the urges would be back, and there'd be tons more shame piled on top, and it would be even harder to resist. It's a slippery slope, and I can't let myself start down this path.
