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It's funny to look back at it now. I realize all the different "coping" things that I did back then. As a young kid, I could climb "my tree" and sit. I can remember sitting way up there crying - all the way at the top. Then - and now - the best thing is to go walk. As a teenager, it was an...

It's interesting that you mention "stairwell"... I remember actually hiding under a stair well. As I have gotten older, I can think thru the old house that I grew up in. I can remember hiding, and where, in each room of the house. Sometimes to cry, other times to hide. I have memories of hiding...

I really have no safe person. :( There were so many times, many different people...I think that I just learned that there is no one I can trust. I'm also still looking for my "safe place". As a kid, I could climb a tree--can't do that now at this age! LOL

Thank you for your suggestion. Speaking with anyone from church is very difficult for me. When I was very young I wrote a letter to God. I found it in my papers. I had forgotten that it even existed. (It was one of the proofs that I needed to confirm for myself that It did happen.) I do believe...

I'm so glad that it helps you. Feel free to write to me alone if you need too. I can also be there to just listen. I have gone thru many memories and I have many "demons" that I had to deal with. I have also had the experience's of disassociation.

I thought about that option. However, he was cremated and there was just a memorial service. Everyone was telling the wonderful stories and memories that they had...I just sat there trying not to throw up.

Empty. Lost. Alone. Confused. Sad. Tears.

I wish he was. :( I never found "that" person. (I kind of gave up trying) A special girlfriend knows me better than anyone. Trust is something that I don't think will ever happen to me - not completely, with anyone. There is so much ... "yucky" in my past, yet when I tried to share, it...

I try to write down things down. Sometimes I can't figure out what bothered me just then. But, later on I can look back and figure it out. Once I know what upset me it seems to reassure me that it was real (or that the feeling is real to me. Which is most important.) It took me years and lots...

Well, he's gone. The funeral service was last Saturday. I sat as far away as I could, while still showing that I was part of the "family". I just kept thinking to myself that "he is finally gone", it is over." I also have reassured myself that "all of Them" are dead now. I had quite a few who...

Thank you all for your thoughts. I think that I'm going to feel numb for a while. At least till all the services and "stuff" are done. I'm not sure what will happen after that. I have been numb to a lot of it for years. I admire anyone who is brave enough to say "anything" to the family. I can't...

At this very moment-as I'm writing this- my abuser/father is passing. Some family is with him continuously. I must work, so I won't go see him till later - if I choose to. My husband has been wonderful and realizes how hard this is for me. We went last night to see him. I couldn't figure out...

It sounds like you're doing a wonderful job. Love. Acceptance. Comfort. Understanding. Don't worry. These "systems" are common for someone who has been hurt like this. I had some of the same things happen to me when I was back in my 20's. I dated him. Then we married--then the memories started...

I was looking for a place to post this. Just some advice that has worked for me. (I hope someone can use it) I have quite a few "people" that hurt me. Some many times and some only once. Some of them don't even have faces in my memories. It took me years to be able to keep the memories at the...

I feel bad for you too. I get it with the loud noise. My husband has a loud voice - even when he is not angry. I ask him to lower his voice and assure him that I do want to hear what he is saying, but he just says that "that's how I talk. I can't change it."

I can certainly relate to your issues. My dad is still alive at 98 years old! I don't know what I will feel when he goes...will it be relief or sadness? I have multiple abusers, some that I don't even know their name or face. I convinced myself to believe they are all gone - except my dad. (I...

I know that I'm not "broken". But I often wonder who I was meant to be. My abuse started when I was so young. I see people with such more successful lives, and I wish I had been given the chance to have it too. I watch the T.V. and see actors and Politian's that are doing so much with their...

Thanks, Friday. I had never thought of it that way - as armor. It's interesting that now it is almost embarrassing to show up to a summer picnic in jeans and a fancy shirt instead of shorts and a t-shirt. But it is a good way to think of it. I have often told my friends that the better I look...

Does anyone find themselves dressing up nicer when around the family? I have always been overdressed when with my family. When we all went to see my dad for his birthday, everyone had on shorts and casual stuff. I wore blue jeans and a nice shirt-even nice jewelry. I have always felt like...

You're right about showing a different face in public. Our family went to church every Sunday and we appeared a "balanced" family. No one knew what was going on behind closed doors. (Back in the 70's, these things were "family business " and not to leave the house.

I was abused by both my father and my grandfather. The family was able to deal with my grandfather, because he had passed on before I remembered. My dad, however, is still alive. He is 98 years old. No one in the family will acknowledge it or speak of it. It will always be the "elephant in the...

I know I don't "have" to share the details - but going thru them makes them more real to me. It's kind of like the "little girl" who wants to tell mommy - and be believed. However, it is still very difficult to tell them. I'm so worried that they will be too much for the T. (I don't want to end...

I was so young when the first person hurt me. Then a little older for the next. (both in the immediate family) Then as the years went on, I was able to "not feel" anything. When the other people (outside the family) hurt me, one by one, as I got older. I just went on with life. (I can remember...

My family is foreign to me. No one wants to understand or even acknowledge what happened. I thought I found a supportive family...I have been married to him for 16 years. There is no one in his family either. I had hopes. Now even he is telling me to "just move on". I feel so alone- again, with...

I go thru this too. I have so much "bad" from my childhood, that it is hard to even know where to start. My memory has been terrible for as long as I can remember. I am only now starting to know what happened back then. I still don't feel much of the emotions, but I can tell you the story. I...