Abuser on deadbed

[katz]

At this very moment-as I'm writing this- my abuser/father is passing. Some family is with him continuously. I must work, so I won't go see him till later - if I choose to. My husband has been wonderful and realizes how hard this is for me. We went last night to see him. I couldn't figure out what I was feeling - if anything. I didn't know even what to say to him (between him and me)

I know that he is technically gone...so whatever I say or do is only for my benefit, not his. Do I want to mourn him, after all he is my father? Or keep my rage inside me? I wish I could unload some of it on to him.

I did whisper to him to rest in peace. I also told him that it is time for his judgement day. (All spoken quietly to him alone) I can't seem to get in touch with my feelings...should I cry or be angry? So much of me wants to just lash out and release my rage on him. (don't worry, I won't).

I think I'm going to find a quiet way to let him know how angry I am at him. Maybe I'll just pinch his finger really hard. Just some way or place to put my rage at him for what he did to me. There will be no funeral. He is being cremated. Then we will have some sort of family gathering for family, later this month. (Out of town relatives can only make it later on)

I'm feeling so lost...

 

[arfie]

empathy, katz. when my father passed in 2005 (almost 20 years already! ! !) i was working with a spiritual advisor who was unusually insistent (for her) that i attend the grief support group at our church. her premise was that when a loved one dies, it is the loss of a physical presence. the love lives on. when an abuser dies, it is the death of hope. the opportunity for reconciliation dies with him/her. is there a loss more tragic than the death of hope? several of the fellow members of the support group thanked me for the reminder that they can let their departed loved ones be fully human, flaws and all. no beatification needed.

when my equally abusive mother passed in 2017, full processing came more easily to me for the work i had done with my father. i remain eternally grateful for the suggestion from that gentle and humble spiritual advisor. for her to insist on anything was a shock to my thought processes.

 

[Charbella]

At this very moment-as I'm writing this- my abuser/father is passing. Some family is with him continuously. I must work, so I won't go see him till later - if I choose to. My husband has been wonderful and realizes how hard this is for me. We went last night to see him. I couldn't figure out what I was feeling - if anything. I didn't know even what to say to him (between him and me)

I know that he is technically gone...so whatever I say or do is only for my benefit, not his. Do I want to mourn him, after all he is my father? Or keep my rage inside me? I wish I could unload some of it on to him.

I did whisper to him to rest in peace. I also told him that it is time for his judgement day. (All spoken quietly to him alone) I can't seem to get in touch with my feelings...should I cry or be angry? So much of me wants to just lash out and release my rage on him. (don't worry, I won't).

I think I'm going to find a quiet way to let him know how angry I am at him. Maybe I'll just pinch his finger really hard. Just some way or place to put my rage at him for what he did to me. There will be no funeral. He is being cremated. Then we will have some sort of family gathering for family, later this month. (Out of town relatives can only make it later on)

I'm feeling so lost...

Could you unleash all the rage you can muster in a letter? Place it in his coffin?

 

[Movingforward10]

Could you tell him that you are angry at what he did to you?

Maybe working out feelings is too much right now because this is a lot to deal with? Those feelings will come, no doubt.
Maybe it might be helpful to have them numbed out for a bit to help through this and be able to think what you want to say?

And maybe to take the pressure off, if he is technically gone and can't hear you or can't process what you're saying (as they say hearing is the last thing to go), then maybe the pressure to say something before he dies is not there? As if it is for you, you can say it any time. You can say it to him when you remember him and think about him. You can say it at any memorial for him (to yourself or out loud)
It's about how you hold this and how you express this for yourself.

 

[looking for the road]

I am sorry for your hard time. Five years ago my dad died with a whole lot not said. Personally I wrote a letter to him saying almost everything I felt. I put in his jacket pocket and said more at the time. My brother said that we will say something at the church about him. With this surprise anxiety attack came and came very hard. Trying to keep carm to my turn it happened. What I felt about him came out. Not able to stop trying I was not able to stop it felt like hours standing there saying my feelings. Being mad, feelings sorry his death. To a shock two of my brothers and sisters stood up and clapping other people clapping that I had said the truth. Five of my brothers and sisters have not talked to me from that day yet I have felt good from then on which is the best thing for me. I do hope that you can find the peace in side your self as you move on in life.

 

[whiteraven]

.should I cry or be angry?

For me, it was about just letting go of all the shoulds and going with how I felt. My dad died in 2008, and it was peaceful. I had mostly come to terms with everything, though, and just saw him as another human being who was at the end of this life.