Abuser on deadbed

[katz]

empathy, katz. when my father passed in 2005 (almost 20 years already! ! !) i was working with a spiritual advisor who was unusually insistent (for her) that i attend the grief support group at our church. her premise was that when a loved one dies, it is the loss of a physical presence. the love lives on. when an abuser dies, it is the death of hope. the opportunity for reconciliation dies with him/her. is there a loss more tragic than the death of hope? several of the fellow members of the support group thanked me for the reminder that they can let their departed loved ones be fully human, flaws and all. no beatification needed.

when my equally abusive mother passed in 2017, full processing came more easily to me for the work i had done with my father. i remain eternally grateful for the suggestion from that gentle and humble spiritual advisor. for her to insist on anything was a shock to my thought processes.

Thank you for your suggestion. Speaking with anyone from church is very difficult for me.

When I was very young I wrote a letter to God. I found it in my papers. I had forgotten that it even existed. (It was one of the proofs that I needed to confirm for myself that It did happen.)
I do believe in Him, and I also believe that He is very patient, and will be there when I'm ready to talk to Him.

 

[katz]

I'm so, so sorry for all that's been going on and what you've been through @katz. I wish I had more time to reply.

Whatever you feel is fine. And it's important to voice it, especially out loud, even in private in the air.

Re: the will: One thing we know is we can't control other people's thoughts or actions. They could be trying to make an amend or cause more harm, or neither. We don't know that either.

The only thing I would say is if your H is your safe person/ safe place he should come if you want. Especially if it's a lot to handle (it is), +/or you feel it likely you will second guess yourself and what you hear. Having someone a bit removed helps take in more info than when you are already overwhelmed.

Love to you. Xoxoxox

I really have no safe person. :(
There were so many times, many different people...I think that I just learned that there is no one I can trust. I'm also still looking for my "safe place". As a kid, I could climb a tree--can't do that now at this age! LOL

 

[Tinyflame]

Lol. Yes funny @katz I feel the same. Saw a tree house yesterday. I'd probably do better under a stairwell.

 

[deno]

Thank you for your honesty. Reading your words hit something tender in me. I’ve wondered what I’d feel if my own remaining family passed. Would I feel guilty for not caring? Maybe. But I’ve come to believe that not everyone gets closure in the traditional sense. Sometimes, survival is the closure. You’ve carried pain, truth, and strength, and I hope you can permit yourself to feel exactly what’s real—for you, not anyone else.

 

[katz]

Lol. Yes funny @katz I feel the same. Saw a tree house yesterday. I'd probably do better under a stairwell.

It's interesting that you mention "stairwell"... I remember actually hiding under a stair well. As I have gotten older, I can think thru the old house that I grew up in. I can remember hiding, and where, in each room of the house. Sometimes to cry, other times to hide.
I have memories of hiding under stairwells in other people's houses too. Some family, some not.

Funny that sometimes I can feel safe in a locked car. Knowing that no one can get in. I have sat in a parking lot and just watched the cars go by. I can almost feel safe enough to cry.

.

 

[Tinyflame]

I like your post @katz , and yet not, if you know what I mean. I get it. I have often wondered if I could drive (I can't medically) that I would have been gone so many times.

I think the 'feeling safe' is still feeling safe, whatever that might look like for you. It is very hard to also 'allow' ourselves to feel safe. That is, to not only cognitively weigh facts that refute the unsafe feeling but to be actually able to let our guard down.

I'm not sure closure as people might think of it is possible no matter which way things go, but acceptance is more my ongoing goal. Not easy to do and still maintain or attain a modicum of hope, but it will have to do atm. I think the acceptance can come but the emotional impact can remain, whether that be sadness for some or anger or forgiveness, or what-have-you. It is a long and nuanced process. Many hugs to you xox.

ETA, I guess @katz for better or worse our lives make us who we are, or at least influence it: what we prioritize, what we seek, what we define as being meaningful, our capacities and our hesitancies. But also our abilities to perhaps relate or see the world and people in our own unique ways. It can be an obstacle often but also a bridge, sometimes, at least in terms of relating or tenderness of heart.

Hang in there.

 

[katz]

It's funny to look back at it now. I realize all the different "coping" things that I did back then. As a young kid, I could climb "my tree" and sit. I can remember sitting way up there crying - all the way at the top. Then - and now - the best thing is to go walk. As a teenager, it was an escape. Away from all the yelling and danger that was home. Now-a-days, I just walk to the park and....sit. There are no tears...just silence. Escape.

I really hoped that now that I know "they" are all dead, I could mourn and feel the pain of the "little girl" deep inside me. I try to tell her that she is safe now. I think that she has given up or is buried too deep to ever come out.

 

[Tinyflame]

I used to do the same @katz . I think I became too tired to do even that. I never tried to relate to any inner child, as I feel like I am 1/2 one anyway. Perhaps from being-'different'? IDK.

Please don't go so hard on yourself. Grieving is a process.

No matter how we feel it's up to us how much we choose to identify with it, as very few if any would know otherwise and may be consumed with equivalent thoughts about themself.

I hope you can find some peace. Hugs to you.

 

[katz]

I am sorry for your hard time. Five years ago my dad died with a whole lot not said. Personally I wrote a letter to him saying almost everything I felt. I put in his jacket pocket and said more at the time. My brother said that we will say something at the church about him. With this surprise anxiety attack came and came very hard. Trying to keep carm to my turn it happened. What I felt about him came out. Not able to stop trying I was not able to stop it felt like hours standing there saying my feelings. Being mad, feelings sorry his death. To a shock two of my brothers and sisters stood up and clapping other people clapping that I had said the truth. Five of my brothers and sisters have not talked to me from that day yet I have felt good from then on which is the best thing for me. I do hope that you can find the peace in side your self as you move on in life.

I congratulate you on speaking your mind. I tried to do that many years ago.... The whole family was angry at me. They yelled and blamed me more - of course "He" denied it. Even my mom was yelling. I took my defeat and apologized publicly. This felt like being traumatized all over again.

After that, all the memories and thoughts were buried again. For at least 5 years, there was nothing. No feelings. No memories. Nothing. I guess my mind just couldn't handle it. I was alone inside.

It was many years later till the memories started coming back. This time they stayed. I have always believed that the mind is a wonderful thing. I tell this to many other people.. "you will only remember as much as you can handle, and you will also only remember enough for you.

Using these thoughts gives me the faith to keep going even if I don't remember everything. I don't need to. Only enough.

 

[katz]

I used to do the same @katz . I think I became too tired to do even that. I never tried to relate to any inner child, as I feel like I am 1/2 one anyway. Perhaps from being-'different'? IDK.

Please don't go so hard on yourself. Grieving is a process.

No matter how we feel it's up to us how much we choose to identify with it, as very few if any would know otherwise and may be consumed with equivalent thoughts about themself.

I hope you can find some peace. Hugs to you.

I keep seeing myself as a little one inside. "She" is so young and so frightened. She is crying for help..(tears even thinking this sentence) That is what makes me try to find her. I want to assure her that she is safe now and not to blame herself. The adult me still feels anger that I even have to do this. The adults back then were supposed to help her and no one rescued her. Now, I have too.

 

[Tinyflame]

I didn't realize you have a husband @katz . At least hopefully he does not blame you like your family did. If he and your gf are not against you they are for you. Even if that feels like an uncomfortable realization. If by their actions they deserve trust it is selling them short not to risk giving it. You can only try. Baby steps.