Abuser on deadbed

[katz]

At this very moment-as I'm writing this- my abuser/father is passing. Some family is with him continuously. I must work, so I won't go see him till later - if I choose to. My husband has been wonderful and realizes how hard this is for me. We went last night to see him. I couldn't figure out what I was feeling - if anything. I didn't know even what to say to him (between him and me)

I know that he is technically gone...so whatever I say or do is only for my benefit, not his. Do I want to mourn him, after all he is my father? Or keep my rage inside me? I wish I could unload some of it on to him.

I did whisper to him to rest in peace. I also told him that it is time for his judgement day. (All spoken quietly to him alone) I can't seem to get in touch with my feelings...should I cry or be angry? So much of me wants to just lash out and release my rage on him. (don't worry, I won't).

I think I'm going to find a quiet way to let him know how angry I am at him. Maybe I'll just pinch his finger really hard. Just some way or place to put my rage at him for what he did to me. There will be no funeral. He is being cremated. Then we will have some sort of family gathering for family, later this month. (Out of town relatives can only make it later on)

I'm feeling so lost...

 

[arfie]

empathy, katz. when my father passed in 2005 (almost 20 years already! ! !) i was working with a spiritual advisor who was unusually insistent (for her) that i attend the grief support group at our church. her premise was that when a loved one dies, it is the loss of a physical presence. the love lives on. when an abuser dies, it is the death of hope. the opportunity for reconciliation dies with him/her. is there a loss more tragic than the death of hope? several of the fellow members of the support group thanked me for the reminder that they can let their departed loved ones be fully human, flaws and all. no beatification needed.

when my equally abusive mother passed in 2017, full processing came more easily to me for the work i had done with my father. i remain eternally grateful for the suggestion from that gentle and humble spiritual advisor. for her to insist on anything was a shock to my thought processes.

 

[Charbella]

At this very moment-as I'm writing this- my abuser/father is passing. Some family is with him continuously. I must work, so I won't go see him till later - if I choose to. My husband has been wonderful and realizes how hard this is for me. We went last night to see him. I couldn't figure out what I was feeling - if anything. I didn't know even what to say to him (between him and me)

I know that he is technically gone...so whatever I say or do is only for my benefit, not his. Do I want to mourn him, after all he is my father? Or keep my rage inside me? I wish I could unload some of it on to him.

I did whisper to him to rest in peace. I also told him that it is time for his judgement day. (All spoken quietly to him alone) I can't seem to get in touch with my feelings...should I cry or be angry? So much of me wants to just lash out and release my rage on him. (don't worry, I won't).

I think I'm going to find a quiet way to let him know how angry I am at him. Maybe I'll just pinch his finger really hard. Just some way or place to put my rage at him for what he did to me. There will be no funeral. He is being cremated. Then we will have some sort of family gathering for family, later this month. (Out of town relatives can only make it later on)

I'm feeling so lost...

Could you unleash all the rage you can muster in a letter? Place it in his coffin?

 

[Movingforward10]

Could you tell him that you are angry at what he did to you?

Maybe working out feelings is too much right now because this is a lot to deal with? Those feelings will come, no doubt.
Maybe it might be helpful to have them numbed out for a bit to help through this and be able to think what you want to say?

And maybe to take the pressure off, if he is technically gone and can't hear you or can't process what you're saying (as they say hearing is the last thing to go), then maybe the pressure to say something before he dies is not there? As if it is for you, you can say it any time. You can say it to him when you remember him and think about him. You can say it at any memorial for him (to yourself or out loud)
It's about how you hold this and how you express this for yourself.

 

[looking for the road]

I am sorry for your hard time. Five years ago my dad died with a whole lot not said. Personally I wrote a letter to him saying almost everything I felt. I put in his jacket pocket and said more at the time. My brother said that we will say something at the church about him. With this surprise anxiety attack came and came very hard. Trying to keep carm to my turn it happened. What I felt about him came out. Not able to stop trying I was not able to stop it felt like hours standing there saying my feelings. Being mad, feelings sorry his death. To a shock two of my brothers and sisters stood up and clapping other people clapping that I had said the truth. Five of my brothers and sisters have not talked to me from that day yet I have felt good from then on which is the best thing for me. I do hope that you can find the peace in side your self as you move on in life.

 

[whiteraven]

.should I cry or be angry?

For me, it was about just letting go of all the shoulds and going with how I felt. My dad died in 2008, and it was peaceful. I had mostly come to terms with everything, though, and just saw him as another human being who was at the end of this life.

 

[katz]

Thank you all for your thoughts. I think that I'm going to feel numb for a while. At least till all the services and "stuff" are done. I'm not sure what will happen after that. I have been numb to a lot of it for years.
I admire anyone who is brave enough to say "anything" to the family. I can't do that. I tried to bring it out years ago - everyone erupted at me instead. It was like being traumatized all over again. Then I publicly apologized for accusing him, which added more trauma feelings.

So, now I just shut down when I'm with any family member. I tell my husband that I "put on my mask" for any family gatherings.

One of the things that I keep saying to myself is "it's over". My dad was the last one of all the men that hurt me to be gone. I tell myself that all of them will face Judgement Day sometime. (Since I have no name or face for the others)

So, I say again "it's over"....

I know that the emotions are in me. It's just going to be hard to let them out. Because every time I have tried, I end up in the hospital. I have a friend that knows the whole truth of all the things that happened, so I'm hoping to go see her soon. I just need to keep "my mask" on till all the formalities are over. Probably till the end of the month.

 

[katz]

Well, he's gone. The funeral service was last Saturday. I sat as far away as I could, while still showing that I was part of the "family". I just kept thinking to myself that "he is finally gone", it is over." I also have reassured myself that "all of Them" are dead now. I had quite a few who "hurt" me during my childhood. Some family, some strangers. But, now They are all dead. My father was the last one. He was 98 years old. (That's why I believe that all of Them are gone too.)

It's funny but as the years have gone on..it has taken a certain physical feeling inside of me to convince me that each of them was not just in my imagination. Well, while the service was going on, I felt the horrible feeling of wanting to throw up. That was enough for me. It left me with no doubts that it happened.

So, now what? I'm feeling so lost and alone. I can't find peace or comfort in anything that I say or do. I still have one more thing to go thru. The reading of the Will. What will I feel if he left me anything? What can I do to comfort myself? The lawyer wants to see me alone - not even with my husband. I'm so nervous.

It's funny to realize that now would be the time that I would ask my parents for advice. Sounds odd, doesn't it? I know that they both had more education than me and would have a better idea of what to do with any inheritance-if anything is left. I don't even know what to expect. I told the "secret" years ago and the whole family erupted at me, so I figured that I had been written out. So, now I just wait....

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm so, so sorry for all that's been going on and what you've been through @katz. I wish I had more time to reply.

Whatever you feel is fine. And it's important to voice it, especially out loud, even in private in the air.

Re: the will: One thing we know is we can't control other people's thoughts or actions. They could be trying to make an amend or cause more harm, or neither. We don't know that either.

The only thing I would say is if your H is your safe person/ safe place he should come if you want. Especially if it's a lot to handle (it is), +/or you feel it likely you will second guess yourself and what you hear. Having someone a bit removed helps take in more info than when you are already overwhelmed.

Love to you. Xoxoxox

 

[zukanan]

It’s completely understandable to feel uncertain or even numb in this situation. When someone who has caused deep pain is at the end of their life, emotions can be incredibly complex—grief, anger, relief, guilt, indifference, or a mix of all these feelings. There is no “right” way to feel or respond.


You’ve already taken a step by visiting him, and whether you choose to go again is entirely up to you. If you do, you don’t have to force words or emotions that don’t come naturally. You might simply acknowledge his passing in a way that feels true to you—whether that means saying something, just being present, or even deciding not to go at all.


During times like this, finding small moments of comfort can help. Some people turn to journaling, talking with a loved one, or even simple distractions like reading comics for pleasure to momentarily step away from overwhelming emotions.

Your husband sounds like a strong support for you, which is important. No matter what you choose, be kind to yourself. You’re navigating a situation that doesn’t have easy answers, and whatever you feel is valid.

 

[katz]

I'm so, so sorry for all that's been going on and what you've been through @katz. I wish I had more time to reply.

Whatever you feel is fine. And it's important to voice it, especially out loud, even in private in the air.

Re: the will: One thing we know is we can't control other people's thoughts or actions. They could be trying to make an amend or cause more harm, or neither. We don't know that either.

The only thing I would say is if your H is your safe person/ safe place he should come if you want. Especially if it's a lot to handle (it is), +/or you feel it likely you will second guess yourself and what you hear. Having someone a bit removed helps take in more info than when you are already overwhelmed.

Love to you. Xoxoxox

I wish he was. :(

I never found "that" person. (I kind of gave up trying) A special girlfriend knows me better than anyone. Trust is something that I don't think will ever happen to me - not completely, with anyone. There is so much ... "yucky" in my past, yet when I tried to share, it exploded at me. So I ended up thinking that there never would be anyone.

The councilor that I am seeing now still has not earned my trust. So, my Demons remain buried...

 

[katz]

Could you unleash all the rage you can muster in a letter? Place it in his coffin?

I thought about that option. However, he was cremated and there was just a memorial service. Everyone was telling the wonderful stories and memories that they had...I just sat there trying not to throw up.