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Hashi, I experienced a trauma when I was 29 and have only partial memory of the incident itself, and fragmented and incomplete memory of the days and weeks that followed the incident. To date, I have not recovered any of the missing memory from that time. Not sure if this is what you mean, or...

Post away Pencil.

Justmehere, try not to overthink this, though I know that's much easier said than done. It sounds as though you have an intuitive and proactive T who anticipated both that you may find her absence difficult (which many many many of us do) and also that you might find it difficult to acknowledge...

Meadowsweet, I relate deeply and appreciate this thread, which resonates with me in much the way you describe. I wish my head was in a more cooperative space for sharing... At a simplistic level, I separate my abuse into acts of commission (perpetrated by men) and acts of omission (mostly...

Looking forward to anything has also been almost impossible lately, even when my head tells me to. Right now, I am trying to look forward to going rowing in the morning. It often lifts my mood, even if only briefly. Having just gotten out of hospital today, I am looking forward to getting...

I have a difficult relationship with the act of looking forward. Often I feel unable to really "feel" the positive anticipation that my brain tells me ought to be there when thinking about upcoming events that will probably give me some respite or positive distraction. I try to make myself...

Philippa, and everyone else out here reading this thread. I wish I was in a space to contribute more to this right now, as it is enormously painfully relevant in my life, which is part of why I'm just not in that space I suppose. I hope that it's an evolutionary thing, and that some time soon...

Ms Spock, I too am deeply saddened, and angered, to hear of your experience. I am unsure what to say next, as I don't want to be responsible for taking this thread into anything more political or controversial than is helpful... So I just wanted to clarify that I haven't personally had any...

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate Ms Spock, and to stumble upon your abuser at a time like this must have been a horrific shock. Really really hoping you're being as gentle with yourself as you can be, and glad you're reaching out for help. My therapist told me about the suicide...

I have also found them to be by far the most useful of the hotlines. The wait time is usually quite short and the counsellors seem well trained, confident, responsive and have genuinely helpful and real suggestions. They also offer online counselling, though you do have to book in advance...

Well, belatedly, I too had a decidedly non-Christmas 25th of December, filled with a very complex mix of emotions and reactions that are too complicated for my brain to have even sorted out yet. There was a lot of pain and grief, aloneness and despair, and yet also a degree of relief and a...

For what it's worth, I did, as expected, avoid the trauma group Xmas party/luncheon. To be fair, the group facilitator was very and openly respectful of the many and varied difficulties associated with going, and encouraged open discussion and in-depth preparation beforehand for those who were...

So so relieved for you Abstract, for both the process being managed, and the outcome being not what they feared. Interestingly, my blood pressure has also been dangerously low just prior to any surgery or procedure I have ever had - so much so that it has prevented the procedure on several...

You are right Hashi, on all counts. I actually have no intention of going and plan to simply e-mail in sick that morning. I suspect that the group facilitator will see straight through that excuse, but quite frankly, I don't care, even though she will almost certainly raise it with me at a...

I really did appreciate your lightheartedness about the trauma programme party Hashi. It was kind of what I thought, amidst utter incredulity, when I first heard about the concept. Unfortunately it's not a joke, and most of what makes this unfortunate is the extent to which I feel like an...

Hashi, I feel a little mute to offer more than has already been said. I had an overwhelmingly intense wash of painful empathy when reading your post, both because I have endured very similar Xmas parties, for very similar reasons, with very similar stressors in the past, and because even just...

I'm sorry Muse, I had totally forgotten about this thread, and was shocked and taken aback to realise that so much time has passed, and so much has happened, since I first wrote on it almost 18 months ago. I am currently on what I suppose could be classified as short-term disability. It's...

Orglethorp's last post exactly sums up how I felt about the ultimate ending, including the acknowledgement that I know the emotional emptiness and, in a sense, shared loss, of it all was presumably being conveyed through this brevity. Excellent concept and theory... didn't quite work for me in...

Badger raises a really interesting point here. I think that by necessity, the physical dynamics and environment of the therapeutic setting can feel somewhat daunting and clinical and sterile - the two of us sitting there, facing each other, in a relatively small, relatively impersonal physical...

I think you've mostly described my experiences with this too Firedrift, and I wasn't quite game to comment until your response for some reason, so thank you! Absolutely any thought, feeling or behaviour in myself that I associate with thinking, feeling or behaving in a childlike manner, totally...

Thanks Hashi. At this point, I think that's what I think and feel too, though at the same time,I feel as though my thoughts and feelings aren't necessarily coming from a strong or stable place - stable, in this sense, meaning resistant to changing or shifting again. Theoretically, I sometimes...

Lots of empathy coming your way Mytai, both for the pain and shame and confusion of the body memories themselves, and for the struggle to explain or share them. As many others have said, I too have experienced them on and off for a long time now, but didn't recognize them as such (or want to)...

Gentle, heartfelt encouragement coming your way. You're right, the early sessions are tough, and there's just no way of sugar coating or avoiding that. For what it's worth, it sounds as though you are progressing in the right direction at a pretty good speed, though I'm sure it doesn't feel...

I'm sorry Muse, I wish there was an answer, or a path ahead that wasn't lined with risks and further pain. Obviously the decision to go to the police or not is an individual one, for everyone, based on a thousand factors and then some. Yes, it is very very difficult without corroborating...

Gentle caring nudge from over this way too...