Work Christmas Parties

[Abstract]

They weren't laughing at me and didn't really mean it - I hope.

I really doubt it! But... ouch!

I keep telling myself that if it was obvious I had real mental health issues they wouldn't have been laughing about it.

I agree totally! What I like to remind myself is that there are people with an array of interesting quirks in the work. In general people just take it as part for the bigger normal experience of different personalities. I really doubt you stand out in any important way.

YET ANOTHER foolish mistake

I really really really hate this. I never used to make mistakes ever. It seems that the present I am the less I am able to keep the lid on things in some senses. Good luck. Remember people do make mistakes and you are a person.

Also on the fact that I can't really fake it any more. I used to be so high functioning that other people at work actually envied me, and had no idea I was anything other than capable and confident. Clearly, that's no longer the case. All I can aim for now is to do a good enough job, not come over as negative, and try not to criticise myself too harshly.

I relate to this so much. And yes. :cry: I try to remind myself repeatedly that that was an empty comfort in many senses. Sometimes I believe myself.

In the past neurotic was one of the worst things I could ever say to myself and sadly with each step of fitting into myself and choosing self care over the veneer of perfection I feel more and more neurotic.

Maybe neurotic is just another word for being alive and fighting some battles.

 

[Bluerose]

I too think you dealt with that very well. I too would have freaked at the crowd and the noise. Showing willing, especially in a job situation can be really tough. Sorry it was so stressful but once again, I think you handled it really well. And the time you spent with the homeless person was also amazing. You’re a star. The steak house situation sounds like it’ll be tough. Wish I had more to offer.

 

[maddog]

I really did appreciate your lightheartedness about the trauma programme party Hashi. It was kind of what I thought, amidst utter incredulity, when I first heard about the concept.

Unfortunately it's not a joke, and most of what makes this unfortunate is the extent to which I feel like an alien, even among this group who should allegedly, in my own simplistic reasoning, understand and relate to my feelings.

The Xmas party is essentially a lunch, catered by the hospital, that takes place over about 1.5 hours, is held in the hospital conference room, and is attended by both the in-patient and out-patient groups who happen to be present on the day. Usually that makes about 20-25 patients plus the relevant rostered staff. Obviously there's no alcohol, sometimes they play a few silly games and have a secret Santa thing, and really, it's over pretty quickly.

But nonetheless... it's a party, it's busy, noisy, rowdy, festive, and many other things that are intolerable to me. And yet... most people love it. I mean seriously, most people look forward to it, go out of their way to attend on that day and genuinely engage in the festivities with more energy, noise and enthusiasm than I am capable of, even in my most wild and reckless fantasies.

It makes me feel sickeningly abnormal, lost and alone. I genuinely seem to be the only person horrified by the concept and who is going to go out of my way *not* to go. Yes, it's true, I can't read anyone else's mind and am sure that there is at least some degree of turbulent mixed feeling in this for others, and yet the proof is in the pudding, if you'll pardon the pun, and the truth is that most available people go, engage, stay the whole time, and say how much they enjoyed it.

I don't belong anywhere. And sometimes, that hurts.

Maddog

 

[Hashi]

maddog, quite seriously, do you have to go? Really? It sounds so out of sync with who you are and where you are right now, that I can't help wondering if you might perhaps have other plans that day? Or a tummy upset at the last minute, or toothache and an emergency dental appointment? Or a sudden tummy upset/appointment for Del?

I think end-of-year/Christmas events have a really short shelf life. If we opt in to them, the positive effects last about... say, a week or two. If we opt out, or have a tummy upset, or our dog does, the negative/questionable effects last about.... say, a week or two.

Even an on-the-day excuse is, in my experience, quickly forgotten. Sure, people pay attention to it on the day, but a Christmas party day attention span is short term and very limited.

I hope you feel able to do whatever's best for you right now, regardless of other pressures and all the other stuff that's out there at this time of year. If there are things you feel oblicged to attend, I hope the time goes quickly for you.

If there's a group of people who feel that a festive celebration is beyond them, even if they don't mind the other participants, then I belong to it and I think there might be other people that might too.

 

[maddog]

You are right Hashi, on all counts. I actually have no intention of going and plan to simply e-mail in sick that morning. I suspect that the group facilitator will see straight through that excuse, but quite frankly, I don't care, even though she will almost certainly raise it with me at a later date. Opting out beforehand - the alternative to lying on the day - will result in gentle but firm pressure to face my fears and come anyway, and while I'm sure that will be well intentioned to some degree, it won't work, will stress and distress me more, and will result in my not coming anyway, none of which will help the situation.

I don't feel even remotely as strong and unphased by this as my words imply. I think the thing that upsets me most is my awareness of how doable and even pleasureable this event seems to be for so many others. The sense of alienation and defectiveness, even in this context, is very intense for me, right at a time when a sense of unbelonging in the world in general is as painful for me as it ever gets.

I know it's the right thing not to go... just as it was the right thing not to go to my rowing brake up this morning, to which I also called in sick late last night. Gosh, it's a terribly unhealthy time of year for me it seems...

I have felt very distressed and unwell with guilt and self loathing today, but am hoping that with more time and distance separating me from it, those feelings will ease.

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate everything about this time of year?

Maddog

 

[Hashi]

I hear you.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Just wanna say that I agree with the others; you did handle things extremely well. As for getting emotional because of the beggar's sad story, that only means you are a very empathic person and that is a great quality.

I understand how that can feel really annoying and sometimes hold you back, but it is also a thing that makes you unique and shows how much you care for other people's well-being.

There's no use in not taking yourself seriously because someone else has it worse than you. There's always going to be someone to feel bad for, but that doesn't mean your feelings are any less important!

 

[maddog]

For what it's worth, I did, as expected, avoid the trauma group Xmas party/luncheon. To be fair, the group facilitator was very and openly respectful of the many and varied difficulties associated with going, and encouraged open discussion and in-depth preparation beforehand for those who were intending to go. What's more, we were told (and behaviour supported rhetoric) that we could choose to go, not go, go for a little while, or any combination of the above, and our group room was designated as a safe escape place that was available throughout the party for those who needed permanent or temporary time-out. To their credit, they did a good job of supporting us through a tricky situation, and most people went.

Some didn't. I was one of them, and it was the right choice for me. I did spend a bit of time socialising with a couple of the others (back in the group room) afterwards, and that was ok.

Just a couple of days after the party, one of our members committed suicide. It is that time of year...

Maddog